My First Day on the Job

Copyright, 2009, Terry Blount, tblount@mchsi.com

(Permission is required PRIOR to using my material.)

Declaration of Independence:

"When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to
dissolve the political bands which have connected them..."

[News report on tv]

Reporter: The Internal Revenue Service released their annual reports today and
for the third consecutive year the taxes collected have declined to all time low
of just over 1 trillion dollars.

Meanwhile, congress is voting tomorrow to raise the national debt ceiling again.

Let's go to our panel of experts:

Expert #1: Congress keeps raising the national debt limit. Now it's over 12
trillion dollars. The world economy is rapidly losing faith in the ability that
America can pay off that debt. The dollar is growing weaker and weaker on the
international market causing inflation to spiral out of control.

Expert #2: I have to agree, Congress just keeps writing bad checks, printing
worthless money, selling our national reserves. Our debt is maxed out. We are
running out of places to get credit, it's costing more for oil and essential
goods. Our monetary situation is critical.

Expert #1: Indeed, it's a critical situation. Top ranked members of congress are
scheduled to hold a meeting with the heads of the IRS and the Federal Reserve
later today. It would be interesting to see what comes out of that meeting.

Expert #2: For sure, it will be a major wakeup call.

[Cut to the meeting with top Congress members and department heads of all major
branches of the government.]
 
Vice President of the United States: [Gavel down.] Thank you, ladies and
gentlemen for attending this hearing. At this time we will yield the floor to
Senatory Deep Pockets.

Senator: Thank you Mr. Vice President. We are here today to look for a fresh
solution to this budget crisis. At this time we would like to call upon the
director of the IRS to give a brief report.

IRS Director: Thank you senator Deep Pockets, as you know, revenues collected
from citizens have fallen to an all time low of about 1 trillion dollars.
Because of high unemployment and reduced wages, income taxes collected are less
than half from the nations all time high, just 2 years ago.

Senator: Director, as you know we have an annual budget of 4 trillion dollars,
we have raised taxes several times and still your department can't collect
enough revenue to cover even 1/4 the budget. Why not?

Director: With due respect Senator, I have nothing to do with government
spending, I can only try as best we can to collect the taxes you have
authorized. I assure you that we are as vigilant as ever. We vigorously pursue
every dollar we can legally collect.

Senator: Why has revenue from income taxes declined so sharply over a few short
years?

Director: As you know, much of our population has fallen below the poverty line.
According to recent statistics, over 1/3 of the middle class is now below the
poverty line. American workers just aren't making enough money to support the
government although their income taxes have been raised to almost 50%.

Senator: You are telling us that we are taking half of workers incomes and still
we are only collecting a trillion dollars a year? How can that be?

Director: Like I have reported, the jobless rate is at an all time high.
Although statistics report the jobless rate is around 15%, the reality is that
over 1/4 of the population is unemployed. In Detroit the unemployment rate is
50%.

Senator: You are saying that 1 out of every 4 workers are unemployed and not
paying any income taxes?

Director: Exactly, and to make matters worse, the displaces workers have signed
up for various governmental welfare programs which has compounded the budget
problems.

Senator: It just doesn't appear that many people are unemployed. The interstates
are full of commuters going to work every morning. Trucks are moving freight at
near an all time high. It appears people are working.

Director: Yes, but their reported incomes are less than half from just 3 years
ago.

Senator: So they are cheating on their income taxes.

Director: You might say that.

Senator: Why aren't you prosecuting the cheaters and setting some examples.

Director: We can't.

Senator: Why not?

Director: Because the workers have bought into an untaxable system of tender.

Senator: What do you mean?

Director: Basically the workers are working for very low wages and taking these
Love Points as a bonus.

Senator: Love points? What the hell is that?

Director: It started out like a joke on the internet. When a person signed up
they would be instantly credited a million of these love points. Husbands and
wives would use them to reward each other, the younger audience started using
them to exchange video games and as medium of currency for other personal items.
It's like the PayPal online service but it's not "money."

Senator: Why do they call them "love points?"

Director: The guy who set it up took that from the lyrics in the Beatles song,
"Money can't buy me love."

As the lyrics say, money can't buy love, the points are not interchangeable with
any hard currency. You simply can't buy them. They have no value other than the
perceived value, same as the paper dollar has no real value other than the faith
that commerce throughout the world has in it.

Senator: How does someone go about getting these imaginary points to start with?

Director: It's interesting, the guy who started this system based it on the
Preamble of the Constitution of the Untied States.

Senator: Please explain.

Director: As the constitution says:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that
they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights"

Senator: Yes, we know, and it goes on to say that among them are life, liberty
and pursuit of happiness. How does this relate to the Love Point system of
currency?

Director: The guy simply extended the list of things "among" those you have
listed to include that a person is "endowed by their Creator" to be born with a
million "merits" which are expressed as Love Points.

Senator: So, people are using these love points as an alternative currency.

Director: Exactly, much like most third world countries uses the U.S. Dollar as
a shadow currency. For example, in Mexico, businesses and citizens frequently
use the Dollar as an alternative currency to their Paso. In the United States
there is no alternative currency.

Senator: Yes we have laws that have been used several times to prevent an
alternative currency from being exchanged as legal tender.

Director: Yes, but there is no regulation for something imaginary, that is NOT
interchangeable with any legal tender anywhere.

Senator: And people are using these love points in lieu of income?

Director: Yes, when a person comes into the system they are given (or born with)
a million credits. If for example an 18 year old kid wants to spend all his
credits for a house and someone with a house wants the kid's credits, they make
the exchange. The home owner reports that he gave (or donated) his personal
property to the kid.

Senator: So the kid is bankrupt.

Director: Yes, but say the kid takes a job at an automobile mechanic shop and he
agrees to work for minimum wages plus a bonus of 10 love points per hour. When
the guy who sold him the house comes in for car repairs he will use his Love
points and pay only a fraction of the bill in hard currency. The kid will begin
to recover his points.

Every service oriented business now exchanges these imaginary love points and
uses hard currency less and less.

Senator: Where is the good faith in such a system that makes it work?

Director: Well, this system is unlike our monitory system where we just print
paper money and spend it, this system is firmly grounded in SWEAT and hard work.
They don't create points like we print worthless paper money.

Senator: Tell me again how could this system expand so that it could be used
across the entire service sector of our society?

Director: As I have said, a person is born with credits, when they sign up they
are given their points.

Senator: Like a monopoly game starts out by giving all the players money?

Director: Exactly, except there is no banker or Federal Reserve to pump credits
into the system and corrupt it and there is no "credit" system. If you run out
of love points you'll just have to earn some more unless you can find
individuals to loan them to you.

Senator: We have destroyed our enemies in the past by counterfeiting their
currency and flooding the markets with their notes, why don't we just do a
similar thing and make these love points worthless and it will go away.

Director: Senator, I have no knowledge of such illegal activities. There are
many people at this meeting from various governmental agencies, many with
limited security clearance. It may not be wise to discuss what military actions
may or may not have been used in a time of war.

Senator: Umm, I would like to make a move the previous remarks be stricken from
the records of this meeting.

Many Voices: Second that motion.

Senator: Again, director, can't we just sign up millions of fictitious members
and disrupt the system, cause it to fail?

Director: The FBI tried that. Perhaps you should address them for details.

Senator: Sure, Mr. Crawford, could you please answer.

Jack: Thank you Senator Deep Pockets. When this came to our attention in it's
earlier stages we attempted to use your suggestion to make this thing go away.
We signed up a few thousand fictitious people but then they started using social
security numbers for verification. We tried to use fake ones but they used
sources that are available to every employer to verify the validity of a social
security number of a new employees. We haven't found a way to defeat their
security system without destroying our own social security accounting system,
which is also the basis for collecting income taxes.

Senator: Can't we just charge this guy with something and pick him up and shut
down the system?

Jack: We have considered that but it's not that simple.

Senator: Why not?

Jack: Because it's internet based and try as we might, our laws pretty much stop
at our shores. The guy has the system backed up in at least a dozen offshore
locations. Should we pick him up, the system would continue to operate, much
like offshore gambling websites operate beyond the scope of our laws. We can
make it difficult, even arrest him and charge him with something but we think
that would be a bad idea since it would bring more attention and credibility to
this system. If the illegal drug industry adopted it they wouldn't need to
laundry cash. Terrorist and criminal organizations wouldn't leave the "money
trails" that has lead authorities to identify and monitor their activities.

Senator: Doesn't anyone here have any ideas of how to deal with this? [Turns to
other members at the meeting.] Federal Reserve, do you guys have any ideas?

[Ben, from the Federal Reserve takes the mike.]

Ben: Thank you Senator Deep Pockets, we have been working on this problem for
over two years. It's extremely complicated for the reasons that have already
been outlined. The only weakness or flaw in the system is that it is primarily
limited to the service sector. Someone can have a million Love Points but they
can't buy a can of beans with them. State and local governments are not effected
by this system like the Federal Government is because their revenue comes from
retail sales taxes collected on hard goods. The IRS has only a small source of
revenue from the luxury taxes.

Senator: That is the reason this entire Love point system hasn't totally taken
over?

Ben: Yes, if you take a job that pays $1,200 per week, you still need about half
of your wages in dollars in order to buy food, pay for utilities and purchase
other retail products. You can take the other half in the imaginary love point
system and use them to trade for services. At the end of the year instead of
paying about 14 thousand dollars in taxes you would only pay around 4 thousand,
reducing your federal income taxes by 10 thousand dollars.

Senator: So the income tax system has failed. That's what I'm hearing here
today.

IRS Director: Yes Senator.

Senator: Ben, you are recommending that a flat sales replace the income tax
method of collecting revenue to run the federal government?

Ben: Senator, that's the only solution that has any hope making an "end run"
around this problem so we can once again collect the revenue needed to finance
the federal government.

Senator: I suppose that's what we'll have to do then.

Ben: Good luck in passing a flat sales tax.

Senator: Why do you say that?

Ben: The flat tax proposal has been around for many years but your fellow
congressman have never allowed the proposals to be considered for a vote.

Senator: Yeah, I remember the flat tax discussions, why were the proposals
always blocked.

Ben: Because the most wealthy citizens will be hit the hardest and they are the
contributors that finance political campaigns.

Senator: Under the income tax structure the wealthy pay millions in taxes.

Ben: Yes, but they are allowed hundreds of exemptions, although they pay
millions, they pay about half the PERCENTAGE of their incomes as the poor and
middle class. It would be a HUGE tax increase for the wealthy should they have
to pay the same share when they pay sales taxes on planes, trains and
automobiles.

Senator: Perhaps they would not spend so much money and avoid paying the sales
taxes.

Ben: The proponents of the flat sales tax HOPE that's what they will do.

Senator: Why?

Ben: Because billions and billions of dollars will be on deposit in Banks,
available for loans to citizens and businesses at much lower rates.

Senator: That doesn't sound like a problem, it sounds like a solution to the
banking problems.

Ben: Still you don't have the votes necessary to abolish income tax and
establish a flat sales tax.

Senator: We'll just have to convey the gravity of the situation and twist some
arms and get it done.

[Senator recognizes DEA agent.]

DEA: Thank you senator Deep Pockets, we would like to point out that illegal
drug trade combined with other illegal activities such as prostitution and
gambling is a trillion dollar industry that has never paid income tax. Shifting
to a flat sales tax would force this industry to pay taxes when drug dealers,
pimps and kingpins spend their profits.

Senator: Thank you. Anyone else have suggestions? Yes, the chair recognizes the
Department of Immigration.

Immigration: Thank you senator, there are at least 25 million illegal immigrants
working in the US that do not pay income tax. A flat sales tax would also tax
their profits.

Senator: We should have established a flat tax a long time ago.

[News reporter.]

Reporter: In a surprise, unprecedented vote in congress today, the federal
government has appealed the 16th amendment and adopted an amendment to base the
collection of revenue to support the federal government on a flat sales tax. We
now turn to our panel of experts.

Expert #1: This is indeed a surprise turn of events.

Expert #2: Yes it is, but something had to be done. The system of collecting
income tax was not working.

Expert #1: I suppose we'll see how this works.

Expert #2: The sales tax has always worked to bring in revenue to support state
and local governments. Most people believe it will work for the federal
government.

Expert #1: It will certainly close thousands of loopholes that existed in the
income tax system.

Expert #2: Yes it will, and it will help the poor because the goods that food
stamps will buy are tax exempt.

Expert #1: This new system will result in the loss of jobs for hundreds of
thousands of accountants, tax layers and other tax services.

Expert #2: Not to mention 90% of the IRS personal will no longer be needed. Huge
layoffs are expected in the IRS as well as some other governmental accounting
departments.

Expert #1: Well, not to make light of their situations, it's like they say, you
have to crack a few eggs to make an omelet. Hopefully these displaced workers
will find new employment in the private sector.

Expert #2: You are aware of a movement that has been gaining support based on a
book, written by professor Beck, from the University of Alabama in Birmingham.

Expert #1: No, what's that about?

Expert #2: Professor Beck has been on the talk circuit for over a year,
promoting his book, "Flip the IRS."

Expert #1: Flip the IRS, what's that about?

Expert #2: In his book he supported the flat tax movement but unlike the
movement's position, he does not support the abolition of the IRS. He recommends
that the surplus IRS workforce be charged with the responsibilities to oversee
the spending of the tax payer's dollars to reduce fraud waste and abuse.

Expert #1: Interesting, sounds like a good idea.

Expert #2: Experts seem to think so. They are convinced that at least 1/3 the
federal spending is wasted, many estimate that as much as 1/2 all federal
spending is wasted if pork barrel spending is included.

Expert #1: Congress will never give that up. That's the thread that crosses all
party lines. It doesn't matter if you are Republican or Democrat or Independent,
party politics are put aside in the clamor to grab the cash that is doled out in
earmarks and sent back to their districts to get them re-elected.

Expert #2: You describe that like a sale at a department store where sisters and
friends and mothers and daughters are fighting each other over the goods in the
discount bin.

Expert #1: Haha, I could think of no better analogy.

Expert #2: In professor Beck's book he put forth the argument that the IRS
should be charged with eliminating waste in the government and given the
authority to veto wasteful spending.

Expert #1: Congress will never grant them that power.

Expert #2: The professor suggests that voters elect their representatives solely
based on there pledge to cast their vote for an amendment to put the IRS in
charge of regulating governmental spending and to verify that government
purchases are legit and that they aren't overcharged. He compares the IRS to a
referee or umpire in sports that is charged to run the game according to the
rules.

Expert #1: I can already imagine the arguments that will have to be settled when
the IRS "refs" as you call them, and congress butt heads. How can that ever be
resolved?

Expert #2: Professor Beck recommends conflicts be settled exactly like they were
when the IRS audited your personal income tax fillings, take it to a court and
have a jury of citizens decide.

Expert #1: But the IRS is a government funded program, who's to say they won't
just go along with whatever congress wants? Won't auditors be tempted to take
kickbacks and it will just be business as usual?

Expert #2: I suppose, but unlike congress they don't have a campaign finance
system of taking bribes.

Expert #1: I guess they would have to set up a wedding registry at Macy's.

Expert #2: I doubt we'll ever find out. There is no possibility that congress
would vote to allow anyone to regulate their spending.

Expert #1: Wouldn't it bring the government to a halt when elected officials
have to leave work and show up in court every day to defend their programs and
spending.

Expert #2: Many people think that's not a bad idea. They compare it to the first
rule of medicine.

Expert #1: What is that rule?

Expert #2: The rule is: "first, do no harm."



[ I'm rushing to catch a flight to California at the Atlanta airport. I'm using
fake id because I was involved with a hit and run accident and skipped bail.

I get my ticket and go through the security check. I keep my bag with me. I
want to exit the airport as quickly as possible when I arrive in LAX.

I board and take my seat. I'm nervous to be out in public, in a situation where
I have no avenue of escape.

I an older lady takes the window seat beside me and we prepare for takeoff.

We reach cruising altitude and a comotion breaks out. It's apparent that some
guys are taking over the airplane. Everyone is in a state of panic. We don't
understand what the hijackers are saying, they are speaking another language.
The situation looks very bad. No one can figure out what they are up to. But
it's obvious they have taken control of the airplane. I'm afraid, I don't want
to die.

A scuffel breaks out as some passengers jump a hijacker and I attack the
hijacker closest to me. Some guys rush the cockpit and the airplane goes into a
steep dive. People are screaming and crying.]

[Screen goes black.]

[After a 30 seconds the scene fades in and we have the hijackers under
submission, and we have taken back control of the airplane.

We begin to descent to land right away. I immediately grab my carry on bag from
the luggage bin. I notice what appears to be the harness of a parachute slightly
exposed in a bag in the storage compartment. But the chaos of the moment doesn't
allow for a closer inspection.

I have a slight cut on the back of my hand and I'm bleeding a little. I tell the
lady beside me.]

ME: I'm worried about my bag because I have some important papers inside
and when I go to the hospital to get stitched up I might get separated from my
stuff during the confusion. Could you take care of my bag for me?

Lady: Yes, sure. If you hadn't did what you did we may all be dead. You lead the
charge that took back the airplane from those bastards.

[Then she asks.]

Lady: How will you get your bag back?

ME: What's your name?

Lady: I'm Sally Wilson, from Anderson California.

ME: Are you listed in the phone book?

Lady: Yes.

ME: Under your name or your husband's name?

Lady: Under my name.

ME: Ok, I'll contact you if I can't find you before you leave.

[We make an emergency landing in Huntsville Alabama and are instantly surrounded
by homeland security, military and local law enforcement. The hijackers are
arrested and whisk away. All passengers are debriefed and questioned by the FBI.
They easily discover that my identification is fake and take me into an
makeshift interrogation room.

The FBI is asking me all kinds of questions, trying to find out who I really am.
It's becoming frightening because I don't have any answers and I haven't
identified myself. It's becoming obvious that I can't fake my way out of this
one. They begin to imply that I was somehow connected to the hijackers and say
they are going to put me under arrest as an accessory of the hijacking. I keep
insisting that I have no connections and suggest they talk with the other
passengers and find out that I helped rescue the airplane when they took it
over.

The other passengers are debriefed and slowly released to continue to their
destinations. The media is already swarming, asking everyone questions. Several
passengers are talking to reporters about my bold moves that lead to the
hijackers being subdued. The media is in a frenzy to find me. That makes the FBI
even more suspicious and determined to find out who I really am.

I tell the FBI that I want a lawyer. They say:]

FBI agent: As a suspect in a terrorists activity you do no have the right to
council.

[They continue interrogating me about where I'm from, how I got to the Atlanta
airport and why am I on that plane to L.A. With fake id.

I survived a hijacking and maybe saved a lot of lives only to wake up to the
reality that my fantasy world is collapsing.

I can't find any leverage to help my situation. But then I start to notice the
FBI has something else going on. The interrogators have been called out of the
room twice and I sense that something is going on that must not be entirely
related to me. Another hour passes and a new, higher ranked interrogator enters
the room and when he does I catch a few words the FBI are saying on a phone in
the other room.]

FBI agent on the phone: I don't give a damn about the media, we are in the
middle of a terrorist investigation.

[I suppose it's natural for the media to be hounding them for information but I
decide, what the hell, maybe I'll go on a fishing expedition with this new FBI
guy. He is probably more skilled at interrogating and is likely to play the roll
of good cop since his cronies have been giving me hell. So, when he enters,
before he can sit down I say.]

ME: It's a hell of a day huh?

Jack Crawford: Yeah, you don't know the half of it. I got everyone from the
president on down breathing down my neck for answers.

[With that response, I immediately sense he is playing the roll of the good cop
and say.]

ME: Your guys have been pretty rough on me, they know I help foil that hijacking
and I'm cut and bleeding but they haven't even brought in a nurse or paramedic
to check out my wounds.

They just keep making threats, won't allow me to talk to council and have taken
most of my clothes when they searched me. I'm sitting here half naked, bleeding
an American citizen denied council and I haven't done anything wrong. I don't
think I'll be volunteering any information. The media knows I'm hear and they
know I helped save that airplane and the people on board. The government can
wait on answers even if you have to waterboard me but the press won't be so
patient.

Jack: Hold on son, no one is going to be waterboarding you... But we can't just
let you go because you have committed a felony breech of homeland security by
boarding an airplane with false identification. We have to find out who you are
and what you had to do with this hijacking. We already have viewed the video of
when you passed through security in Atlanta and we can't find your carry on bag.

[At this point I realize he is right and I hadn't thought about criminal charges
for flying with false identification being a homeland security issue.

I decide to throw a hail Mary so I say to him.]

ME: I realize the position you are in. I need to know something before I go any
farther.

Jack: What's that?

ME: Do you have the authority to release me if I answer all your questions fully
and truthfully to your satisfaction?

Jack: Yes, I'm agent Jack Crawford second in command of the FBI.

ME: I figured you would say something like that so let me verify you are telling
me the truth.

Jack: How do you propose we do that?

ME: You and your partner sit on that side of the table with your back to the
door and I'll sit on this side and you call another agent to come in and
instruct him to answer my question.

Jack: You can't dictate the terms of this interrogation.

ME: Well I just did, don't forgot you are the good cop, you have to show some
kind of good faith cooperation in order to "crack" me.

Jack: [Says to his partner.] What do you think?

Partner: I don't know, but the plane landed over two hours ago and we got
nothing. He can't overpower us if we just change chairs.

ME: You guys are idiots, you talk about me like you don't even realize I'm here.
Just sit where I told you and let's resolve this matter.

Jack: Ok, but tone it down a notch.

ME: Call in another agent.

[He reaches back and knocks on the door and says.]

Jack: I need another agent in here to take a statement.

[Door opens and another agent steps in.]

ME: Hang on a second, can you tell me who this new guy is that is sitting there?

Agent: He is Jack Crawford, third in command at the FBI.

ME: Thank you, you are dismissed.

Jack: Yes, you can go.

ME: He said third, you said second.

Jack: Second third, what's the difference, he considers the president first in
command, I should have also.

ME: Ok, one more thing, I rather talk to you alone.

Jack: We never interrogate a suspect alone. It is totally against policy.

ME: ...and we were so close to a resolution.

Jack: Ok, there are at least 10 agents outside that door, if you do something
stupid they will kill you.

ME: I'm fully aware of that, but I rather we speak one on one.

Jack: Ok, agent Johnston, you are dismissed.

[He leaves.]

Jack: Ok, now what were you doing on that airplane?

ME: I was taking a movie script to Hollywood California.

Jack: What's top secret about that?

ME: Nothing, but you asked me why I was on that airplane and I told you the
truth.

Jack: Ok then, who are you? Why are you traveling with false identification?

ME: I'm Mr. B. I have false identification because I'm on the run from law
enforcement.

Jack: What did you do?

ME: You aren't going to believe this but I'm going to tell you the truth 100%.

Jack: Let's hear it.

ME: Me and my brother were driving home from college one weekend and I was
asleep. An old lady came out to get her morning paper and fell into the road and
my brother accidentally hit her and she died. We left the scene of the accident
but were later caught. I took the fall and said I was driving because my brother
was a very good football player and had an excellent prospect to become a
professional athlete.

Jack: So, why are you on the run if it was an accident?

ME: Because we left the scene of the crime I was charged negligent homicide,
but I jumped bail.

Jack: Were you drinking?

ME: Do you listen? I wasn't even driving and no, I wasn't drinking. Haven't you
been trained to pay attention during an interrogation?

Are you really the head of the FBI?

Jack: So you went on the run?

ME: Yes, I was stupid but I thought I would have to serve time it in a
maximum security prison. I guess I just panicked and decided to run. Now I
really regret it.

Jack: Where was this? I need to verify your story.

ME: Hold on a minute, let me ask you something about the hijacking.

Jack: What's that?

ME: Have you figured out why the hijackers had parachutes? If they were on a
suicide mission and intended to fly the plane into something I wonder why they
had parachutes stored in the overhead luggage compartments.

Jack: The Secret Service has them in custody.

ME: Well, can you take a few minutes and check about those parachutes?

Jack: Ok, but I don't see what this has anything to do with you. If you are
telling the truth it's just a random coincidence that you were on that airplane
when this hijacking went down.

ME: I can wait, my bleeding has almost stopped.

[I hold up my wounded hand, he leaves for at least 15 or 20 minutes, when he
returns he says.]

Jack: Are you absolutely sure they had parachutes?

ME: Yes I clearly saw the harness partially exposed from a bag in the overhead
compartment.

Jack: There were no parachutes found in the luggage and all the luggage was
checked that has been turned over to the passengers.

ME: I knew that was strange that they had brought parachutes onboard and I
thought there was also something odd about their language.

Jack: What do you mean?

ME: I used to play chess every Sunday with an Arabic guy at his apartment. He
had roommates and other Arabic people over most of the time and I heard them
yapping a lot. These terrorist guys didn't say much but I have just realized
that what I heard them say wasn't... Humm how can I put this.... Pure. Yeah,
that's it, they weren't speaking pure like the real Arabic people spoke.

Jack: This is all interesting but they probably were just speaking a different
dialect than the one you were somewhat familiar with and none of this has
anything to do with your situation.

ME: So it's ok to mention all this to the press? You know that they will
eventually get an interview. Wouldn't you rather keep a lid on this information
for a while and do more investigating?

Jack: You can tell the press whatever you want. There is nothing we can do to
stop you. You'll be prison anyway.

ME: I thought you guys made deals in matters of national security? But it looks
like the someone has already hidden those parachutes from the entire FBI.

Jack: You could have made up that story about the parachutes and you don't speak
any Arabic so even if you think they weren't proficient, at best you are
guessing.

ME: True, I could be, but has anyone come up with any theory about why terrorist
would hijack an airplane leaving Atlanta? With national aviation security at the
levels it's at today, where could they possibly have flown that has any targets
that are worth such an endeavor? Wouldn't this flight have been surrounded by
military jets within a few minutes after it deviated off course? Why did we land
in Huntsville? If you go to L.A. Form Atlanta you follow I 20 all the way, you
don't fly north 50 miles and follow I 40. We were headed north almost directly
for Nashville after they took over. Within another 30 minutes we would have been
shot down by military aircraft.

Jack: What kind of deal are you suggesting?

ME: I guess I would like a pardon, after all I prevented an act of terrorism.

Jack: You may have participated in a noble act, however a pardon does not come
easily.

ME: Ok, how about this. You get me a ride to downtown Atlanta and let me go with
a gps ankle bracelet. I'll just release a generic statement to the press. You
inform them that I have provided valuable assistance and I prefer to keep my
anonymity. Leave your private phone number and I'll check in once a week and
let's wait and see what happens. You can easily track me and pick me up at any
time and I'll keep my mouth shut. You just have too much to consider in a short
period of time and you are running out of time with the press. You either have
to explain why you are holding me or cut me loose.

Jack: We are the FBI, we can tell them you were freed and just hold you in
secret. If we release a known fugitive we will have a more serious problems with
the media.

ME: You would be risking a lot more if you hold me in secret because I would
eventually find a way to get word out.

Jack: I could just shoot you and say you were trying to escape.

ME: The press would want to know why I fought the terrorist then fought the FBI.

Jack: Terrorist often have disagreements. You portably didn't realize you were
going to die until you were caught up in the mission and then you decided to
fight back to save your own life.

ME: Check and mate. You got me, I liked the waterboarding idea better.

Jack: You know kid, for a convict on the run, you are on the ball. I doubt my
trained agents could have handled your situation half as good as you have. If
you did notice a parachute and sense the guys weren't speaking pure Arabic, or
even if you just make all that up to try to bluff to save your ass, I have to
give you a lot of credit either way.

[Knock on the door.]

Jack: Yeah, what is it?

[Door opens.]

Agent: How's everything going?

Jack: We are about to wrap this up.

[He turns to me and asks.]

Jack: By the way, where is your bag?

ME: I suppose its with those parachutes?

[Agent to Jack.]

Agent: We need to speak to you for a minute, Agent Crawford.

Jack: Ok.

[He gets up and leaves, the door shuts, at least a half hour goes by then he
returns, he looks very stressed, closes the door, sits down and removes his
glasses, takes a deep sigh.]

Jack: Can you tell me anything else about these terrorist?

ME: Like what? What's going on? You look like you are having a worse day than
me.

Jack: Well, you are going to hear about this sooner or later, the Secret Service
has released a statement saying that they were minors and no photographs and no
information would be released to the media. They have restricted all access.

ME: Bullshit.

Jack: While this is fresh on your mind, can you remember anything else? Most
passengers identified the suspects as in their early to mid 20's when they were
debriefed. How old do you think they were? Did you notice any rings on their
fingers? Anything unusual about their clothes? Was their facial hair real? Any
details you can think of?

ME: They were not teenagers. All three were definitely over 18. I can't think of
anything else right now. I've been worrying about my own situation.

Jack: I can understand that.

ME: Hey, wait a second, one of them was cut enough to bleed a little, I saw his
blood on one of the passenger's pants that took him down. Can't dna be used to
determine nationality, race or something like that?

Jack: Which passenger?

ME: I it was a heavy guy. He had a camouflage Jacket, not the military kind but
one like deer hunters wear. He may not even realize he got blood on his pants.
It was in back of his thigh.

Jack: The way you described him it could very well have been deer blood.

ME: No, his pants were more like dressed cacky. He wouldn't have been hunting or
cleaning game with them on.

Jack: Ok, we'll check that out. I've got to go now.

ME: What are you going to do with me?

Jack: First, I'm going to verify your story about the hit and run accident. Then
I'll decide.

ME: Please don't notify the sheriff, he will insist you hold me for pickup, just
call my lawyer, Harold Odom in Chatom Alabama, and ask him who he defended in
the hit and run accident about 3 years ago. He should say it was Mr. B.

Jack: We know how to handle these kinds of matters discretely.

ME: I'm sure you do.... Don't forget to find that gps ankle bracelet.

Jack: You think you have earned it?

ME: Hell fuzzy yes. I've thwarted a terrorist attack, given you more info that
all your agents could dig up in 4 hours, I should be getting a pardon.

Jack: See you in a few minutes.

[I sit and wait and wait. I finally bang on the door and yell. An agent answers
and I ask him.]

ME: Can I get something to eat and some Gatorade? This is cruel and unusual
punishment to keep me in detention all day with nothing to eat or drink.

Agent: Ok, I'll be back.

[He does come back but with cuffs, I'm distraught but then I notice the ankle
bracelet and think "glory hallelujah!" It's already dark and they sneak me out
into a car and away we go. No one says anything. I hope they are taking me to
Atlanta. I'm pretty sure we are headed that way. We go into Birmingham and I
recognize the Vulcan standing on the mountain. I decide I need to get out. So I
start complaining.]

ME: My stomach is turning, I'm about to shit my pants, you got to let me use a
restroom.

[They seem to ignore me.]

ME: I'm serious, I'm about to shit all over your car and it's going to be some
serious funk for you to breathe all the way back to the Pentagon, you better
pull over now.

Driver: Our headquarters are the Hoover building in D.C.

ME: I think that's an extra 30 minutes that you'll be smelling poop.

[They take an off ramp and pull into a service station and let me out. I'm not
escorted so I'm pretty sure they intend to drop me off.]

I go around to the driver's window and motion for him to let down the window, he
rolls down the window and I say to him.]

ME: Your mission is accomplished, you can go wherever you want, this is where
I'm getting off.

[He doesn't seem to happy.]

ME: I've go this tracking device on my leg and I can go wherever I want and this
is where I want to be. It's time to say goodbye.

[I go into the station and buy a drink and a sandwich and as I'm paying I see
them drive off. Wheww, I thought they would never leave.

I head over to my old apartment at the University of Alabama in Birmingham 
and knock on the door a guy answers and I say:]

ME: Hey, is Susan here?

Guy: No, I don't think she goes to school here anymore.

ME: Oh, ok. I used to live here.

[I kind of peek around.]

ME: She moved in when I left and I gave her my tv, stereo and left my junk with
her.

Guy: I guess she took it with her.

ME: Oh, I'm not here to get it back. I was just passing through and wanted to
say hi. I lost my cell phone and I didn't have her number written down.

Guy: You look exhausted, do you want to come in and sit down?

ME: Thanks, I've had a very hectic day.

Guy: Well at least you weren't on that airplane that got hijacked.

[I followed him in and noticed that some of the junk was stuff I had left, I
think he knew it but I didn't care, I just needed a place to rest.]

ME: What airplane? I've been on the road and I haven't heard anything about any
hijacking.

Guy: It's been all over the news. hijackers took over an airplane that left from
Atlanta to L.A. And the passengers jumped the hijackers. They got control back
and landed the plane in Huntsville.

ME: What in the hell could hijackers want with an airplane in Atlanta?

Guy: They have the hijackers in custody, it was just 3 kids, they are trying to
find out what their plans were. The plane was fueled up to go to L.A. So there
was enough fuel onboard to cause a pretty big explosion.

ME: What went wrong with security? I thought airports were secure now?

Guy: They apparently got knives past the checkpoints. They were using them to
take over the airplane like the terrorist did on 9-11.

ME: I suppose it all ended well though.

Guy: I guess so.

ME: Mind if I take a short nap? I feel at home here since I lived here for so
long.

Guy: No, go ahead and lay on the sofa.

[I fall dead asleep and wake up the next day, the guy is gone. I guess he isn't
cornered that I'll steal my shit back.

I clean up and take some of his clothes and go have breakfast.

People are still talking about the hijacking, there is a tv in the diner and I
get a chance to hear my own statement. 

I'm ready to forget about it and get this damn gps off my leg but first I'm
going over to the geek house and see if anyone knows where Bill can be found. He
is the guy who operated on my face when I decided to change my appearence.

I get to the geek house and ask.]

ME: Is Bill still around?

Some guy: Yes, he is up in his room, he is probably still sleeping.

ME: I got $20 he loaned me. I'm going to go up and give it to him.

Some guy: He will probably wake up for that.

ME: I would too. What room is he in?

Some guy: The one with Frankenstein on the door.

ME: I wonder how he got a nick name like that?

Some guy: You haven't heard? They said he operated on a guy his second year in
school.

ME: I suppose the nickname is fitting then.

[I go up to Dr. Frakenstein's room and find him still asleep. I shake him and
say.]

ME: Wake up asshole.

[Bill is groggy but comes to his senses when he sees me.]

Bill: What are you doing here?

ME: I have come to destroy my creator.

Bill: Hey you asked for it.

ME: I'm joking... I was passing through and decided to pay you a visit.

Bill: How have you been?

ME: I've had all kinds of adventures, especially after the detectives came to my
apartment looking for Frankenstein.

Bill: Ummm, they never found you.

ME: I know, but I had to escape and leave all my stuff behind, did you guys get
drunk and start running your mouthes?

Bill: Well, kinda, one of my assistants did, we didn't think anyone took him
serious.

ME: Well they did and I figured I had better ease on down the road.

Bill: Sorry man, wish I could make it up to you.

ME: You can, one day you are going to have to restore me back to normal.

Bill: That won't be easy, that kind of surgery is expensive.

ME: It won't cost me a thing. I'll find you when you get your practice set it up
and use my insurance plan to pay for it.

Bill: Sounds like extortion.

ME: No, just restitution for causing me to have to leave the good life I was
enjoying so well. Anyway, that's not why I'm here. I need a solid favor.

Bill: What now? You want a bigger dick?

ME: Not today, I got this offer in email I'm going to try first. I'm kinda
stranded here and I need a ride to Atlanta.

Bill: A bus leaves for Atlanta every 4 hours.

ME: I thought that since you were going that way anyway you could give me a ride.

Bill: I'm not going to Atlanta.

ME: Well think about it I'll be back about 8 or 9 o'clock tonight.

[I decide to go to the city jail and hang out outside and see if someone is
released from jail.

Sure enough, when I get there, 4 guys are coming out, they are obviously not
cops a couple guys have someone picking them up but the other two walk away I
wait till they are a couple blocks away and approach them and say.]

ME: Hey bor's.

Xcon: What's up?

ME: Did you just get released?

Xcon: Maybe, why you ask?

ME: Umm, I have problem, I was hoping you could give me some advice.

Xcon: What's your problem.

ME: Well, you see, I got this jewelry that I want to shed.

[I pull up my pants and show them the gps device.]

Xcon: You're fucking kidding us man.

ME: No I'm not, see I needed to visit my doctor and he was out of bounds and...

Xcon: ...and you are in a lot more trouble than you think, that's Fed jewelry.

ME: No, no, no, I got Alzheimer's and my caretaker uses it to find me when I get
lost I'm cure now so I don't need it anymore. How can I get it off?

Xcon: You can cut your foot off.

ME: I know that's what you would do but I am looking for a better idea.

Xcon: I think I know someone who maybe can help you but we need a ride, where is
your car?

ME: I'm walking but maybe we can take a cab, how far is it?

Xcon: About 6 or 8 miles.

ME: Are you sure he will be there? Can you call him?

Xcon: He'll be there, he is always there.

ME: Where can we get a cab?

Xcon: We have to walk down there to the Amtrak station.

ME: Let's give it shot.

Xcon: Ok but he probably won't help you for free.

ME: Let's see if we can get there and if he thinks he can remove it.

Xcon: Ok.

[We get a cab, the other guy has somewhere else to be so he leaves. We arrive
and go up to the door an knock.]

Voice: Who's there.

Xcon: It's Dave, Dave Chappelle.

[Door opens, a frail guy, looks like a hard core heroin addict lets us in.]

Xcon: My friend here needs some jewelry removed, can you do it?

[I notice needle tracks, the guy is in real bad shape.]

Addict: Let's see, damn, this is FBI equipment, what the fuck are you doing
bringing him here?

Xcon: He's willing to pay to get it off, seems it's restricting his space.

Addict: Well you can't cut that, if you start trying to cut it, Feds will be
swarming in 3 to 5 minutes.

ME: So you can't help?

Addict: I didn't say that, give me $100 buck and I'll tell you how to disable
it.

ME: Man, if I had $100 bucks I would be high and I wouldn't give a fuck, I only
got $20.

Addict: Make it $50.

ME: How do I know what you tell me will work?

Addict: Cause if it doesn't you'll come back and I damn sure don't want FBI
following you here twice.

ME: Ok, here's $50, what do I do?

Addict: First, you can't do it anywhere near here because as soon as you disable
it, they'll be at the last known location within minutes.

ME: Ok, so what do I do?

Addict: Go to a drug store or a dollar store and get a cheap flash camera and
crack the covering to the flash. Remove flash filament, wrap a wire, like a coat
hanger around the bracelet and stick the other end of the wire into the flash,
when you snap a picture the flash will send 300 volts into the bracelet and fry
the circuity.

ME: You must be crazy, that would probably kill me too.

Addict: Oh I forgot, you need a heavy, construction grade rubber boot and you
got to get it on with the bracelet outside.

ME: Gezz, thanks for remembering that small insignificant detail.

Addict: No problem man, now you need to get away from here, that thing is hot.

ME: How will I know if it was deactivated.

Addict: Pick your spot to do it then haul ass, get away from there as fast as
you can but stay where you can see where you deactivated it. If you killed it,
cops, maybe even the military, will be there in less than 5 minutes. You'll know
it's dead if the police and FBI shows up. You better haul ass after that because
they will be looking for you all over the area.

ME: Thanks man, let's go.

[We take the cab back to the train station on the way I ask the Xcon.]

ME: Do you know where I can get a rubber boot? I'm almost out of cash.

Xcon: Maybe goodwill?

ME: I can't afford to pay very much.

Xcon: You don't have to pay if you just tell them you want it and you have no
money, they have to give stuff to the needy when they are asked because they are
a charity.

ME: What's a guy like you doing leaving jail?

Xcon: Oh I just work there.

ME: Why didn't you turn me in?

Xcon: Fuck the law man, you have no idea what those dirty son of a bitches do,
they make more money off dealers than they make themselves.

ME: So you don't take drugs?

Xcon: No, not anymore I've been clean for 8 years.

ME: How did you know that junky?

Xcon: He has been in a couple times. He just about dies from the withdrawal
pains every time. I've seen him take a half bottle of Advil at a time to keep
from putting his head through the bars.

ME: I'm guessing you gave it to him.

Xcon: Yeah, someone has to help them out when they are jonesing.

ME: How do you think he knew a flash camera could disarm this tracking thing?

Xcon: I should have thought of that method, it would have saved us the trip.

ME: How could you have known.

Xcon: Because it's a similar method thieves use to make drug money.

ME: Please explain.

Xcon: They do something with the flash on a small cheap digital camera to knock
out the radio price tags used at the checkout at department stores.

ME: But if the radio tag is knocked out, how do they get a tv or laptop through
checkout?

Xcon: When the radio tag fails at checkout they use the bar code as backup.

ME: So they still have to pay the full price.

Xcon: Not if the barcode is swapped with one from a cheaper similar item.

ME: How can they swap the barcode?

Xcon: They don't.

ME: You just said they swap the barcode.

Xcon: Yeah but, well you see, if someone hung out in a store and tried to scrape
off a barcode from one box and put it on another, security would easily notice
something unusual going on. So what they do is work in teams of 2 or three, one
person will get a picture of the barcode they want to use, take it to a computer
and print it out to actual size on peel and stick paper.

Another guy will go to the store and fry the irf tag with a flash camera, then
someone else will pickup the laptop or tv and on the way to checkout they can
stick the other cheap barcode over the real one.

ME: And the checkout cashiers don't suspect anything when a 52 inch tv rings up
for $100?

Xcon: You would be surprised at what they get away with, sometimes they use a
cashier who gets a kickback to let them through without question.

ME: If they can pay off a cashier why bother to ring it up at all? Why not just
pay for some bananas and push the big tv on through.

Xcon: Its too easy for security to catch a cashier doing that but its difficult
for them to tell if irf or barcode was used to scan items and what price rang
up. Also the magnetic device has to be deactivated so it doesn't set off the
security alarm at the door.

ME: Amazing, are you sure you aren't a criminal?

Xcon: If I was a criminal do you think I would be walking? I could afford a car.

ME: I didn't think of that. I'm amaze that you are telling me all this.

Xcon: I haven't told you anything that you can't learn if you were tossed in
jail.

ME: I think I know enough, I'll pass on getting locked up to further my
education. Do you want to watch me fry my self?

Xcon: May as well.

[I get a camera and we find some wire in a trash can. I decide that the soccer
field near the university is a pretty good place to disable the gps. I can duck
into the gym and waste time till the coast is clear.

ME: Ok.. Let's do this, if I'm not knocked out I'm going to the gym and hang out
till things settle down. You can sit here if you like but don't tell them where
I went.

Xcon: I'm curious if this works and if anyone comes but I'm not going to be
around either.

ME: Help me get this boot on, the bracelet has to go over it.

[We finally get the boot on and then wrap the wire around the bracelet, crack
the camera flash lenses and remove the filament and stick the wire into the
flash. We are charged and ready to go. I say:]

ME: Stand way back, house current is only 120 volts, he said this is 300, it's
going to have a hell of a kick. Be prepared to give me cpr and get help if I'm
knocked out.

Xcon: Ok man, good luck.

[Xcon is just about as excited about this as I am but he stands way back. I take
a few deep breathes and hold the camera at arm's length and lowly push the
button. Pow, bang, zizzzle, like the old Batman tv show. I did feel a tingle but
it wasn't too bad. Xcon comes over quickly.]

Xcon: Are you ok man?

ME: Yep, hardly felt anything, help me get this boot off and let's get the hell
out of here.

[He helps me struggle to get the boot off.. The bracelet is hot as hell, luckily
i have a sock to put on. I'm pretty sure that the circuity is fried inside. I
put on my shoe and say.]

ME: Thanks so much man, I'll look you up one day and pay you for your services.

Xcon: No problem man, have a good life.

ME: Bye.

[I jog to the gym and tried to use the card to get in but it wouldn't work. I
tried it a few more times and a guy went through another lane. He noticed I was
having trouble and saw I had a student id card and asked.]

Student: Having trouble?

ME: Yes, I accidentally washed my id card with my clothes and now it won't work.

Student: Here, just use mine.

ME: Thanks.

[I noticed he was looking at a girl.]

ME: She is hot!

Student: Yep, I see her almost every time I come here.

ME: You should talk to her, do you already have a girlfriend?

Student: No, but I'm nervous, she'll probably just shoot me down.

ME: Well go ask her where she is from and watch her eyes, if she looks down,
that's a sign that she is submissive to your approach. That's a sign she is
receptive and wants you to move closer. She will eventually touch you, keep
talking and wait about a minute then you touch her back in the same way. Just
follow her body language and she will become trusting. Women have a built in
warning detection system, at first they feel fear and threatened easily, help
her get passed that and you'll do just fine.

Student: How do you know about this stuff?

ME: I'm writing a screen play about it now.

Student: You are?

ME: Yep, I'll be around, I got to go look for my friend.

Student: Later.

[I hide out in the gym, workout, sit in the sauna and take a shower.

It's time to check with Bill and see if he is going to give me a ride to
Atlanta. I leave the library and cut through to another street away from the
soccer field. I wish I had a bicycle. If the law is still hanging around I doubt
they would pay much attention to a guy on a bicycle. The only ones I see are
locked up. It would seem that a script writer could pull a bicycle one out of
thin air. But I'm not going to knock a guy off his bike with a golf ball. I
realize the imagination can only be stretched to a point.

I decide that a guy appearing to be out for a jog would also be natural around a
university, so I strike up a slow pace and head to the geekhouse.

I stop jogging about a half block from the geekhouse and scan parked cars. I
want to leave open my option to run like hell should "the man" try to apprehend
me. I notice a car with several people coming up the street and they slow down
as they approach the geek house. I realize they are students.

I take a few quick steps to get closer. They get out and just as they start to
enter I say:]

ME: Hey, can you guys tell Dr. Bill Frankenstein that I'm still waiting out here
to please hurry up?

Frat: Ok, I'll tell him.

ME: Thanks.

[I've waited about 5 minutes. Starting to think he isn't coming or didn't get
the message. I'll give him a couple more minutes then decide what to do.

About a minute later he comes out and looks around. I take a few steps and say:]

ME: Where is your car?

Bill: It's at the end of the street.

ME: Let's go.

[He heads down the street and I catch up to join him, he opens the car and we
get in and start down the road.

Bill: I can't believe I'm doing this, you realize it's going to cost me at least
$70 in gas and I won't be back for 6 or 7 hours?

ME: At least you can come back. After you sent those guys to my door I had to
leave for good. Anyway, I appreciate it, so I'll give you $100 for gas money.
But you are still holding my insurance payment to fix my face someday.

Bill: It wasn't me who ran my mouth about the operation.

ME: It doesn't matter, your posse was not hand picked from the best material
available.

Bill: I know, but the guy who ran his mouth was the one who got the sterile
instruments, had you rather I did it with a rusty butcher knife?

ME: It felt like that's what you had used on me the next day when the feeling
came back, but you did a very good job. I was just wishing you hadn't used so
many stitches when I was pulling them out.

Bill: I bet you were.

ME: Hey, do you know what happened to Susan? The guy at my old apartment said
she left, but he still had a lot of the junk that I left with her.

Bill: No, I saw her several times, I even had a class with her but she seems to
have just left. Why did you want that surgery anyway?

ME: You don't want to know, trust me.

Bill: You wanted to change your appearance.

ME: Duhh, and you wanted to cut on a living cadaver.

Bill: Where are you going to in Atlanta?

ME: Just drop me off at the airport, I'm going to California.

Bill: What's in California?

ME: Swimming pools and movie stars... Haven't you ever seen the Beverly
Hillbillies?

Bill: Do you ever give a straight answer to anything?

ME: Only when I get my ass in a very tight crack.

Hey, pull into that truck stop, I haven't had anything to eat since breakfast.

Bill: Ok, we need to fill up the car too.

[We go in and start eating up. There were some truckers at a nearby table. I
overheard one of them from FedEx complaining.]

Fx trucker: Damn it's getting hard to make a living. They sent me to Lousiville
yesterday and I waited all day then my load got canceled.

Other trucker: Yeah, I heard that several truckers were pissed because they went
up that way, a couple to Nashville and their loads got canceled.

Fx tucker: That's strange for us, customers have to pay a fee if they cancel, it
just doesn't happen that often.

Other trucker: Probably got canceled for security reasons after that airplane
was hijacked.

Fx trucker: Could have been.

[I'm thinking that is very suspicious, we were headed north, directly in that
direction when the hijackers took over.

We finished eating and got back on the road.]

ME: Hey bill, do you know of anything near Nashville or Louisville that would be
of high national security interest?

Bill: Not really, no major government building, financial centers, no ports.
Maybe a nuclear power plant, but that one is way over to the east near
Chattanooga.

ME: How about military bases?

Bill: There's a big one, Ft. Campbell near the Tennessee Kentucky state line
then there is a small one at Ft. Knox.

ME: Ft. Knox.. Where the nation's gold reserve is stored.

Bill: No one knows for sure.

ME: What do you mean, no one knows?

Bill: It has been several decades since an independent audit of the gold
reserves was allowed, congress recently tried to pass a bill to conduct an
independent verification but it didn't have enough votes to pass it, there are
several conspiracy theories about how much gold is missing and where gold was
moved to.

ME: What do you mean? Why won't congress vote audit the national gold reserve?

Bill: The Fed insists that their own internal audits are sufficient, the last
audit was little more than a photo shoot back in the Nixon days.

ME: Gezz, what would it do to the world economy should it be discovered that the
dollar doesn't have much backing?

Bill: Impossible to fathom, a paper dollar bill has no value except the
perceived "faith" that the public and other nations has in it.

ME: So for all we know a dollar is monopoly money?

Bill: Haha, I guess you could put it like that.

ME: I'll bet China is not laughing, they are holding a trillion dollars worth of
US dollars.

Bill: No they aren't laughing 70% of their national reserves are dollars, they
are trying to sell them and convert them to gold.

ME: How do you know about all this?

Bill: My father is an economist and I've heard him mention conspiracy theories
about gold reserves etc.

ME: Yeah? What kind of theories? Those like the whacky ideas that our government
was behind the 9/11 attack and explosives were placed in the twin towers and set
off to insure the buildings would fall?

Bill: Not exactly that radical, or extreme although it was strange that the
Mayor of Sanfrancisco was warned not to fly a full eight hours before the
terrorist attacks. In this situation with the gold there are really only two
possibilities.

ME: Those are?

Bill: Either the gold is in the vaults or it's not.

ME: And congress hasn't ordered an independent verification to answer such a
simple question?

Bill: No.

ME: So if the gold is not accounted for, where is it.

Bill: Either stolen or sold.

Most of the gold in Ft. Knox was moved to other locations like vaults in NY city
under the stock exchange and to Westpoint NY.

ME: Can you imagine the logistics and security involved when transporting
billions of dollars worth of gold bullion?

Bill: It shouldn't be a problem for the military.

ME: I would like to see that convoy.

Bill: Probably wouldn't be anything to see, it would be done is the utmost
secrecy.

ME: I'm going to take a nap, wake me up when we get to the airport.

Bill: Ok.

[Later.]

Bill: Wake up, we have arrived.

ME: That was a good nap.

Bill: Where do you want to be dropped off?

ME: All the way down at the end.

[I wanted him to quickly exit the airport after I got out and I wanted to avoid
security cameras.

I went to my van, luckily I had hidden my keys under it in a part of the frame
that would have been nearly impossible to find. I was glad I didn't have them on
me when I was searched by the FBI. I started up and drove to the gate and paid
for the parking and left the airport. I bought a cheap hack saw and cut off the
bracelet and I bought a cell phone. I called for information for the FBI number
at the Hoover building headquarters, and made a call.]

Operator: May I help you?

ME: Hello, I need to speak to Jack Crawford.

Operator: I can put you through to his office.

[rings.]

Secretary: Hello.

ME: Hello, I need to speak to Jack Crawford.

Secretary: This is his office, may I help you.

ME: Yes, you can connect me to agent Crawford.

Secretary: He is in a meeting, who shall I say is calling.

ME: Sherlock Holmes.

Secretary: Is this urgent?

ME: Yes, extremely.

Secretary: What shall I say is the emergency, agent Crawford is a very busy man.

ME: Tell him that you have a displaced agent on the phone who has a problem with
his assignment.

[I wait and wait, I'm sure my position is being triangulated, I read that last
year sprit was requested 8 hundred thousand times for cell phone location
positions.... And that's just one company.]

Jack: Hello, who is this?

ME: Hello, we were scheduled for lunch in Huntsville a few days ago but it got
canceled.

Jack: Where are you?

ME: Is this connection absolutely secure? Can someone like your secretary listen
in?

Jack: What's your number? I'll call you right back.

ME: 6345789 you can call me any old time.

Jack: Ok, I'm call you in a minute.

ME: Ok.

[Hang up, a couple minutes the phone rings.]

Jack: You are in trouble.

ME: Me? Why?

Jack: First, you escaped in Birmingham.

ME: No I didn't. I simply told the driver that I was where I wanted to and he
drove off and left me at a gas station.

Jack: That's not the report I got.

ME: What difference does it make? You could have had me picked up if you wanted.

Jack: Well it's more difficult now, how did you disable that bracelet? It
stopped working and you hadn't even had it on for 24 hrs.

ME: Nothing to it, I just asked a junkie and he told me what to do.

Jack: Yeah I know, we have visited his house.

ME: I hope you treated him with more respect than you did me. You kept me all
day, without food or medical treatment.

Jack: We aren't interested in a junkie. Where are you?

ME: Why is that important? I'm sure you have already located my general location
and will be tracking this cell phone, so let me get to the point.

Jack: What is the point?

ME: I think I've figured out where the airplane may have been going.

Jack: Where?

ME: Listen, I know this is going to sound crazy but think first, whats the most
valuable national target near where we landed?

Jack: The Huntsville space station?

ME: No, something of much much much greater value.

Jack: I don't have time to play 40 questions.

ME: Have you considered Ft. Knox?

Jack: Why do you think the plane was headed for Ft. Knox.

ME: You obviously know the importance of securing the nation's gold reserve.

Jack: Everyone in law enforcement does.

ME: What if an airplane crashed there?

Jack: Nothing, the gold is secure in a vault with an impenetrable 30 ton door.

ME: Impenetrable from the outside.

Jack: What do you mean?

ME: Don't you know the saying: It's much easier to rob a bank if you own it?

Jack: So you think the owners want to rob Ft. Knox.

ME: I don't know but I got to get off this phone now. Give me a number where I
can get a secure connection to you.

Jack: You know how to reach me through my secretary.

ME: Ok, don't give me your number, I guess we are done.

Jack: I thought you had something important to say.

ME: Ok, I'll give you this tip to check on, I was at a truck stop and overheard
truckers talking, did you know that several trucking companies had dispatched
drivers to pick up loads around Louisville and Nashville but all those loads
were canceled the day of the hijacking?

Jack: Is that so?

ME: Yes, do you think that an plane crash at Ft. Knox could create enough
confusion to enable gold to be moved in secrecy?

Jack: No, absolutely not, there would be 10, maybe 100 times as much law
enforcement at the scene of an terrorist airplane crash than usual.

ME: Ok, well maybe I've waste of your time but if I were you I would check on
all those freight shipments that were canceled after the hijack was thwarted.

Jack: Ok, I'll do that but you need to turn yourself into the FBI headquarters
in Atlanta and get a working bracelet. You are in violations of our arrangement.

ME: I'll go right over. Sorry, that's my time, bye.

Jack: Hold on, here is my number: 555-1212.

ME: Bye.

[I toss the phone out the window and drive away.

I know that I should just forget about it but I smell a rat and it's bugging the
hell out of me.

I'm bored and lonely. I think I'll try to locate Susan. Her last name was
Goolsby and she was from Griffith Ga. not so far from here. I could probably
find here parents name listed in the phone book. So I drive about a half hour
south of the Atlanta airport and check into a hotel and get a good long hot
shower and look for Goolsby in the phone book. There are only 3 listed so I
start calling.]

ME: Hello, I'm trying to locate Susan, is this the right number?

Voice: She doesn't live here, who is this?

ME: I went to school with her at UAB a couple years ago. I had her cell number
but I lost my cell phone and didn't have here number written down anywhere.

Voice: Here is her number.

ME: Thank you.

[I got my cell phone and called her.]

ME: Hello.

Susan: Hello, who is this?

ME: Would you like to buy some aluminum siding for your house?

Susan: I don't own a house.

ME: You don't know who this is?

Susan: I'm afraid to ask.

ME: It's my birthday, what color panties are you wearing? [Haha]

Susan: I'm not wearing any.

ME: That's what you get for dropping out of school, now you can't get a good job
and can't even afford underwear.

Susan: I didn't drop out. I graduated and got a good job.

ME: Did you get married too? How many kids do you have now?

Susan: No and none.

ME: Are you constipated? Your don't seem to be too happy to hear from me.

Susan: Well you just left and never called or wrote or came back to see me.

ME: I'm sorry, I got religion and went to live in a monastery.

Susan: I'm surprised they let you out.

ME: They didn't, I escaped... Haven't we had this conversation before?

Susan: Yes and I ended up with a broken heart, cried for weeks then hated you.

ME: I'm glad I didn't call then, I'm very sorry, can I come and make a personal
apology?

Susan: Would I even recognize you?

ME: I'm not sure, I have my stitches out now.

Susan: I hope so, that was over a year ago.

ME: Where do you live?

Susan: Huntsville Alabama.

ME: You got to be kidding.

Susan: No, why do you say that?

ME: I was just there last week.

Susan: Were you one of those hijackers?

ME: Yeah, they finally gave me a quarter to make a phone call and I called you.

Susan: Smart ass.

ME: Well I want to see you.

Susan: Then what?

ME: You are the lawyer, your closing argument is your decision.

Susan: Fool me once, I'll make a better decision this time.

ME: I'm checking my schedule, yeah, I have an appointment in Huntsville tomorrow
you have time to bake me a birthday cake.

Susan: I don't like to bake cakes.

ME: That's ok, you can just make a pie.

Susan: A pie?

ME: Yeah, I'll drop by for a taste of your pie.

Susan: I don't think my boyfriend would like that.

ME: Probably not, I don't recommend you tell him.

Susan: Ok, I'll see you but you'll keep it in your pocket it's not going to be
one last fling for old time sake.

ME: I'll call you tomorrow when I get to town.

Susan: Ok, bye.

ME: Bye.

[I head out for Huntsville. I am so excited about seeing Susan I got those
lyrics running around in my head... Don't it always seem to go that you don't
know what you've got till it's gone.

I can't belive I'm feeling so emotional. I am such a jerk. I just totally
disappeared and never called or wrote or anything.

She has no reason to forgive me. I'm selfish, cruel and ungrateful.

I get into Huntsville and give her a call.]

ME: Hello, I'm here.

Susan: Hello, unmm... I'm not so sure about this. I want to know, what do you
expect? What do you want exactly?

ME: Honestly, I just want to repent and ask forgiveness.

Susan: For real? With you I never know for sure what's going on, sometimes I
think you don't even know, you have an amazing gift of compassion, creativity
and wit, but you don't seem to always understand the line between reality and
fantasy.

ME: Cold hearted orb that rules the night, removes the colours from our sight,
red is gray and yellow white, but we decide which is right. And which is an
illusion?

Susan: See, I'm trying to have a serious conversation and you quote the Moody
Blues lyrics.

ME: You are right but I love you and you are my first, my last, my everything.

Susan: Stop it, how long did you rehearse that?

ME: You know me, nothing is ever rehearsed.

Susan: Yep, the bs just flies when you open your mouth, like you don't even
think about it.

ME: I can assure you I have thought about you a million times.

Susan: Ok, ok, enough, I'll meet you at the Holiday Inn.

ME: Shall I get us a room?

Susan: Hell no, see, you just don't know when to shut your mouth sometimes.

ME: I'll be there.

[Susan arrives and comes and sits in my van.]

Susan: You have a new van?

ME: No, I just painted the it.

Susan: You paint your van, you change your face, you disappear totally for over
a year, should I be afraid of you?

ME: No, not at all, not unless you are a terrorist.

Susan: That's not funny, they could have crashed here last week and killed me
and most of the people in the city.

ME: They couldn't, I wouldn't let them.

Susan: Pufft, see, that's what I mean, you lose your touch with reality.

ME: I'm serious, I was on that airplane and I stood up and told everyone to take
them down. Look here, I even got cut.

Susan: So why weren't you mentioned in the news? A guy from Georgia lead the
charge to take back that airplane. You should read the papers before you invent
your stories.

ME: I'm telling you I was on that airplane.

Susan: If you were, what were you doing on that flight?

ME: I was going to Hollywood to meet Clint Eastwood to get him to direct my
movie.

Susan: This just isn't working, you won't be serious even for one minute.

ME: I'll tell you what, I have the direct private number for agent Jack
Crawford, second in command of the FBI. We'll call him and he will verify I was
on that airplane.

Susan: You, you, you were flying to Hollywood to see Clint Eastwood and happened
to get on a flight with terrorist, and lead the charge to foil their plot and
now you are working directly with the head of the FBI.

ME: Pretty much... Except for the last part.

Susan: Are you on drugs? Did you go back and let those med students do
experiments on your brain?

ME: No, but Bill did give me a ride to Atlanta the other day after the hijacking
so I could get my van from the airport.

Susan: It just doesn't stop, you lied to me about that surgery. You wanted to
change your appearance and as soon as you did you got the hell out of town.

ME: I never lied to you, I said that all I would tell you was that it was about
money.

Susan: You lead me to believe those med students were paying you so they could
practice surgery on a live person.

ME: I never said that.

Susan: The night we met and I came over, I asked how did you end up here and you
said you signed up for grad students to practice surgery on.

ME: That was the reason I came to UAB, I wanted to change the way I looked.

Susan: Why?

ME: It all started late one night, I was in college with my brother and we
decided to cut class on Friday and go home for the weekend...

[I told her the whole story, all the way to pulling into the Holiday Inn and
meeting her.]

Susan: So, allow me to summarize.... Clint Eastwood is waiting on you to bring
your movie script to him in Hollywood and the head of the FBI released a
fugitive, you, to work undercover to solve the mystery of why terrorist were
trying to rob the gold in Ft. Knox. Is that about right?

ME: Not exactly.

Susan: Explain then.

ME: Clint Eastwood doesn't know I'm coming yet. I'm not working for the FBI
although they did release me, knowing I'm on the run, and yes I have the number
to contact the second in command.

Susan: What are your plans? What are you going to do next?

ME: Hang out with you for a while, do some research on the internet and try to
figure out what is going on with regards to the national gold reserves in Ft.
Knox.

Susan: Umm, I don't think so.

ME: Come on, why not? Where is your sense of adventure?

Susan: Adventure? I'll tell you why not... Either you are crazy or insane either
way you are hot.

ME: Well I know I'm "hot" in more ways that one.... But I'm neither crazy or
insane.

Susan: I think it would be foolish to get involved with you if even a fraction
of what you have said is true.

ME: Well I don't want to do it but looks like I'm going to have to call in a
favor.

Susan: What favor? I don't owe you anything.

ME: You forgot, I left you with my apartment, all my stuff and rent paid for a
couple months.

Susan: I didn't ask for any of that and I had a room in the dorm.

ME: And now I need shelter and you have decided to kick me to the curb.

Susan: You can check in right here at the Holiday Inn.

ME: Should I get the presidents suit?

Susan: If you lived in the presidents suit I may even come to visit.

ME: I'm sure you would, and my min-bar bill would be over $200 every day.

Susan: I don't drink much.

ME: You were more fun that night you were drinking and came over to my
apartment.

Susan: I'm still fun.

ME: And I'm living in a van, cold and uncomfortable, peeing in a milk jug and
washing up in a sink at McDonalds.

Susan: By choice.

ME: I can't check in there, even if I wanted to, I don't have an id and I risk
getting caught and going back to jail.

Susan: You would have a bed and toilet in jail.

ME: I'm not laughing.

Susan: Ok, ok, ok, you can come spend a few days with me.

ME: I thought you would never ask, what about your boyfriend.

Susan: I'll tell him you are my adopted brother.

ME: I see that I'm not the only one who can open their mouth and the bs starts
flying freely.

Susan: Do you think you can follow me without a meteorite falling on us on the
way to my apartment?

ME: When you wish upon a star...

Susan: By the way, can you afford to pay rent?

ME: I guess I better sleep in the van when we get to your apartment.

Susan: So, if you sleep in the van, all you really want is my toilet paper?

ME: Unmm.... As I mentioned on the phone I would also like to taste your pie.

Susan: You think you can afford my pie?

ME: Depends... How much?

Susan: $50,000.

ME: I don't want to buy it... Just rent it for a while.

Susan: It's not for rent.

ME: Ok, lets go.

Susan: Follow me.

[We drive to her apartment.]

ME: Nice place, what do you do?

Susan: I'm a prelegal.

ME: Paralegal? You went to UAB for 4 years, spent $100,000 on educations to get
a job that you could do with a diploma you bought on the Internet? For just $200
you could have a PHD diploma in paralegalism.

Susan: Not everyone cheats for what they got, some people work for it. Anyway, I
have to work as a paralegal, learn how to research and work with lawyers to
build a case based on solid facts. It's no different than a medical student
working as an intern before they open their own office and practice medicine.

ME: You are right, sorry, what are you working on now?

Susan: A little of this and a little of that, nothing big right now.

ME: Good, you can help me research my case.

Susan: You mean you are going to turn yourself in and take your rap?

ME: God no, I'm going to help the FBI solve this problem and get a pardon.

Susan: You always look for the shortcut.

ME: Of course, I was designed and moulded from birth to be a dirty politician
when I grew up.

Susan: Congratulations, you have arrived, all you need now is the votes.

ME: Haha, so will you put your experience to work for me and help the resolve
the hijack case?

Susan: You are in way over your head and to make it worse, you are a fugitive
who can't even check into the Holiday Inn, how can you possibly do the legwork
even if you wanted to play Colombo?

ME: How do you think you'll ever win a case with such a negative attitude?

Susan: I'll choose my cases.

ME: Oh, like Reese Witherspoon in legally blonde"

Ms. Woods... Would you rather have a client who committed a crime... malum in se
or malum prohibitum? Neither. I would rather have a client who's innocent. Dare
to dream, Ms. Woods.

Susan: Shutup.

ME: Seems you have lost "that old give it the college try" spirit.

Susan: I've lived and learned, the last time I had that spirit I ended up naked.

ME: I remember another time when I was in college and a hot girl road up to me
on her bicycle and jumped off and took off her clothes threw them on the ground
and stood there naked and opened her arms to me and said, "you can have anything
you want."

Susan: Yeah right, I'll go along... What did you do?

ME: I took her bicycle.

Susan: Why?

ME: Because I didn't think her clothes would fit.

Susan: [Snicker] It never stops.

ME: Ok, when can we work on my case.

Susan: What do you think I can contribute? I'm not doing anything illegal. You
can forget that.

ME: How about tomorrow we go over the details?

Susan: How about Saturday?

ME: Ok, but we'll have to take a break and watch the University of Alabama win
the national championship.

Susan: I see how committed you are.

ME: All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Susan: So your name is Jack now?

ME: No, I still like Mr. B.

Susan: Mister Big is already a character in sex in the city.

ME: Maybe I'm Mister Bigger?

Susan: Or mister bull shit.

[Saturday comes - sitting at her computer.]

ME: Ok, I have typed up the facts as I know them, let's go over each point.

Susan: Is that how it's done?

ME: Let's get serious, what do you suggest?

Susan: Ok, let's get serious, this will be interesting, I've never seen you
serious.

ME: Airplane headed from Atlanta to L.A. hijacked immediately after takeoff
suggests they were urgent. Do you concur?

Susan: Yes.

ME: hijackers turned the airplane north, only 3 targets of major national
interest in that direction.

Susan: What 3?

ME: Nuclear power plant near Chattanooga, military base on east Tennessee,
Kentucky state line and Ft. Knox.

Susan: They seem to take a rout toward Ft. Knox that would have split the other
two targets.. Like a 10 - 7 split in bowling.

ME: Yes, good analogy, so it is most probable that they were headed for the
national gold reserves in Ft. Knox.

Susan: And then what?

ME: Umm... They cause the plane to crash, cause a distraction while gold is
stolen.

Susan: Ok.

ME: But Agent Crawford tole me that didn't make sense because there would be 10
times the normal law enforcement called to the area a hijacked plane goes down,
making it nearly impossible to get away with any kind of crime.

Susan: Anything else?

ME: Yeah, I saw a parachute.

Susan: If they planned to jump out it wasn't a suicide mission.

ME: But when I told the FBI they said that no parachutes were found on the
airplane, they thought I had made it up.

Susan: You are sure you didn't just see the straps on a backpack or something
like that?

ME: I really think it was a parachute.

Susan: So, how could hijacker jump out with parachutes and still fly the
airplane into any target?

ME: Well they couldn't, I never though of that, when we overpowered them an took
back the airplane we landed where the pilot wanted to land.

Susan: So if the hijackers jumped out near Ft. Knox, the airplane may have
landed in Lousiville.

ME: Yeah, but that doesn't accomplish anything.

Susan: Well, like agent Crawford pointed out, law enforcement would have been
increased 10 fold.

ME: Yep.

Susan: Where would all those extra law men come from?

ME: Surrounding areas, should they want to get them there the quickest.

Susan: So, military forces could have easily been called away from Ft. Knox.

ME: You think they would relax the security if a hijacking ended in the area?

Susan: Just saying, it may call away some of the forces.... And what about the
hijackers, if they jumped out anywhere Ft. Knox, military resources may be
called out to help find them.

ME: Still security of the gold reserves would be higher.

Susan: Still, even with higher security, the focus would be outward, their backs
would be to the gold, when they turned toward the airplane and the hijackers
fleeing in the woods.

ME: I think I'll run that by Jack and find out if they have info about those
truck loads that got canceled.

Susan: Hahaha, he is not going to share any information with you.

ME: I think he trusts me to some degree, why did he let me go, with the unspoken
agreement that I would not go to the press, the FBI doesn't know what is going
on any more than I do.

Susan: If he was worried about you going to the press you definitely would not
have been released, he lost control of that when they let you go.

ME: Maybe he thought he could track me and maybe I could lead him to the
hijackers headquarters.

Susan: Why would he think that?

ME: Because he told me he thought I was connected with the hijackers and when I
realized I may be killed in the mission I fought back to save my own life.

Susan: But you would have never gone back to the hijackers headquarters wearing
a tracking device they know that.

ME: I thought you were going to help. You are just making this more difficult.

Susan: I am helping. You have to deal with the facts in every case.

ME: Ok but the reality is that they did release me with a tracking device.

Susan: They probably knew you would cut it off and they are still tracking you
some other way.

ME: What other way? I didn't swallow anything, I've had showers.

Susan: How about your van? Your clothes? Your bag?

ME: They had no idea that I had a van, they asked me how I got to the airport in
Atlanta and I told them I hitched-hiked. I had someone else take my bag. I
changed clothes after I took a shower in my old apartment and took some clean
ones from the guy who had moved in.

Susan: They probably monitored everyone who left the parking lot in Atlanta.

ME: Maybe, but even if they reviewed videos and spotted me, it was too late for
them to put a tracking device on my van.

Susan: They would have the tag number and the description.

ME: I only have a temporary tag. But with my tinted windows it would have been
very difficult to have identified me leaving.

Susan: Then when you called Jack they easily located were you made that call
from.

ME: I threw the phone away when I hung up.

Susan: I just find it hard to believe you slipped the surveillance of the FBI.

ME: I think you are just paranoid.

Susan: Could be but if you call Jack from here they will know where you are.

ME: Hey, I got an idea.

Susan: Why am I nervous?

ME: Let's take your car and visit the aquarium in Birmingham tomorrow, I can
pick up a cell phone and call Jack and find out what information he has on those
canceled shipments.

Susan: You still live in a fantasy world. There is no way he will released
classified information to you, a known fugitive with suspected connections to
the hijacking.

ME: When there is nothing to lose by trying, there is no reason not to try.

Susan: You are free you have a lot to lose.

ME: I think the risk is minimal.

Susan: Ok, and the expenses and dinner are on you.

ME: Fair enough.

[Next day, after the university of Alabama had won the nation championship we
drove to Birmingham.

I get a cell phone and call Jack's direct number.]

ME: Hello, how's it going.

Jack: Where are you?

ME: You'll find out, it's no problem to trace the location of this call is
coming from.

Jack: What do you want?

ME: I'm just reporting in as all agents are expected to do.

Jack: You aren't an agent.

ME: Anyway, what did you find out about the canceled truck loads?

Jack: We don't give out classified information to fugitives on the run.

ME: Come on Jack, throw me a bone, you know that me and you are the two
Americans most stressed out over all this, I'm probably the only one who knows
what you are going through.

Jack: You have northing to worry about, it's not your job.

ME: Well listen, I thought about what you said about the security becoming 10
fold wherever the plane went down.

Jack: So you realize they weren't going to gain anything from crashing into Ft.
Knox.

ME: They weren't going to crash the airplane, they were going to jump out, then
it would have landed wherever the pilots chose to set it down... Probably
Louisville.

Jack: What would have been the point of the hijacking then?

ME: Like you said, the security would have been increased 10 fold, where would
the backup reserves have come from? To get there quickly some would have been
sent from the military base in Ft. Knox.

Jack: Even so, security would have been beefed up there.

ME: Think about this, if the hijackers jumped out... Say around Bowing Green and
the airplane landed in Lousiville, the people who were guarding the gold would
be in the middle of it all.

Jack: I suppose so.

ME: Remember when I had you and your partner sit with your back to the door
during the interrogation?

Jack: Yes.

ME: Even with more security the guards would probably have been looking for the
hijackers or their terrorist cell to come out of the woods and attack.

Jack: I can assure you that the guards would never take their eyes off the
prize.

ME: Maybe not the guards... But their superiors would have been caught up in the
excitement.

Jack: It's impossible to rob Ft. Knox and get away with that kind of weight in
gold.

ME: What if it wasn't going to be robbed.

Jack: What would be the point then.

ME: Think about this... Say you own a small business and you have a sign out
sheet in your supply room. Employees have to record the supplies they take. But
if you go and get a few pens and a box of paper clips will you bother to write
it down?

Jack: Ft. Knox doesn't house pens and paper clips.

ME: Doesn't matter, same thing.

Jack: So why would the people who have the authority to move gold out of Ft.
Knox want to stage a hijacking if they wanted to move it?

ME: I haven't figured that out yet.

Jack: Well when you do, give me a call.

ME: So tell me, what did you find out about the canceled freight loads? Who
scheduled them? Where were they scheduled to go?

Jack: I've told you that we don't give out classified information except to
agents, and then it's only on a need to know basis.

ME: Well swear me in Jack, my hand is raised.

Jack: We don't do it like that.

ME: This is a good time to make a policy revision.

Jack: What if you had classified information and went to the media? I would have
hell to pay.

ME: You knew I could have gone to the media when you let me go... So why did you
let me go? Did you think I would go back to terrorist headquarters and lead you
to the hideout?

Jack: No, we knew you weren't involved.

ME: So why did you make those accusations and how did you know I wasn't
involved?

Jack: We wanted to rattle you.

ME: You did that, but how did you know I wasn't involved?

Jack: Simple, terrorist would never use a fugitive on the run, it would be too
easy to thwart the hijacking had you been caught going through security with
your fake id.

ME: Why didn't you think I would go to the press.

Jack: You are on the run, you don't want that attention, you rather be free.

ME: I could have written them a letter.

Jack: I decided that you would not want to get more involved and you would
probably cut your losses and just disappear now I realize that I made an error
in judgment, you keep coming up with wild ideas and conspiracies.

ME: So just tell me, what was scheduled for those trucks?

Jack: No.

ME: Please, you know that my trouble is all related to an unavoidable accident
and I put my life on the line to thwart the hijacking, Jack, I may be a criminal
and a fugitive but I'm a true American, through and through and fate has put me
in this situation.

Jack: Ok, this all I'll say, there were at least 30 canceled loads that were
scheduled for pickups around Louisville, Bowing Green and a Nashville.

ME: I knew it, you would never have known that if I hadn't told you to check
into it. Where were they scheduled to deliver the freight?

Jack: Atlanta.

ME: Near the airport?

Jack: Yes.

ME: What does that warehouse mainly ship? What do they deal with?

Jack: Everything, but Asian freight makes up most of their shipments.

ME: Why so many trucks? They could easily move a billion dollars worth of gold
in few trucks?

Jack: What do you think?

ME: Looks like a shell game.

Jack: Shell game?

ME: You know what a shell game is, like on the streets of NY and other cities,
where the con men put a pea under one of three walnut shells and move them
around and con the tourist.

Jack: I know what a shell game is, but why do you think this was a shell game?

ME: The people behind this probably didn't totally trust each other, so they
wanted to several trucks so it would be difficult to know which trucks were
delivering the gold to Atlanta.

Jack: I'll consider all that.

ME: What about the blood on the deer hunter's pants?

Jack: I've said all I'm going to say.

ME: Did you find him? Was it his blood?

Jack: No comment.

ME: It was the blood of a hijacker and he wasn't Arabic. I just know it, they
were government agents.

Jack: You are just full of conspiracy theories.

ME: You didn't correct me, I told you they didn't speak pure Arabic. I'm betting
the FBI hasn't had access to question them, they will eventually disappear in a
deal that is for the "good of national security."

Jack: That would be a hard sell.

ME: I just made the sell.... They were released in exchange for information that
can catch Ben Lauden... But the information will be just a enough to almost
catch him.

Jack: Anything else?

ME: No, as always, it was a pleasure to talk with you, I'll check in another
time.

Jack: Bye.

[Susan has overheard my side of the conversation, she is in dismay.]

Susan: That was really the head of the FBI and he gave you information.

ME: Do you really think I staged that conversation to trick you?

Susan: Maybe you thought it would impress me.

ME: Then what?

Susan: Maybe you think this "spy talk" will get you bed moved off the couch.

ME: I give you more credit than that. Even if I wanted to impress you, I
wouldn't want to sleep in your bed as a results of trickery, I would want you to
want me there.

Susan: You're such a gentleman.

[We pull out and get on the road and I start singing "secret agent man, living a
life of danger, they've given you a number and taken away your name, secret
agent man.

Susan breaks out in laughter.

We go to the aquarium, have a wonderful dinner and head back, I tell her to pull
into a service station so I can use the restroom. I pick up a few beers and
return to the car before she gets back... And sit in the driver's seat. She
comes out.]

ME: Give me the keys, I'm the designated driver.

Susan: You're not getting me drunk so you can have your way with me, are you?

ME: No, I don't have time for you, when we get home I have to research on the
internet.

Susan: Home? Is that where you think you are going?

ME: Ok, to your home.

[We get back to the apartment, Susan is relaxed after drinking a few beers, I
lock up the car, open the door and help her to her bedroom and tell her to get
ready for bed and leave her there.

I go get on the computer and start reading everything I can find about gold. I'm
finding it interesting that the Chinese are buying all the gold they can get.
They are trying to sell the trillion dollars of debt they have made in loans to
the US government.

I conclude that somehow this is all connected. I'll just have to sleep on it.

[Susan calls me.]

Susan: Bring me another beer.

There are a few left so I get one from the fridge and open it and pour it into a
glass and take it to her. She is nearly drunk, trying to talk but not clearly
coherent. I lay down beside her and turn on the tv and start flipping channels.
She turns takes a few more drinks, mumbles then turns to me and says.]

Susan: Do you love me?

ME: Yes, but will you remember my answer tomorrow?

Susan: You don't like me to drink do you?

ME: I bought it for you, I know you enjoy it. I don't like you to drink too
much. Why do you like to drink so much? What are you trying to escape?

Susan: I just like to drink.

ME: A person who just likes to drink has a few drinks, but you seem to like get
drunk.

Susan: What do you hope to do with your life? Do you have any goals?

ME: I would like to eventually resolve my legal matters and live a normal life.

Susan: Come here and snuggle with me, I want to be held.

ME: Thought you would never ask.

[Susan fell asleep a few minutes later. I wanted to get back on the computer and
research some more but I didn't want to wake her and it really did feel so good
to have the personal intimacy I had been missing for so long.

I fell asleep and woke up the next morning and Susan was in a frenzy to get to
work on time.]

ME: Sorry, I forgot to set the clock, I was going to get up and make you breakfast
in bed.

Susan: It's ok, but you can still do that another day, what did we do last
night?

ME: Nothing, just talked and snuggled.

Susan: I'll call later, I'm running late.

[I give her a little kiss and say.]

ME: Do you feel ok?

Susan: I'll make it.

ME: Have a good day.

Susan: Bye.

[I get a cup of coffee and get on the internet. If the hijacking has something
to do with gold in Ft. Knox, and China, and people in the Federal Reserve were
trying to move some of it out without going through legal procedures.... The
question is why? What could be so important that the hijacking incident was even
necessary? Clearly they didn't intend to kill anyone, they were prepared to jump
out and allow the plane to land safely.

Google:

Bbc news | business | China quietly builds gold reserve... China reveals that it
has been secretly doubling its gold reserves as part of a shift away from the us
dollar.

Cutting off our credit line would set off a world panic.

China's gold reserves should reach 6000 tons in the next 3 to 5 years.

Can you imagine the headline "US gives China billions in gold." Let’s face who
else has 403 tons of gold and a need to back the paper they have already
printed?

The United States of America has 8133.5 tons of gold. That makes USA with the
#1 largest gold reserve.

***

[A truck can carry 80,000 lbs, roughly 40 tons... So it would take 10 trucks to
move 403 tones of gold.

But wait, isn't a pound of gold only 12 ounces, while a pound of everything else
is 16 ounces? So a ton of gold would only be 3/4 of 2000 lbs 15,000 lbs... A
single transport truck could move 53 tons of gold... So the 403 tons of gold for
China could be moved with about 7 trucks.]

Google:

No visitors are allowed and no one person has access to all the combinations of
the vault, only president's orders can allow entry.

***

They couldn't get president's orders? Maybe the people running the economy have
no concern about the president, just let him travel around and make speeches
about weatherizing homes to save the economy.

But here is a major problem...

Only about 1,000 tons of gold is stored at Ft. Knox - 1/8 the total national
gold reserves.

How can they secretly load and sneak nearly half of it out? Why do they want to
sneak it out?

The Federal Reserve convinced congress to come up with nearly a trillion dollars
to bail out banks that made unsecure loans and "save the world from economic
collapse" it was very unpopular, congress's approval rating dipped to 14%.

It's not a stretch of the imagination to think that the Fed were afraid they
would fail if they had to go back to congress to meet the demands of communist
China. And even if they did, the reaction of world governments and commerce
finding out about the deal would cause a panic.

Perhaps the people who actually run the country and the Federal Reserve made a
plan with China to quietly transfer the gold. The Chinese were beginning to
realize they may end up with worthless debt notes that the US couldn't pay back.
Even communist know that getting something is better than getting nothing.

Back to the hijacking.... Why was a diversion needed? How could they expect to
get away with removing half the gold stored in Ft. Knox.

Too much too much to think about. I'll run it by Susan tonight.

Susan comes home.]

ME: Welcome home sweetheart, how was your day?

Susan: Pretty busy - but I was dragging.

ME: No doubt, I'm glad you are home.

Susan: So how many naps did you take today? And where's my dinner?

ME: It's still too early to make dinner and I don't know what there is to fix
around here.

Susan: Well take an inventory, I'm going to take a bath and lay down.

ME: Want me to wash your back?

Susan: No, my front.

ME: You know that kind of talk has an enhancing effect on me.

Susan: Just leave me alone, wake me up later when you have dinner ready.

ME: You used to be fun.

Susan: Stop saying that.

ME: Ok... Get a rest.

[ I put food in the oven to slow cook for an hour and watch football.

All my research, all my theories, all my detective work... Still falls apart
when it comes to the question of why the Federal Reserve would set up such an
elaborate scheme to smuggle gold that they could have just taken directly to the
airport.

Halftime comes and the food is cooked.

I go wake up Susan. I take a hot washrag like they pass out on airplanes.]

Susan: Oh that feels so good.

ME: Dinner's ready.

Susan: A few more minutes.

ME: If you don't get up you'll sleep till the middle of the night then wake up
and can't go back to sleep.

Susan: Are you my mother?

ME: Maybe, I was going to give you a bath but you said you were a big girl now,
then I cooked your dinner, tomorrow I'll probably be doing your dishes, your
laundry and cleaning your house.

Susan: Let's eat.

ME: Do you want me to feed you too?

Susan: Not tonight.

[We eat and I start talking about the gold in Ft. Knox.]

Susan: Can you just drop it for a while? That's all you do, worry about your far
fetched conspiracy theory.

ME: Ok, just thought you may be interested, let's watch the second half of the
football game.

Susan: Ok but I'll portably fall asleep, I don't find football that interesting.

ME: Ok, let's sit on the couch together and if you fall asleep I can play with
your goodies, can't get any better than that for a man, watching football and
playing with boobies.

Susan: Don't you know that it turns a woman off to be whippy and needy? Traits
like higher status, masculinity, leadership, confidence and composure turn a
woman on.

ME: I have most of those traits, I lead a winning football team, initiated the
actions that thwarted a terrorist attack, I had confidence and composure when
interrogated by the FBI.

Susan: You sound like Meatloaf singing "I want you, I need you, now don't be sad
'cause two out of three ain't bad."

[I don't have a comeback for that so it gets quiet and we watch the game and she
finally says.]

Susan: What did you find out today?

ME: More questions than answers.

Susan: I was thinking about something you had said about the FBI interrogation.

ME: Yeah? What's that.

Susan: They told you that you didn't have right to council because you were
under military arrest.

ME: Yeah, something like that, I was denied a lawyer.

Susan: The FBI is not the military, they do not have the option of putting you
under military arrest, they can't legally deny you council.

ME: Then why would they say that?

Susan: To rattle you, cause fear and doubt, mental pressure and manipulation.

ME: Well it was definitely an intense, frightening experience.

Susan: What did you figure out today?

ME: I found a lot of info about the Chinese getting restless with our trillion
dollar debt and lots of internet chatter about giving the Chinese 403 tons of
gold to support our weak dollar... Or else they would cut off credit, and cause
world wide panic.

Like I said, I have more questions that answers.

Susan: What questions?

ME: First, there isn't much gold in Ft. Knox, to ship 403 tons to the Chinese
would take half the gold that is stored there, the first time a anyone looked at
the stack of gold they would notice half of it missing. Remember what the
capitan of the Titanic said?

Susan: What?

ME: He said "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"

Susan: Haha.

ME: Anyone walking into the Ft. Knox vault would say almost the opposite "Where
the fuck did all that gold go?"

Susan: Well I guess that's that?

ME: Not exactly... The US has 8,000 tons of gold, most of it was once in Ft.
Knox but it's been moved and now there is only 1,000 tons there. Is it possible
that the gold was being moved back to Ft. Knox and some was going to disappear
in route?

Susan: That would be difficult to explain, if it were being transferred it would
have to arrive and be accounted for.

ME: See my problem?

Susan: What if they used the shell game?

ME: Shell game? You heard me talking about that to Jack yesterday, what do you
mean?

Susan: Suppose they checked the gold into the military base then when they
unloaded a truck at the vault, the next truck that pulled in was empty and they
put the gold that was unloaded right back in another truck, then repeated the
process till they had the 403 tons they needed. All the gold would have appeared
to be unloaded into the vault and the trucks that brought it would leave empty
when they left the gates.

ME: That is amazing! Truly amazing!

Susan: Yeah, haha.

ME: But wait, since the hijacking plan went bad, that means that there are
trucks full of gold, parked inside Ft. Knox but outside the vault.

Susan: Yeah, probably if our theory is correct.

ME: But why don't they just drive them out to the warehouse in Atlanta, to be
flown to China?

Susan: No idea.

ME: Well first, it's obviously not a good idea to show up to a warehouse in
Atlanta with pallets of gold to be shipped, it would need to be boxed and some
car parts or tomatoes put on top.

Susan: Tomatoes, haha.

ME: Probably not a good idea to have a convoy of military trucks from Ft. Knox
trucks rolling into a warehouse in Atlanta either.... That's the reason they had
set up FedEx and other truck lines to carry loads to Atlanta... That were
canceled.

Susan: So what's the other question?

ME: Why did they need a distraction? Why not just drive out after the exchange,
or even now?

Susan: For whatever reason the Fed didn't want the military involved.

ME: All the same.

Susan: Not really.

ME: What you mean?

Susan: Remember how I explained that the FBI couldn't hold you without council
like the military can?

ME: Yes.

Susan: The military is a different branch of the government.

ME: So, why not just include them in the plot to secretly transfer of the gold?

Susan: Guess you'll have to figure that out.

ME: Let's go to bed.

Susan: Ok.

[We go to bed, I'm happy to have moved off the couch, wake up and she getting
ready for work.

She leaves and I'm having my morning coffee and wondering what my brain has
worked out during sleep to solve the question of why the Fed and the military
aren't working together to just move the gold directly to China.

The point Susan made about the line between the military and other governmental
departments like the FBI, and probably the secret service and the Federal
Reserve keeps coming up in my head.

I begin to Google and come upon a report that said, contrary to what I had been
reading, the a physical gold audit was performed by an independent accounting
firm called KMPG. However, KMPG issued an opinion on the mint's 2005 financial
statements that said:

"These financial statements are the responsibility of the mint's management. Our
responsibility is to express an opinion on these financial statements based on
our audits. We did not audit the united states' gold and silver reserves for
which this mint serves as custodian. These reserves were audited by to united
states department of the treasury, office of inspector general.

Wtf? It gets more interesting... A new report was released that said the KMPG
did in fact, take a physical inventory themselves in 2006.

But according to a treasury dept. Source, KMPG did not directly observe the
physical inventory at west point, where 20% of the gold reserves are said to be
stored.

I'm hearing Donovan singing, first there is a mountain, then there is no
mountain, then there is.

Bottom line, there has been no independent audit of U.S. Gold reserves since the
Nixon administration... If there was even one then.

Ok... Is there anything I can do, other than guess that there are 7 truck loads
of 403 tons of gold parked on base at Ft. Knox?

Why wouldn't the military prevent the collapse of the dollar?

People in the military are willing to give their lives for the country, surely
they would give up a few bars of gold, that represented less than 5% of our
gold reserves to save our economy.

Google:

"the guard force is composed of men selected from various government agencies,
and recruited from civil service registers. No visitors are permitted at the
depository. This policy was adopted when the depository was established, and is
strictly enforced."

I'm thinking...

Obviously no American citizen who understood the critical need to appease the
Chinese to keep faith in the us dollar and keep lending, at least enough to
indicate they still had faith in the US dollar and prevent drastic world wide
devaluation of our currency, would oppose giving the Chinese some gold.

It would not be a good idea if the rest of he world knew how critical our
situation has become.

I suppose the Fed was more concerned with secrecy and of course, the military
would have hell to pay should 400 tons of gold just vanish under their
watch.

I want to talk to Jack Crawford again.

I decide to take a ride, north to near Nashville and give him a call. I called
Susan at work.]

ME: Hey, how's it going?

Susan: Fine, what's up?

ME: I got to go somewhere and make a phone call and I probably wouldn't be back
till late that night.

Susan: You're coming back right?

ME: Yes.

[I drive north to near Nashville, and call Jack.]

ME: Hello Jack, hows our case going?

Jack: What you got? I'm busy.

ME: I'm sure you are so I'll get right to it. I've done a lot of research and
come to the conclusion that the Fed and their economic cronies did hatch up a
plan to create a diversion to secretly transfer gold to China to stabilize the
dollar.

Jack: You did huh? All you did was read conspiracy theories people have posted
on the internet.

ME: Ok, just listen for one minute and consider my suggestion based on this
theory.

Jack: Make it brief.

ME: The Chinese want 403 tons of gold, that's half of what's in Ft. Knox and
would be easily missed, even without any official audit, so, Ft. Knox was only
being used as a staging area. Gold was being transferred there from other
locations, a lot of it, maybe 2000 tons, so that 403 tons would not be noticed
without an official audit.

Jack: But it would be locked in the vault.

ME: Think about the shell game.

Jack: Explain.

ME: Like the pea in the shell game the gold is inside a truck, it's backed up
and unloaded and the process is repeated. What if some of the trucks that are
backed up were empty trucks, and gold was loaded back onto them? The gold would
not be locked in the vault.

Jack: So where is it if that is what happened?

ME: Well, we know the ups FedEx trucks had their loads canceled so it didn't
make it to Atlanta.

Jack: So you think it was stolen?

ME: No, the gold is still sitting in the trucks inside the fence at Ft. Knox.

Jack: That's a pretty wild idea.

ME: How can you check it out without tipping your hand?

Jack: You keep giving me assignments.

ME: And everyone of them has proven to be solid facts and I thin this one will
be too.

Jack: How would you check it out?

ME: With your resources? I would first check aerial photographs and see if there
are 7 trucks that may be loaded with gold and parked in side the fence at Ft.
Knox. Zoom in on the tires and determine if the trucks are loaded, and by now
you must have some leads, even though this entire job could have been cooked up
and carried out by about a dozen people... You should be able to find a truck
driver and put the screws on him and find out if there was a shell game at the
Ft. Knox vault. There must be some records of gold being transferred to Ft.
Knox, it could have been done over a year ago, maybe two years ago while the
rest of the plot was hatched up. Maybe the hijacking was a diversion to get the
trucks out. But if there are trucks loaded with gold were sitting inside the
fence at Ft. Knox they have to be very nervous about them being discovered. Even
if they are not needed, they probably have scheduled routine
maintenance....meanwhile the Chinese are growing impatient.

Jack: Why doesn't the military just deliver the goal?

ME: That's the only thing I haven't figured my only theories are real weak.

Jack: What are they?

ME: The gold needed to be transferer without the world governments knowing about
it, or confidence in the dollar would plummet, the people involved have to be
kept to a minimum. And to ask the department of the government to help in a gold
smuggling plot -- that is responsible to guard the gold -- would be a difficult
persuasion to make.

Jack: It would be impossible to keep such a transfer of wealth a secret from
foreign governments.

ME: They kept it from the FBI, you didn't have a clue about what was going on or
you would not have come down to personally interrogate me.

Jack: But the Chinese would leak it.

ME: Absolutely no way! They have as much to lose as we do if the value of the
dollar falls, 70% of their reserves are dollars. Furthermore, a communist
government, even the size of China with over 4 billion people, is run by less
than 50 people, probably only 4 or 5. It takes over 500 goones to run our
democracy.

Jack: Do you have anything else? I have to go.

ME: No, but if you want to get in touch with me, put a gold star on the FBI
webpage.

Jack: You think you are like Batman and we can flash a light in the sky when we
need you to come to the rescue?

ME: Just sayin.

Jack: You need to visit our local office and get fitted for a new bracelet.

ME: I'll be right over.

Jack: Bye.

[I head back to Huntsville, I've done all I can think of doing, I need to give
my mind a rest and make that trip to California and give Clint Eastwood my movie
script. I just found out that he is 80 years old I better get moving before he
croaks.

I arrive back at the apartment, it's late, I knock on the door, Susan answers.]

Susan: You came back this time.

ME: You seem happy to see me.

Susan: Maybe a little, I was worried that something may have happened.

ME: Nope, all went smooth.

Susan: What did you find out?

ME: Nothing, nothing at all, I just did most of the talking and told him our
theories.

Susan: You talked about me?

ME: No, I didn't tell him I had a Watson.

Susan: Watson?

ME: Sherlock Holmes partner.

Susan: Haha.

ME: Is there anything to eat?

Susan: I'll order a pizza.

ME: Here is some money to help with food and bills.

Susan: You don't need to do that.

ME: Allow me to demonstrate my higher status and masculinity.

Susan: That bothers you doesn't it?

ME: Well yes, you attacked my manhood, made me feel I lacked the talents - no it
was traits - that are attractive to a woman.

Susan: Yeah, but money can't by my love.

ME: You said $50,000 could rent it.

Susan: You know I was playing.

ME: I guess I'm tired also I'm thinking there isn't anything more I can do so I
should go to California and take my script to Cint Eastwood.

Susan: Can I read it?

ME: No, you have to wait till the movie comes out and pay for an $8 ticket like
everyone else.

Susan: What's it about?

ME: My life.

Susan: You think that would make an interesting movie?

ME: I wish, but unfortunately I'm more like a low tech, redneck Jason Bourne.
Except I don't have multiple passports, Swiss bank amounts, transverse national
borders without detection. Instead, I hide in attics and live in a van and
shower at truck stops. I don't have high tech devices, I pick locks with a fork
and escape jail by getting myself hijacked while washing a cars. Rather than
living a life of international intriguer and speaking several languages fluently
and having Franka Potente as my girlfriend I've got you.

Susan: Sounds like a "b" movie.

ME: "b" movies still make a few million dollars.

Susan: Screen writers are lucky to make minimum wages, Winston Groom wrote
Forest Gump and the movie made over $150 million dollars at the box office and
they still cooked the books so he wouldn't get his 3% commission.

ME: I know, but Tom hanks and the director raked a clean 40 million off top of
the gross sales.

Susan: So you should forget about writing and shoot for the stars and become an
actor or director.

ME: I suppose, but I'm too lazy to get up at 5 am and spend 16 hours a day on a
set and memorize someone else's lines.

Susan: [Cracks up laughing.]

ME: What's so funny?

Susan: You sound like Pee Wee Herman at the end of his big adventurer.

ME: Why?

Susan: He says: Come on, Dottie. Let's go. She says: Don't you want to see the
rest of the movie? Pee Wee says: I don't have to see it, Dottie. I lived it.

ME: I guess so, I'm living this.

ME: By the way, I told Jack if he wanted me to call to put a gold star on the
FBI webpage.

Susan: Like the Batman signal in the sky?

ME: That's what he asked.

Susan: It will be fun to check for.

ME: I think this is over... at least for me anyway. Jack wants me to check in
and get a gps bracelet. But I don't think he cares, he didn't want to talk to me
and I got the feeling he'll be happy when I just disappear.

Susan: What are your plans now?

ME: Veg out with you for a while if it's ok?

Susan: Yeah but you will get bored.

[Knock on the door, I'm looking scared, like a deer caught in the headlights.]

Susan: Relax, its the pizza guy.

ME: Yeah, I'm so stressed out.

Susan: We'll eat and go to bed early tonight.

ME: Sounds good.

[About a week has passed, Susan comes home and I'm getting dinner ready. I'm
setting the table and about to call her and she is on the computer, she says.]

Susan: Hey come here quick.

[I drop what I'm doing and rush over, she has the FBI web page up and is
pointing.]

Susan: There it is, right there.

[I'm trying to focus my eyes to where she is pointing and there is a gold star,
I do a double take then realize she has played a trick on me and pasted a star
on the computer screen.]

ME: Damn you!

[Susan is just cracking up.]

[About two months have passed since the hijacking and She is more involved with
her job.

I still go on the internet and play games and read articles about gold but
nothing new seems to be coming up. There are some articles about Lyndon Johnson
ordering the removal of several tons of gold from fort Knox, and had it sent to
England in 1978. But I'm getting bored with the subject.

I haven't checked the FBI site for a long time and decide to give it a click.

I can't believe it, there is a gold star on the page. Could it be? I've pretty
much lost my interest but maybe I'll head out for California and when I get to
Jackson Ms. I'll give Jack a call. It's probably just something a web designer
put up, not knowing about my talk with Jack.

I tell her goodbye and about hour after I leave to pull over and call Jack.
Phone rings and Jack answers.]

ME: Hello, what's upppppp?

Jack: You took your time, I put up the signal over a week ago.

ME: My internet went down, why have you "reached out" to me?

Jack: We need to have a talk.

ME: Why? Were you embarrassed or in trouble because you let me go and lost me?

Jack: No.

ME: Well I'm doing fine, just tell me what you have to say.

Jack: I can only tell you that I need your presence in a meeting and if you
won't come in I'll have no choice but to put you on the FBI top 10 most wanted
list.

ME: I feel like the guy who was tared and feathered and road out of town on a
fence rail.

Jack: How's that?

ME: When he was asked how he liked the ride he replied, "if not for the honor I
rather walk."

Jack: There is no honor if you get on that list, no one can hide for long once
they are put on the top 10 list... and many get shot by nervous city and county
cops.

ME: Your invitation is becoming more and more attractive.

Jack: I was hoping you would see it that way.

ME: Just tell me straight Jack, is this a trick? Don't forget you are the good
cop.

Jack: It's not a trick.

ME: Ok... Where do you want me to report?

Jack: How far are you from a major airport?

ME: I can be in Memphis in 2 hours.

Jack: I'll have your flight to D.C. Scheduled, call me when you get there.

ME: Ok.

[I can't imagine what the FBI wants with me but I'll find out soon enough.

I arrive at the Memphis airport, park in a run down business park and grab my
bag and start out on foot. Soon I come to a major road and notice taxies going
too and from the airport. I hail one and tell the driver to take me to the
airport. When I arrive, I take a deep breath and pull out my cell phone and call
Jack.

ME: Hey, I'm here, now what?

Jack: Go to concord B and agents will meet you at the security check, make sure
you don't have anything in your bag that will cause a problem. No weapons,
knives, liquids, nothing that might be a problem at the security check. Do not
talk to the agents. They will have your ticket. Just go with them.

ME: Ok.

[I know I don't have anything that would be a problem so I go directly to
concourse B and immediately spot two agents. I nod my head and acknowledge
recognition. An agent steps forward and hands me a boarding pass. They turn then
go through security ahead of me. I go through and catch up with them. Nothing is
said, I walk with them to gate 5 and see the flight to D.C. Is scheduled to
depart in about 45 minutes.

We board the airplane and fly to Dullas and take a private car to the Hoover
building. We park underground and enter past a security guard. They show their
credentials and tell him that I'm here for special assignment.

We take an elevator and I'm escorted past Jack's secretary to his office. When
we enter Jack says thank you to my escorts and they leave.]

ME: Long time no see.

Jack: How was your flight?

ME: Better than the last one.

Jack: I guess so.

ME: But it seems that every time I fly, when I land I find myself in a room
talking to you.

Jack: You don't fly much.

ME: You already know I don't have the credentials to fly.

Jack: Yes I do.

ME: So what bring me to your lovely city?

Jack: I thought you had earned a promotion.

ME: A promotion?

Jack: Yeah, would you like to become a fake agent?

ME: Why not a real one? I'm guessing the pay would be better.

Jack: We don't have time to send you to school.

ME: So you are just going to throw me into the deep end?

Jack: You might say that.

ME: Just the other day someone suggested that I should consider going into
acting. I have a feeling I have been invited to a "casting call."

Jack: You might say that.

ME: So break it down, what's my character? What's the plot? 

Jack: We'll have a meeting in a couple days with the real Mr. Big, Ben from the
Federal Reserve.

ME: Yeah? And where is the script? What are my lines?

Jack: It will be an improvisation.

ME: What's my character?

Jack: You get your old id back, the id you used to board the hijacked plane.

ME: Then I won't be required to do any acting, I can just be myself.

Jack: Not exactly, your character has been promoted to a rookie agent. We have
worked to build your records, you were an agent that happened to be on that
airplane.

ME: What was my mission on that plane, why was I onboard? Following a suspicious
lead right?

Jack: No, you just happened to be going to visit relatives in San Diego, on
personal leave, you were flying to L.A. You had a rental car on reserve and you
were going to spend a day in L.A. And drive down to San Diego and you had a
round trip ticket to be back in Atlanta 4 days later.

ME: You have created all those records? Why? I'm lost, what does Ben care about
my schedule and how would he know?

Jack: Oh he has access to everything, he can check you out.

ME: Won't he know my records were just created out of thin air?

Jack: Not in the short amount of time he will have to check you out.

ME: You know this sounds like you are throwing a hail Mary?

Jack: You might say that.

ME: What's going down in the meeting.

Jack: I'll do all the talking, you just agree.

ME: And my reward will be a new ankle bracelet?

Jack: I don't think so, we don't seem to have one that fits you, you lost the
last one.

ME: Yeah, it just fell off one day when I was jogging, I thought it rolled down
into a storm drain so I just kept running.

Jack: Ok, that's about it, we need to set you up in a hotel, get your
appropriate dress, your id, etc.

ME: Wait a sec.

If I'm going to follow along to your meeting and play the roll of a dummy, why
didn't you just use one of those guys who escorted me from Memphis? You wouldn't
have needed to find me, convince me to come in, pay for air fare for 3 guys to
fly here and create my fake background buy me clothes, put me up in a motel...
Yada yada yada.

Jack: We thought about that and were about to go ahead with the meeting and use
someone else when you didn't call after a few days.

ME: But?

Jack: But you turned up.

ME: But why do you want me at the meeting if I'm supposed to just sit there like
a retard?

Jack: I don't want to put you under so much pressure, but I can't stress enough
how important this meeting is to the agency. Should something come up where they
have questions about the details of the hijacking you were there and have the
best chance of verifying what they know. They could easily ask a fake question
about something that didn't happen and your double agent wouldn't know whether
or not to go along with it or say, no, it wasn't like that.

ME: So you were going to send a double agent yet I'm not really an agent at all.
What government are we working for?

[Jack makes no response.]

ME: I need to know everything about where you are claiming I came from, where I
went to school, when I got became an agent. Any other background questions I may
be asked. I think a real agent would have the advantage.

Jack: You have an edge because all that info can be memorized but the unknown
facts of the hijacking would have to be guessed correctly.

ME: Ok, Jack, or should I be calling you master or boss or head honcho or mother
superior or what? How do real fibbers address their superiors?

Jack: It's FBI, not fib!

ME: It's fib fer this mission.

Jack: I'm Agent Crawford.

ME: Which hand do we salute with?

Jack: We don't salute but if you were in the military you would always salute
with your right hand.

ME: Not necessarily.

Jack: Yes, always, always salute a superior in the military with your right
hand.

ME: Want to bet?

Jack: What's the bet? I know I'm right, I know military protocol and you
are wrong.

ME: I want one of those flashy things that Will Smith used in the Men in Black
movie.

Jack: Ok, I'll get you one if you are right.

ME: Look this up. If my right arm was incapacitated, perhaps wounded in battle,
I could salute with my left hand.

Jack: Oh God, you are right.

ME: I'll even give you one more example.

Jack: I don't think so.

ME: If you were my superior in the military and we met indoors, I wouldn't
salute with either hand.

Jack: How do you know all this?

ME: I'm just a frigging genius... Do you want an exception to that rule too? Do
you have 3 flashy things?

Jack: Yeah, I got a box full of them, the batteries have run down though.

ME: I figured that... Ok.... If we are indoors and I meet you for an assignment
a salute is optional.

Ok, that concludes our lesson on military protocol for today, time to go. But
doesn't the fib have any female escorts? Where is Jodie Foster?

Jack: Enough, the secretary will have your background info to study.

ME: Where do I get my id?

Jack: We'll take care of that too, just check with my secretary.

ME: Ok, do we meet again tomorrow? How do I get my fib duds?

Jack: Your escort will take care of all that , and stop saying fib, you'll get
into a habit that could cause a slipup in the meeting.

ME: My escort? Suddenly I'm lesser important and only get one escort now?

Jack: We'll call you, just memorize your background.

ME: Ok, I hope you got me a nice room.

[I leave and pick up my paperwork, it's like a small phone book, I'm like wtf? I
got two days to learn all this shit, no wonder these guys can't catch Ben Lauden
their heads are buried in manuals most of the time. I get my FBI identification
tag and take a ride to a very nice hotel. I ask my escort:]

ME: Where are my FBI duds and what am I to do about food?

Escort: Someone will come tomorrow for measurements, please stay in your room
and just order from the menu.

ME: Who do I call if I need something or have questions about my field manual?

Escort: That information is inside, first page, do not lose your manual or leave
it where someone can gain access to it.

ME: Sir, yes sir.

[I'm alone in the hotel, I order the most expensive steak and start to look over
the info in the manual. I'm tired and just not in the mood right now so I decide
to call Susan, I take out my cell phone and call.]

ME: Hello Susan.

Susan: Hello, were are you?

ME: I'm in a fancy hotel in Washington D.C.

Susan: You are full of shit.

ME: Do you kiss your mother with that dirty mouth?

Susan: You aren't in D.C. in a motel, you only left 6 hours ago.

ME: Can you get on your computer real quick?

Susan: Yes, it's on.

ME: Go to the FBI website.

Susan: It's loading.

ME: Is the star still there?

Susan: No, there is no star.

ME: Well there was.

Susan: Really?

ME: Yes, I could give you my hotel number but they will have a record of a call
that leads to you and that's a bad idea.

Susan: So you just turned yourself in because they posted the gold star?

ME: The short of it is yes, Jack threatened to put me on the top 10 most wanted
list if I didn't drive to Memphis and meet two agents who had a ticket for me to
fly back to D.C. with them.

Susan: And you thought it was a good idea?

ME: I thought I didn't have a choice.

Susan: Where is your van?

ME: I parked it a few miles from the airport in Memphis and took a taxie.

Susan: So what did they want with you?

ME: It's classified, you know FBI business and all, I'm an agent now, I can't
divulge any top secrets to an ordinary civilian.

Susan: Boy, you are dunk on power.

ME: You told me that women are attracted to powerful men, are you getting wet?

Susan: I might get wet, but it will be tears because they are going to use you
and probably put you in a dangerous situation.

ME: "Secret agent man, living a life of danger, they've given you a number and
taken away your name, secret agent man."

Susan: It's not funny this time. If you are for real. You are probably sitting
in your van in Jackson ms.

[knock knock.]

ME: Hang on, my steak dinner has arrived.

[I answer the door and let him in with my food.]

ME: [To the porter] Hey can you tell my girlfriend where I am?

ME: [To Susan.] Here is the guy who brought me my food, talk to him.

Porter: Hello.

Porter: J. W. Mariot Hotel, Washington D.C.

1331 Pennsylvania Avenue NY.

20004.

$179.

$39 per day.

I don't know who he is, even if I did know, I'm would not be allowed to give out
that information because we frequently have guests who are important
governmental officials.

Porter: [To me] She wants to talk to you.

ME: Hello, satisfied?

Susan: Yeah, you must be there, that guy knew the address, room rates, valet
parking rates, no homeless guy you found going through the dumpster behind
McDonalds could have possibly known those details. I was looking at the hotel's
website.

ME: Hang on, let me give him a tip and let him go.

[I tip him and he leaves.]

ME: I'm back. Mmmm this dinner looks great! Wish you were here! If I only had a
$50,000 hooker I would be set for the evening.

Susan: You can probably find some of Marion Barry's crack whores there for $5.

ME: You tried to pawn me off on another girl that night at the party, and
remember what I said?

Susan: Yes, clearly, the most beautiful thing I have ever heard in my life, I
will never forget. You said, "but I want you, you are my first choice."

ME: I see you were paying attention too.

Susan: Now I'm crying.

ME: Dry up, I'm an important but temporary FBI agent, staying in a $200 a night
hotel room, 300-thread count sheets, fluffy pillows and thick mattresses.

They gave me a manual to study and will be coming tomorrow to measure me for FBI
clothes.

Susan: What are you going to do for them?

ME: I told you it was a secret but I'll tell you anyway since I don't actually
know and they only gave me a fake id. I'm going to a meeting and just act like a
dummy, I'm told not to talk unless I'm directly questioned about events of the
hijacking. They gave me a manual to study.

Susan: So what is the manual for?

ME: Since I'm pretending to be an agent at the meeting I have to memorize my
fictitious background, were I am from, where I went to school, when I became an
agent, why I was going to California, how log was I staying, when was I
scheduled to come back. Stuff like that.

Susan: Why don't they just use a real agent?

ME: I asked them the same thing, they said because facts about the hijack may
come up that a real agent couldn't possibly know how to answer.

Susan: So you are going to be assisting in some kind sting operation?

ME: I suppose, I guess I'll let you know if I live to tell about it.

Susan: When is it going down?

ME: Going down? Now you are trying to talk like you think your are an agent. I
don't know exactly, I think its the day after tomorrow.

Susan: Well keep me informed.

ME: That will be a problem.

Susan: Why?

ME: My cell phone is almost out of minutes and I'm not supposed to leave the
room for any reason till it's time to go to the meeting.

Susan: I'll call your hotel.

ME: That would be stupid, we don't want your number connected to me.

Susan: I could get a cell phone from the dollar store.

ME: Just chill for a couple days. Ok, I got to go, it's beeping, I got 15
seconds left.

Susan: Buy, I love you.

ME: Love you... Click.

[I enjoy my dinner and rest.]

[Fall asleep and wake up next day, order breakfast and a pot of coffee and start
looking over my manual.

But something is bothering me, I realize I could have made a huge mistake
bringing my cell phone along, if I'm searched the phone would be found and my
call records would lead the FBI back to Susan. I'm out of minutes anyway so I
need to dump it. I decide to open the window and toss the phone into the street
so it will be run over and smashed to dust.

I settle down and read my fractious background, try to memorize some key points.
There really isn't that much about my background, most of the material is stuff
about FBI conduct and policy, stuff that a fake agent shouldn't be reading
anyway.

My breakfast arrives and I turn on the news while I eat. Nothing to do but chill
out and go over my fake background and think about any questions about the
hijacking that may come up in a meeting. I'm looking forward to someone showing
up and measuring me for clothes. Anything to break the monotony.

I read through the policies and protocols just incase I am questioned about
something that's not obvious. It seems stupid that an FBI manual would have a
chapter with a title "Keep Secrets Secret." I wonder, wasn't that mentioned in
the recruiting? First question I would ask a new recruit would be "can you keep
a secret?"

Knock at the door, I answer, its the fitter.]

ME: Come on in.

Fitter: How are you today?

ME: Fine, slept good. I'm ready to get my uniform.

Fitter: You won't get a uniform, you'll be dressed normal but nice.

ME: How many suits are you making?

Fitter: Well, I'm not making any, I'm just going shopping and get one suit and a
couple shirts and pants, shoes, ties and socks.

ME: I was called earlier and they said my project was going to be extended for
at least 10 days, I'll need more than one suit so I can be ready to go if my
only suit is at the cleaners.

Fitter: Ok.. I'll double the order.

ME: Thanks, do you know of anyone who can break in my new shoes too?

Fitter: Yeah, the same guy who is assigned to taste your food.

ME: You mean he is still alive?

Fitter: I'll check, I'll see you in a few hours.

ME: Give yourself a $20 tip.

Fitter: Yeah right.

[He leaves, I mull over the manual again, I've memorized the dozen or so facts
about my background, I notice there is nothing about my birth date and where I
was born. I suppose if that's not important to verify for the presidency of the
united states, it's not important for me to know either.

The day drags on, finally the fitter comes back with the best quality clothes
I've ever worn, I'm thinking "eat your heart out, Jason Bourne." I thank him and
he is on his way.

Night comes, I order another fine dinner, and eat. I need to get some exercise.
I wonder what kind of workout facilities are available... Maybe a sauna or
whirlpool. I know I'm supposed to stay in my room but screw it, I'm bored and
I'm not going outside. I call down to the desk and ask.]

ME: Is there sauna, whirlpool and workout room here?

Operator: Yes, we have them all.

ME: Do you know where I can get a swim suit?

Operator: There are some in the gift shop.

ME: Ok, thanks.

[ I charge a swimsuit to my room then go relax in the whirlpool.

A couple older ladies join me, I would guess they are in their early thirties.
They act friendly. I'm suspicious. I wonder if they are high class hookers? I
think I'll have some fun with this. I play it cool, lay back and let them have
to work. Sure enough one asks me:]

1st lady: What brings you to town?

ME: I sell paper and office supplies.

2nd lady: How interesting.

[I'm cracking up inside, it's just like the commercial, except I don't have
diarrhea.]

ME: Yeah, it's interesting, pays good but I get lonely being on the road all the
time.

1st lady: I bet it does. How long are you going to be here?

ME: This is my last night, what do you ladies do?

2nd lady: We are entertainers.

ME: Oh really, I noticed you have the bodies of dancers.

ladies: [Giggle.]

[They are playing their parts perfectly.]

1st lady: You like dancing?

ME: Yeah but I rather watch.

2nd lady: Maybe we could dance for you?

ME: Can I charge it to my room?

1st lady: Our accounting system isn't set up for that method of payment yet.

ME: Perhaps next time I'm in town.

[They aren't amused but they hang out a while waiting on another potential
customer.

Next day, just waiting, ready to get dressed and go to the meeting with the Fed
phone rings]

Voice: We'll be picking you up in a half hour.

ME: Ok, I'll be ready.

[ I get dressed and go down and the car arrives and I go out and get in. Jack is
in the car.

Jack: Ready? Are you prepared?

ME: I hope, but you making me nervous.

Jack: Yawn, just another day at the office.

ME: Yeah, for you but for me it's show time.

Jack: You'll do fine, you probably won't have to say anything.

ME: That will be fine with me, by the way, when am I getting paid for this?

Jack: We'll settle up later but your hotel bill and clothes and your fight here have
you over $2,000 in debt already.

ME: You forgot to add the bracelet that I lost.

Jack: The accountant will add that also.

ME: Who are we going to meet? What is our objective?

Jack: Ben is a guy we like to call the Wizard of Oz.

ME: Oh, the man behind the curtain.

Jack: Yep.

ME: THE wiz or one of many?

Jack: One of the big ones.

ME: Like a #2?

Jack: Maybe.

ME: This should be interesting a bunch of #2's getting together why do I have a
feeling this meeting could stink?

Jack: I'll explain in a few minutes.

[We arrive at an office complex, get out of the car and as we walk Jack starts
to explain.]

Jack: The objective is to simple get him to tip his hand and acknowledge has
some kind of knowledge of a secret scheme connected with the hijacking.

ME: Ok, I'll follow your lead.

Jack: Stay calm and don't talk unless I give you the nod.

ME: You must be paying me by the word?

Jack: Just the opposite.

ME: Ok, I'm zipped.

[We enter and go up a flight of stairs to the second floor and have a seat in a
meeting room.]

ME: Why are we waiting on him, shouldn't we be keeping him waiting on us?

Jack: That would be ideal but we are fortunate just to get this meeting.

[A man enters by himself and takes a seat]

Ben: Hello Jack.

Jack: Hello.

Ben: What's on the table today?

Jack: We needed to have this face to face for security reasons, it's not a good
idea to discuss some issues on the pone.

Ben: I'm listening.

Jack: First, this is our agent, he happened to be on the hijacked plane. He was
on personal leave, he noticed the hijackers had parachutes, they were never
found, they were panning on jumping out of the plane, it was not a suicide
mission, the plane would have landed safely. We have two methods of verification
the hijackers weren't Arabic.

Ben: So who were they?

Jack: We don't know and it's not important.

Ben: What is important.

Jack: They were headed for the Ft. Knox area with the intent of creating a
diversion.

Ben: ...so that someone could rob the vault at Ft. Knox? That's pretty far
fetched.

Jack: Not exactly, there were several tons of gold relocated from multiple
vaults to Ft. Knox months ago, some of it is not in the vault.

Ben: How do you know that? You don't have any way to audit the gold, our records
show it's accounted for.

Jack: We know that about 400 tons of gold are in trucks, parked on base, outside
the vaults.

[I'm no trained interrogator but even I can tell that Ben is changing colors and
showing signs of stress, I could smell the fear.]

Ben: How did you come to that conclusion?

Jack: We have a driver in custody who parked trucks the gold was loaded onto, he
has many years of experience and he assures us that the trucks he moved from the
vaults and parked there were loaded, even a driver trainee knows when a truck is
empty or loaded. We also have aerial photographs that experts have concluded
indicate the parked trucks are loaded, based on the suspension and tire data.

[I'm thinking, damn, he is reciting everything exactly as I have taught him.]

Ben: If this is true, why do you think the hijacking was staged and the gold is
on trucks and not in the vaults?

Jack: We also know that at least 30 civilian trucks were dispatched for loads to
be picked up from the surrounding area that were scheduled for delivery to a
warehouse at the Atlanta airport. All those loads were canceled, the warehouse,
is used mainly for shipments to Asia.

[Ben is starting to crack, he is noticeably nervous and starting to squirm.]

Ben: What do we have to do with any of this?

Jack: That's why we are having this meeting, I have to file a report.

Ben: File your report then, it will be classified.

Jack: I don't want to, not yet.

Ben: Why?

Jack: It's no secret that the Chinese are losing faith in our dollar and if they
don't get some collateral soon they will dump out debt notes for whatever price
they can get and the international markets will lose confidence in the US
dollar, putting our economy and the economy of our allies in serious jeopardy.
We believe your department was attempting to prevent this.

[Ben leans back and tries to pretend to be cool and looks at me and asks what do
you think?]

ME: I agree with what he said.

Ben: [To me] What's a junior agent like you doing at a meeting like this?

ME: Training sir.

Ben: What kind of training?

ME: FBI training sir.

[He didn't get it, I was feeding him the Bill Murray dialogue from the movie
Stripes.]

Ben: Seems you are starting your training at the top.

ME: I've heard that there is always more room at the top, and that appears to be
true.

Ben: Oh yeah?

ME: Well, there are only 3 of us in this room but if I go outside I would be
clamoring with millions for a higher position.

[Jack gives me a "cool it" look.]

Jack: I think you have a serious problem, it's your gold, at least it's your
responsibility you need to keep this transactions on the down low, out of the
press and world wide spotlight.

Ben:: Supposing, hypothetically you are right, what would you do?

Jack: Drive the trucks out and make a delivery before the Chinese panic and
before a military mechanic takes one of the trucks for a scheduled lube job and
discovers there are loaded with 400 tons of gold bars.

Ben: But you said they were behind the fence, guarded by the military.

Jack: That seems to be a minor problem, just drive them out.

Ben: As you know, the military is responsible for the security of the gold on
deposit, furthermore, the people in charge of monitoring the gold reserves at Ft
Knox come from several departments, as well as civil service. That could, in
theory, be a huge problem should anything need to be done in secrecy.

Jack: Why was the gold delivered inside the gates in the first place, why not
remove it during transport?

Ben: It had to be checked in at Ft. Knox or it would have been reported missing.

ME: Bingo!

[ Ben and Jack] What?

ME: He just admitted to having knowledge of the plot.

Jack: Yes he did.

Ben: Ok, ok, you understand this delicacy of this situation, we are in a bind,
imagine the dollar becoming worth less than 50 cents, just over night. We would
all be paying double price for oil and everything else we import. The military
has become so dependent on foreign suppliers for parts that we couldn't maintain
even 2/3 of our current levels.

ME: Sounds like communist China has us by the balls.

Ben: You could put it that way.

Ben: [Says to me.] So I'm to believe you were on the plane and have figured all
this out?

ME: Jack and my partner pointed me in the right direction several times, but I
was on the airplane and I saw the parachutes and realized it was a diversion and
not a suicide plot.

Ben: You aren't actually an FBI agent are you?

[Jack looks at me like I had better be careful.]

ME: Ok, since we are laying it all on the table, no I'm not, I'm just a
civilian, a kid, a college drop out and a Jason Bourne wanna-be. But none of
that is important here and now. We need to make the delivery and we are running
behind schedule.

Ben: We have our best people working on it.

ME: The same ones that came up with that lame hijacking plot?

Ben: It should have caused enough confusion to got the trucks out.

ME: I doubt it, but we'll never know.

Ben: Is this meeting over?

Jack: Unless someone has some ideas.

ME: Hang on, let's put our heads together and kick around some ideas.

Ben: What kind of ideas?

ME: You just need a diversion to get the trucks out and unload the gold into
boxes and put some car parts or tomatoes on top and have the private sector
deliver it to the warehouse in Atlanta.

Ben: That's pretty much it, in a nutshell, but you probably haven't realized
that nothing ever happens in an isolated location like Ft. Knox, it's almost
impossible to create a diversion.

ME: Well, it was the sight of a major dog and pony show during the Nixon
administration.

Ben: I wasn't aware of that.

Jack: Me either, what happened.

ME: That was the last time there was an independent audit of the national gold
reserve.

Jack: The gold reserves were independently audited in 2005 and again in 2006.

ME: No it wasn't, I read the reports where the independent accounting firm said:

"We did not audit the united states' gold and silver reserves. These reserves
were audited by the united states department of the treasury, office of
inspector general."

In 2006 the KMPG attempted an audit again but according to the Federal Reserve,
the audit did not include a direct count at the Westpoint reserve, which claims
to be storing 20% of the reserves.

Now we have several congress men pressing for a full independent audit.

Jack: Yeah, and with 5% of the gold reserves in trucks parked outside the Ft. Knox
what would they find?

ME: First we need to get the trucks out.

Jack: Not easy, even though the "lines" between the various branches of the
government are supposed to have been erased after 9/11, we can't just go in and
take the military trucks.

ME: No, but the Secret Service can and I know that you worked with the them
because it was the Secret Service who took the hijackers into custody and caused
the parachutes to disappear.

You can use the secret service again.

Jack: What do you mean?

Ben: Yeah what?

ME: Ok, suppose there is an independent audit ordered by congress, the same dog
and pony show during the Nixon administration will repeat itself, congressmen
getting photographed in front of the gold, men in white lab coats, pencils and
clipboards in hand counting the bars, you know... The full media hype.

Ben: The security gates still won't be wide open.

ME: With all that attention, the president couldn't resist and he would show up.
And then the Secret Service could requisition trucks to be used as emergency
barriers to set up security road blocks.

Ben: Interesting, but that would just create a big problem when the audit found
1,000 tons of gold missing.

Me and Jack: 1,000 tons?

ME: There are only 403 tons on those trucks, that's what the Chinese want.

[Ben looks down]

ME: So you have let it slip that 600 additional tons are also missing.

Jack: 600 tons of gold have vanished and that's why there has been no real
independent audit in decades?

ME: Yes, Jack, 600 tons went to Europe during the Johnston administration.

Jack: How do you know this?

ME: It's common knowledge.

Ben: Jack, the boy is sharp.

Jack: Yes he is, but it's a huge problem if 12% the national gold reserve is
missing when the independent audit concludes.

ME: Do you think we can get the trucks out to use as block roads during a
surprise visit by the president?

Jack: If there appears to be enough urgency the guards at the gates would be
pressed for time and might not make a through check.

Ben: Yeah, if it's a last minute urgent call by the Secret Service to
immediately secure the president, the plan has a pretty good chance of success.

ME: Good, let's do it.

Jack: Wait, how is congress going to be persuaded to order the audit?

ME: When they tried to order an audit they had over half the votes they need.
You guys need to find ways to encourage a few more senators to support his
efforts.

Jack: You have no idea how difficult it is to get a senator to vote on anything.

ME: How did you get them to vote on the trillion dollar bank loan?

Ben: They knew it was critical.

ME: This is just as critical and it doesn't even involve spending, tax payer
dollars, this should be a lot easier than that bailout vote was.

You don't need to explain about the gold to China, you just need to assure them
the audit will be ok.

The Fed reserve guys needs to be more pompous and arrogant than ever, rile up
their already inflated egos make them show you that they are boss. Act and talk
as if the Fed has more power and authority than congress, while Jack is
whispering "don't let them push you around" leaks tips to the media that
congress is week and can't stand up to the Fed.

Ben: That would probably work but may take too long.

ME: Just turn up the heat, congress knows the media attention span is short and
don't want to be the center of attention in a controversial way.

Ben: But the independent audit will be very bad news with 1,000 tons of gold missing.

ME: Gentlemen, what am I to do with you? I'm going to have to take away your gray
crayons. Your fear is self defeating.

Ben: But it's a huge problem.

ME: It wasn't for the past 40 years they just did some kind of fuzzy math when
doing the counting, knowing they would be dead and gone, if and when it was ever
discovered that gold was missing.

Ben: What did they do?

Jack: Yeah, what? This should be interesting.

ME: I don't have a clue.

Ben: But you just said do not fear.

ME: Ok ok, here is what you do... Say a dozen auditors (and even the Count from
Sesame Street) show up with pencils and pads, load half of them into one van and
half into another and explain to them that the exact location of the gold
reserves is of such vital national security interest that they can't be allow
know the exact locations of the gold in the vaults. Don't let them see where
they are going. Take half the inspectors to Westpoint and let them count, take
the other half to the vaults under the stock exchange and let them count. Put
them back in the vans and tell them they will go to another location, shut some
doors in the vaults so the same quantities won't be reported, and take the first
group to the city and the second group to Westpoint, they will have different
counts, but when they total the numbers, they'll find enough gold to meed
expectations.

Ben: What do you think Jack? Will work?

Jack: Do we have a choice?

Ben: Piss off China, let the dollar fall, explain to the military how we forgot
to put gold in the vault in Ft. Knox and left it in the trucks.

ME: Well gentlemen, that's my time, I've got places to go and things to do.

Jack: Ok, we got to go work out the details on how to make this plan work.

Ben: Later Jack, keep the boy out of trouble, I think he just figured out how to
rob Ft. Knox and get away with it.

Jack: I'll try, see you later.

[We get into the car and head back to the hotel.]

Jack: That was impressive, how long have you had this plan?

ME: I had some ideas about using an audit as the diversion but the rest of it I
came up with on the spot.

Jack: Well it was quite an elaborate plan.

ME: Yes, I should have just recommended that we annex China as the 51st state.

Jack: What's the point in doing that?

ME: It's a win-win situation.

Jack: How?

ME: They would be able to put "Made in USA" labels on their goods.

Jack: And how would we benefit?

ME: Their children can pay off the trillion dollar debt we owe to them.

Jack: I'll recommend that idea to the president.

ME: I'm sure you will.

Jack: What do we owe you for your services?

ME: I would be thrill to visit the governor of Alabama and get my pardon.

Jack: I think you have deserved it, no matter how this all turns out. We will
work to arrange it.

ME: It's amazing to me that being in the government is so much like being on the
internet.

Jack: What do you mean?

ME: I lean up and say to the drive, turn up the radio.

[Brad paisley is singing, I'm so much cooler online.

I get out at the hotel and say to Jack.]

ME: Goodbye.

Jack: Someone will come by in the morning and escort you to the airport and give
you a ticket back to Memphis. Call me in a few days and I'll tell you when you
are setup to meet the governor of Alabama.

ME: Thank you, bye.

[I arrive at the Memphis airport and take a taxie to my van and head back to
Huntsville.

I arrive at Susan's apartments around midnight and bang on her door.

She cautiously answers it.]

Susan: Who is it?

ME: It's me, let me in, I didn't want to use my key and frighten you.

Susan: What happened?

ME: I saved the world economy and I'm getting a pardon next week.

Susan: Not bad for a days work.

ME: No, not bad at all.

Susan: I can't wait to hear all about it.

ME: It's been a long day. I'll tell you all about it tomorrow.

[We go to bed and Susan snuggles with me and says.]

Susan: I'm so proud of you. I don't know exactly what you did and I doubt you'll
ever get any credit for your contribution but I'm laying in bed here with the
man who has saved our economy from a terrible crisis.

ME: It's only a temporary thing. It just delayed the inevitable.

Susan: Why do you say that?

ME: A few months ago a trillion dollar bank bail out had to be done, today
another encomic collapse may have been avoided. But the government can't
continue to run around putting out fires. Anyway, a few months ago the fed
printed a TRILLION dollars of worthless paper money. 

Susan: What do you think the future holds then?

ME: A new world economic system is probably going to emerge and our government,
like all other governments, are doing everything they can to maintain the
highest value possible for their currency - so that when the time comes to buy
into the new economic system we can buy the largest share possible.

Susan: So the more the value of the dollar falls, the smaller the economic
postilion we will have in this new world order.

ME: Exactly, did I ever tell you how much this kind of talk turns me on?

Susan: Sigh, even though my prince goes out and saves the world by day, when he
comes home at night he's still just a horny toad.

ME: I'll bet if you kiss me when you wake up there will be a handsome prince in
your bed.


[Break]


[I'm sitting on the couch in Susan's apartment, watching the new Susan comes
from the kitchen.]

Susan: How does it feel to be a free man?

ME: It feels great! It will take some time to get used to it. I'm still in the
habit of looking over my shoulder when I go out in public.

Susan: What are you going to do now?

ME: I need to go to California.

Susan: When are you going to do that?

ME: Not sure, I would like to get my face restored first.

Susan: Well that won't be as easy, they'll have to do skin grafts, it will be an
expensive operation.

ME: Yeah, that's what Dr. Bill Frankenstein said too.

Susan: Frankenstein?

ME: Yeah, haha, I forgot to tell you that's his nickname, they put it on the
door to his dorm room at the geek house.

Susan: I suppose they think its funny.

ME: Yes, college kids usually enjoy irreverent humor.

Susan: So you are going to get the surgery anytime soon?

ME: I don't know, I may wait a year. When Bill gets his practice I'm cashing in
my insurance policy and getting it done for free.

Susan: You had better go to a real doctor and pay for it to be done by someone
who is qualified.

ME: I guess. What do you think that kind of surgery would cost?

Susan: Probably about $50,000.

ME: Is that all?

Susan: That's a lot.

ME: Humm, decisions, decisions, decisions.

Susan: Your brother gave you money, you can afford it.

ME: Yeah I know, thats not the dilemma.

Susan: What is the dilemma then?

ME: Remember you said that for $50,000 I could have my way with you all night
long. I can't decide if I want the surgery or the night of passion and pleasure
with you.

Susan: Oh, shutup.

ME: Have you heard about congress voting for the flat sales tax?

Susan: Yeah, they were talking about that at the office. It's caught everyone by
surprise.

ME: Oh, they also voted to have the gold reserves independently audited.

Susan: Does that surprise you?

ME: Not at all. There will be a great diversion at Ft. Knox.

Susan: Why?

ME: Haven't you hears?

Susan: Heard what?

ME: The rumors going around on the internet.

Susan: What rumors?

ME: The government is denying it but people think that for the first time ever,
when the senators gather at Ft. Knox for the photo shoot, the vaults will be
open for the public to get a view of the gold bullion.

Susan: Interesting.

ME: Well you know how internet rumors circulate and how many people are easily
fall for these urban myths.

Susan: Yes, I've seen so many of them in my email.

ME: This is one of the biggest ones ever, people are headed to Ft. Knox like
it's Woodstock and 1969.

Susan: Really?

ME: Well kinda, it's snowballing... and add to that, the media will be there in
full force, much greater than originally expected because they want to interview
the senators about the flat sales tax vote.

Susan: Sounds like Ft. Knox is about to be come the center of the universe.

ME: It's definitely drawing attention but the white house spokesman is firm in
his assurance that the president will not attend.

Susan: What will he be doing instead?

ME: He is going to another labor union rally and make his speech on saving the
economy by having everyone caulk their windows.

Susan: I've heard you mention that before, why do you think it's so funny?

ME: Let me tell you a story....

Susan: By all means do.

ME: Ok, there once was a farmer who bough an old broken down mule for $10 he
took the mule home and fed him for a week and the mule started to put on some
weight and started looking a little better. The farmer's neighbor saw the mule
was looking better and though he could use him so he offered his neighbor $20
for the mule.. and the farmer who had bought the mule agreed and sold him the
mule. A few more weeks went by and the farmer who had the mule had fattened him
up some more, washed him down and brushed his hair. The first farmer saw how
good the mule was looking and decided he wanted the mule back. He offered his
neighbor $40 for the mule and the neighbor decided to sell the mule back.

This went on for about a year, each farmer improving the mule and selling him
back and forth. Then one day a farmer noticed the mule was missing. What
happened to the mule he asked?

The farmer said, you won't believe this but a man stopped by and offered me $100
for the mule so I sold him. The other farmer replied, why did you go do that? We
were making a good living buying and selling that mule to each other.

Susan: Haha, he didn't understand how economics really works.

ME: And neither does the president. We can't create wealth by just caulking our
windows and selling insurance policies to each other. We have to get back to
manufacturing and selling our goods and services to the world.

Susan: I guess you are right.

ME: The services we provide for each other are very important but the services
we provide for the world is what our parents and grandparents did to raised our
standard of living. They didn't raise the water level by dipping water out of
the deep end and pouring it back in the shallow end like the government is trying
to do with these tax and spend programs.

Susan: And now the world is serving us, making half our cars, nearly all of our
appliances and electronics.

ME: Exactly.

[We turn to the news and the segment is on where they are talking about
professor Beck's book Flip the IRS.]

Susan: Hey that's the professor from UAB I've heard of his book.

ME: Yep, I audited his course.

Susan: You did?

ME: Yep, and his entire book is based on ideas I brought up in class and those
he found on my website.

Susan: You never cease to amaze me, but I find that difficult to believe.

ME: Well go to my website, fixthegovernment.com and look for yourself.

Susan: I'll do that, but his ideas, I mean your ideas, if they are yours, to use
the leftover IRS workforce to audit and approve federal spending is an excellent
idea.

ME: The idea may be good but congress will never never never allow it. It would
seriously diminish their power as well disappoint their business partners.
Bush's "no child left behind" program put billions and billions of dollars in
profit into the pockets of profiteers.

http://www.projectcensored.org/top-stories/articles/12-bush-profiteers-collect-billions-from-no-child-left-behind/

Susan: Well, professor Beck has a following and they are encouraging people to
vote for congressmen who will vote to have the IRS regulate federal spendings.

ME: I hope he is successful, I wish him good luck.

Susan: You do realize you have a law suit against him for taking your ideas?

ME: Are you going to be my lawyer?

Susan: Maybe.

ME: Sounds good, shall I exercise my "client lawyer" privileges now?

Susan: I'm serious, quit joking around. You have a legitimate suit.

ME: I don't really care, I hope he can succeed.

Susan: But he is getting wealthy from your ideas.

ME: I know, I guess I just don't care. You know the FBI offered to pay me for my
services and I only asked for them to arrange my pardon.

Susan: So you plan to rob a bank when need money?

ME: No, that's a petty crime as far as I'm concerned.

Susan: How can you say that?

ME: Because a half trillion dollars in untraceable, gold bullion will going to
be coming down I65 in a few days, passing through Birmingham, on the way to the
Atlanta airport.

Susan: Oh God, you aren't thinking about hijacking that gold are you?

ME: NO, but I think someone will.

Susan: Why?

ME: Because, like I told Jack, there were too many trucks waiting for loads.
Remember I talked to him about the shell game?

Susan: Yes, but I only heard your side of the conversation.

ME: I told him that the people who set up the operation probably didn't trust
each other and had ordered a lot more trucks than were needed. It appeared to me
to be like a shell game so the parties involved would find it difficult to know
exactly which trucks were actually carrying gold.

Susan: So? I'm missing something here. What exactly are you thinking?

ME: I'm thinking that some of these big men behind this scheme will realize they
have an excellent opportunity to salt the gold hoping the Chinese will just
stash it away and not verify each individual bar.

Susan: What do you mean by "salt?"

ME: It's when you dilute the purity of gold, take a bar and mix it with some
lesser valuable metal and then you have two bars instead of one. You have twice
the volume but the same value.

Susan: That would require a lot of gold for someone to make 50% diluted bars of
gold to replace two pure bars.

ME: You are right, but there is another way to salt the gold supplies that
doesn't require much gold at all.

Susan: What is that?

ME: You simply take a bar of led or titanium and dip it in liquid gold and give
it a gold coating, then it's worth only about 1 or 2% of the value of a pure
gold bar.

Susan: Surely the Chinese would detect that.

ME: Depends on which samples they checked, if you only replaced 1 bar on each
pallet it would probably go undetected. If you had 5 ton of gold on each pallet,
you would still have 80 pallets and may easily get away with replacing 1 bar on
each pallet.

Susan: How long have you been thinking about this?

ME: Ever since I found out that you charge $50,000 a night. I realized that I
need to raise some serious funds.

Susan: Don't you ever give it a rest?

ME: You better stay on your toes... I'm out to get you.

Susan: You "get me" enough, now tell me more about your big plans to rob the
Chinese gold.

ME: I don't have any plans to rob their gold.

Susan: But you have plans to do something... what is it?

ME: I thought you were a lawyer and knew better than to get involved with
anything that could get you charged as an.. what do they call it?..accessory to
the facts?

Susan: We have lawyer client priveleges remember?

ME: That only extends to crimes already committed doesn't it?

Susan: Ummm ummm.

ME: Ummm ummm, that sounds like an "I got you" tune to me.

Susan: Yes you do... but I'm dying to hear your evil plot.

ME: Who says it's evil?

Susan: If you rip off 80 bars of pure gold and replace them with lead, I would
say that's an evil plot.

ME: Who said I would rip off any gold?

Susan: Why are we talking about this then?

ME: Cause you are intrigued.

Susan: Yes I am... so what's the scheme.

ME: I don't have a scheme. Even if I bought a pile of old dead car batteries and
use the lead to made fake gold bricks, how do you think I could locate and buy
enough gold to coat them? And I would only have a few weeks at most... and such
a process would be way way beyond my scope of expertise. As you have pointed out
over and over, my only talent is bullshitting.

Susan: You've got something up... I just know you too well.

[I smile.]

ME: Not yet, but I'm wondering how they are could rip off the Chinese and get a
taste of that gold. I know those guys and they are just too greedy to miss this
opportunity.

Susan: They probably wanted to do something like that. That's why the FBI was
left out of the loop, but now the FBI is in on it and they will be closely
tracking the gold from the time it leaves Ft. Knox, till the plane lands
in China.

ME: I'm sure they will... and everyone involved with this also knows that.

Susan: Maybe the FBI has their own plan for replacing a few bars of solid gold
with lead?

ME: I don't think so. The FBI came in on this after the first attempt.

Susan: Maybe the gold was already swapped in route to Ft. Knox?

ME: That's definitely a possibility.... but on second thought I doubt it.

Susan: Why?

ME: Because it was under military guard from vault to vault. I just don't see
how that level of security could be breached.

Susan: Ok, enough, come on to bed big boy.

ME: Yes mam!

[A few days pass and I keep wondering how fake and real gold bars could be
swapped and who could have the knowledge to make a perfect replicas of the real
gold bars. While it's an interesting theory it's pretty far fetched....and what
if there was never any intent to deliver the whole gold shipment to China in the
first place? Maybe it's all going to disappear.

...but they got to deliver something, real or fake or the Chinese will start
demanding the gold that was promised in the agreement... or was there any
agreement at all? My head hurts!

Susan comes home from work.]

Susan: Hey Mr. B.

ME: Hello sweetheart, how was your day?

Susan: Slow and boring, what about yours?

ME: I've been going crazy, just drinking coffee all day, my head spinning.

Susan: You just won't let it go huh?

ME: I'm wondering if there was really any deal with the Chinese in the first place.

Susan: You think they set up the whole plot to rip off all that gold?

ME: I guess they could have. I have no way to verify anything.

Susan: So you think they played you because you were a potential leak?

ME: I just don't know what to think anymore, but something smells fishy.

Susan: What are you thinking about doing?

ME: Consider this....

Susan: Oh no, here we go again...

ME: If they are delivering the gold to China, and if they want to swap some
salted bars with real ones, where can they do it?

Susan: As you have pointed out it won't be so easy now that the FBI is involved.
They will monitor the gold from the trucks to the warehouse to the airplane then
monitor the airplane all the way to China via satellite and maybe even other
tracking methods.

ME: Exactly, so where is the weak point?

Susan: I guess on the civilian trucks.

ME: No, my father was a commercial driver for one year. He told me that trucks
that carry high value loads have a panic button.

Susan: A panic button?

ME: Yeah, there are divisions in trucking companies like FedEx that are called
White Glove, those trucks have a panic button that the driver can use to
instantly call local and federal law enforcement when activated. Should they
lose custody of their freight or feel they are facing a serious threat, they can
activate the panic button and get immediate backup. It's designed to prevent
theft and protect hasmat materials from theorist getting their hands on nasty
materials.

Susan: Sounds like they would have to have the drivers assist in the plot.

ME: They would have to access every truck in route in order to distribute the
salted gold evenly on every pallet. That's almost impossible.

Susan: So where is the weak point? The warehouse?

ME: No, it will be monitored carefully when they take the gold there.

Susan: Where then?

ME: Only when the plane is airborne.

Susan: How is the fake gold going to rendezvous with an airborne airplane?

ME: It doesn't have to.

Susan: Explain.

ME: If there is fake gold, it will be loaded onto the airplane with the real
gold, like any ordinary shipment, headed for the same destination.

Susan: Ok, so in flight they will have 20 hours to dig deep into all the
containers of gold and swap a bar in each container with the fake gold.

ME: Exactly, then simply leave the container with all the pure gold on the
airplane to come back. It's basically the same trick that you realized they used
to swap the gold at Ft. Knox.

Susan: Sounds feasible... but what are you going to do? Try to grab the gold
when the plane comes back and lands?

ME: Sounds easy enough - if I had a small army, which I don't, but even if I
did, it would be impossible to guess where the plane takes the real gold after
unloading the 403 tons in China. They may fly to any place in the world. I doubt
they will return to Atlanta.

Susan: So that's that.

ME: Yep, but you know what?

Susan: What?

ME: Wouldn't you like to get into that warehouse at the Atlanta airport and look
around and just see if the fake gold is already there, ready to go on the
airplane?

Susan: Why would it be there?

ME: Because the plot to transport the real gold was set up over a month ago it
had to be there then.

Susan: I suppose, but don't you think it would have been shipped somewhere
already?

ME: It's not unusual for a warehouse to hold shipments for several months.

Susan: I guess if there is fake gold somewhere, waiting to be swapped with real
gold, it would be sitting at the warehouse. But they have security, they won't
just let you go wandering around to look for a suspicious package in a secure
location.

ME: I think they will.

Susan: I don't think so.

ME: Why?

Susan: Because for you to even try that you would have to have some brass balls
and I happen to know for a fact that you don't.

ME: Well they may not be brass but they do enjoy it when you hum Dixie and hit
those high notes.

Susan: Shutup.

ME: I'm going to call Jack and call in a favor.

Susan: You still think you are Jason Bourne?

ME: You still think you are Franka Potente? haha.

Susan: Well do whatever you want but leave me out of it.

ME: Why? don't you want to be Bonnie?

Susan: Bonnie?

ME: Yeah, I'm Clyde and you can be Bonnie.

Susan: They got shot remember?

ME: But they got to live the good life for a while.

Susan: Maybe, but as for my life, I think I would rather have quantity over
quality.

ME: How sweet, you just admitted you want to grow old with me.

Susan: Maybe I did.

ME: Ok, I'm going to call Jack.

Susan: You do that, hatch up another wild scheme.

ME: Ok, but I'm going to take a ride and use the bat phone, see you after while.

Susan: Bring back something to eat.

ME: Ok.

[ I leave and drive about 30 minutes and call Jack.]

ME: Hello Jack, thanks for the good word, I got my pardon.

Jack: Good.

ME: I'm calling to ask another favor.

Jack: What kind of favor?

ME: I need a respectable job.

Jack: I'll let you know if we have any openings.

ME: I said RESPECTABLE..I don't want to be an FBI agent, the pay scale is too
low.

Jack: Why are you calling me then?

ME: I want to work for OSHA. You know, inspecting construction sites etc.

Jack: For real?

ME: Yes, can you pull some strings and get me hired?

Jack: If I do, you must behave.

ME: Absolutely, what could I get into if I'm in the field, inspecting ditches
and checking steel toed boots?

Jack: Ok, suppose I can get put in a good word, when would you be available to
go to work?

ME: Let me check my schedule, yeah, looks like TOMORROW is open.

Jack: Ok, I'll call.

ME: Thanks.

[ I pick up some foot and go back to the apartment and give Susan the news.]

ME: Hey, guess what.

Susan: What?

ME: Jack is getting me a job interview.

Susan: Doing what?

ME: If I'm hired, I'll be an OSHA inspector.

Susan: And just how are you going to convince them to send you to inspect that
warehouse in Atlanta?

ME: Haha, I'll figure something out.

Susan: I bet you will.

[A couple days go by, I'm beginning to think Jack is letting me down, but
finally he calls.]

ME: Hello Jack, I was starting to lose faith in you.

Jack: I do have other responsibilities that babysitting you.

ME: Not when you needed me, I was a top priority, I almost made your employee of
the month list.

Jack: Ok, here is the number, you have an interview and enough quality
references to get hired if you just behave professionally and don't fuck up your
interview.

ME: Hey, you are talking to the man who cracked Mr. Big Ben, don't forget that.

Jack: Yep, you did it all by yourself.

ME: We made a good team Jack, let me know if you have a need for a partner
again.

Jack: Here is the number, you'll have to come to D.C. and apply and go through
training.

ME: Thanks Jack, and thanks again for that pardon you arranged.

Jack: Welcome, now I'm going to change my phone number so I never hear from you
again.

ME: Haha, I still know how to call your secretary.

Jack: Please don't.

ME: Ok, thanks again, bye.

[oh boy, I caught a break, I can't wait to tell Susan when she gets home.]

ME: Welcome home sweetheart, guess what?

Susan: You got a job?

ME: Yes, I still have to go through an interview and then training but I've got
my foot in the door to become a government inspector.

Susan: All that will take some time, the gold will be in China before you
graduate and get an assignment.

ME: Don't underestimate me, I'm a fast learner.

Susan: Where do you have to go for the interview?

ME: Washington D.C. do you want to come along with me?

Susan: I've got to work.

ME: I think you need a vacation, don't you have any sick leave yet?

Susan: I suppose I could take a couple days off, but I can't stay with you.

ME: I know.

Susan: Does this mean you are leaving? If you really take a job as an inspector
you won't be coming back here.

ME: I'll be back, don't you fret.

Susan: Ok, when do we leave?

ME: Tomorrow, we'll drive to Birmingham and take a flight, would you like to
stay in a nice Hotel? I've got a good idea where we can find one.

Susan: Of course, I'm a princess, I can only have the best.

ME: We're going Dutch right?

Susan: Hell fuzzy NO, you are the man, you invited me, you have to take care of
me.

ME: I will, no worries.

[We fly to D.C. and check into the Marriott hotel and order an expensive dinner,
life is wonderful, I wonder why I'm even considering getting mixed up in this
mess. I turn to Susan.]

ME: I was just wondering why I'm getting mixed up in this mess.

Susan: Why are you?

ME: I'm not sure.

Susan: Well we can just go home, you can find work.

ME: I don't know, anyway, I guess it's like Confucius says.

Susan: What does Confucius say?

ME: He sez: "May you live in interesting times"

Susan: He also said: Man with hole in pocket feels cocky all day.

ME: Hahaha... good one.

[Susan laughs.]

[I get up the next day and put on my sharp FBI duds and go to the interview.]

OSHA man: Come on in Mr. B. I was expecting you.

ME: Thank you.

OSHA man: You come very highly recommended, I'm wondering, with the kind of
recommendations you have, why would you want to become a field inspector?

ME: Well sir, I'm just trying to get a job, I've done a lot of construction work
in my life and I'm fairly familiar with safety codes and I feel what OSHA does
is very important. Since OSHA was established, accidents in the workplace have
been cut in half. A lot of fingers toes and lives have been saved. I consider it
an important field.

OSHA man: Very good but construction has declined quite a bit with the economy
the way it is. We have had to lay off a lot of inspectors.

ME: I understand. My friends who have recommended me for this job seem to think
I'll be good at it and they want me to succeed. I don't want to let them down
either.

[I can sense this guy is under some pressure to hire me, I'm making just enough
effort to let it happen.]

OSHA man: You'll have to attend 4 weeks of instruction here. Do you have a place
to stay?

ME: I thought I would wait and see if I'm accepted before looking for housing but
I can find a place to live while I'm going through training.

OSHA man: Do you have a wife and family?

ME: No, just a girlfriend, she lives in Alabama, I was hoping I could get an
assignment down south so I could see her from time to time.

OSHA man: Ok, we'll see about that later, find a place to stay and report for
training on Monday. Most of our training is done by watching films then we have
an instructor who can answer any questions. You'll be tested of course. Your
references only get you so far then you have to make it on your own.

ME: I understand, that's what I had expected.

OSHA man: Ok then, see you Monday, have a good weekend.

ME: Thank you, bye.

[ I return to the Hotel.]

ME: Hey Susan! guess what?

Susan: You got hired?

ME: Not exactly, but I have been accepted into training and if I can score well
on the exams I've got a job!

Susan: Great! that's what you wanted. How long is the training?

ME: It's a 4 week course, mostly watching films and going over regulations.

Susan: I'm still a little confused, I thought you wanted to inspect the warehouse
in Atlanta but 4 weeks from now the gold will have been transfer.

ME: I've got a plan, don't worry.

Susan: I've stopped worrying about you long ago.

ME: I know, you weren't too worried when I met you at the Holiday Inn, you were
going to leave me to live in my van.

Susan: You know the state of mind I was in at that time.

ME: Ok, enough, let's go sit in the whirlpool and live the good life. I'll order
you a martini.

Susan: Let's go.

[Susan leaves Sunday evening and I go to school Monday morning, I meet a
secretary.]

ME: Good morning, I'm reporting for school today.

Secretary: Good morning, we were expecting you. You'll first need to fill out
this paperwork and we'll get you into the system.

ME: Thank you.

[I fill out the paperwork, and start watching videos, a couple days go by and
I'm finally issued a photo id. I figure I'm in the system and it's time to get
out of here. I decide to wait till late Thursday and go see the boss and tell
him I have an emergency and need to go back to Alabama. Thursday after lunch I
rub my eyes and try to look upset then go to the secretary and tell her I need
to speak to the boss.]

ME: Hello sir.

Boss: Come on in, how's the classes going?

ME: Very good sir, but I have a personal problem.

Boss: What's that?

ME: My brother in law was killed in an automobile accident.

Boss: I'm so sorry to hear that.

ME: They are having the funeral Sunday, I would like to attend.

Boss: I understand, when can you return?

ME: I would like to leave tonight and try to get back here no later than Monday
night.

Boss: Ok, again I'm so sorry for your families loss.

ME: Thank you sir. bye.

[ I called Susan at work and said.]

ME: Hello sweetheart, I'm coming home, can you pick me up at the airport in
Birmingham in a few hours?

Susan: You graduated so soon?

ME: Not exactly.

Susan: So you are dropping out?

ME: I haven't decided.

Susan: Ok, I'll be there.

[ I fly back and she meets me and we head back to Huntsville.]

ME: I need a partner.

Susan: And flowers need sunshine.

ME: I'm serious, I can't pull this off on my own.

Susan: You want me to help you steal gold?

ME: No, just come with me on an easter egg hunt.

Susan: Let me guess, you are going to use your OSHA credentials to snoop around
that warehouse in Atalanta?

ME: Yup.

Susan: What do you need me for?

ME: Because it's more convincing for two inspectors to show up.

Susan: First, I don't have any credentials, second why would inspectors show up
at the warehouse?

ME: I have a hunch that something is going to get spilled at their loading
docs... and it may get reported.

Susan: You do huh?

ME: Yup.

Susan: So you want me to go to a meeting and sit like a retard like you did at
Jack Crawford's meeting.

ME: I'm not sure that's a politically correct term that we should be using.

Susan: You are going to invade a secure warehouse under false pretenses and you
are worried about political correctness?

ME: Just sayin...

Susan: Suppose I agree to be your sidekick, what am I supposed to do for
credentials.

ME: Same as you do for your orgasms, fake it.

Susan: Haha, I thought I faked it pretty good.

ME: So you have no problem faking a forklift inspector's job with a trainee
badge made with crayons then.

Susan: Sure, I can do that, no problem.

ME: Ok, let's go to Atlanta.

Susan: Right now?

ME: Yes, why not? you can call in sick tomorrow, or don't, it will probably be
obvious that you aren't coming to work when you don't show up.

Susan: I have no clothes except for what I'm wearing, no makeup, I can't just go
to Atlanta now.

ME: Stop whining, whiney women don't display the traits that are attractive to
men.

Susan: You still aren't over that.

ME: Just sayin.

Susan: Ok Mr. B., I'm turning around and going to Atlanta.

ME: Excellent, now here is the plan.

Susan: Oh Lord, what am I getting into.

ME: There is nothing to this, no risk, no danger, just like crashing a frat
party.

Susan: But I've never done anything like that.

ME: Just follow my lead, I'm a master at this.

Susan: Now I'm past nervous and I'm on the scared level.

ME: Here is what we do, we'll stop at Walmart and get you some sloppy clothes,
I'll be wearing my fine FBI suit of course. We'll use my credentials at a photo
shop and make you a trainee badge. Then blaze a trail to the warehouse and see
if we can get to their loading docks tonight. If we can, I'll dump a few gallons
of diesel fuel on the ground. Tomorrow morning I'll go in and introduce myself
and tell them that we have a report of a spill on their docks that I have been
sent to check out. They will probably call in my credentials and hopefully
verify that I'm an OSHA inspector. Then I'll get you. Since I have been verified
and they are under the stress of an inspection they are unlikely to check your
credentials closely.

Are you still with me?

Susan: Yes, but why do you need me to go in with you?

ME: It's more official if they send out two inspectors AND with both of us
snooping around we are more likely to find any fake gold bars that are boxed up
and labeled to be shipped to China.

Susan: So we are inspecting the spill on the ground but looking at shipping
labels, how will that look?

ME: We don't want to make it that obvious but OSHA regulations require diligent
labeling of anything that may be hazardous. We will be checking warning labels
and doing a full inspection of the entire facility.

Susan: Suppose I find something that looks suspicious?

ME: Give me a signal and we get into a small argument.

Susan: What are we fighting about?

ME: Doesn't matter.

Susan: Why?

ME: I just want to get him out of the way so you can remove the shipping label.

Susan: What will you say to him?

ME: I'll tell him that you are being a bitch and I'm trying to be the good guy
who doesn't want to write him up for anything and I just want to finish and go
home and bang my wife.

Susan: Well that will be a half-truth.

ME: Ha ha... If we think we have found a fake gold shipment and get the label,
we'll take a lunch break and go create a fake shipping label and come back and
try to get it on the box.

Susan: Fake label? How can we do that?

ME: Well, we don't actually need a fake label, we just have to modify the
shippers phone number and make a copy.

Susan: Let me guess, they'll be calling you for something?

ME: No, I'll be calling them, I mean you'll be calling them. They will need the
number to the cell phone we picked up to be on the shipping label. They'll use
it to call back and verify your information.

Susan: That's getting too deep but I'm curious, why would I want to talk to them
or why would they want to talk to me?

ME: Because there has been some "confusion" with the shipment, the wrong
materials were packaged inside the box, it's improperly labeled and you are
sending out a truck with the correct shipments, correctly labeled and they need
to make the exchange.

Anyway, none of that will happen unless we are fairly certain that we have found
a box of fake gold. Remember, even 80 bars of gold will not take much space. We
are looking for something small but very heavy, going to Asia.

Susan: I totally get it but let's jump ahead a bit. Suppose we somehow get the
fake gold, first, what good would it be? Second don't you think they will
connect our inspection with the disappearance of the fake gold?

ME: One question at a time please, we don't want to lose our audience.

First, keep in mind that the fake gold is coated with REAL gold, even if we only
get to lick the icing off the cake, we'll still enjoy a substantial desert.

Second, we will be taking a risk but I think it's calculated, should the
warehouse people be questioned, I don't think they will be so willing to admit
to any fault. If questioned I think they'll just be like a low paying laborer
who breaks something expensive. He'll always say: "it was like that when I got
here" and... I don't think anyone is going to show up and ask them "what did you
do with our fake gold?"

If we find fake gold and make a swap, as far as they know nothing was ever
missing. They probably won't even think about the inspection since it may be
another month before anyone realizes the fake gold is missing.

Susan: I can't believe I'm considering this. Think of the consequences.

ME: Think of the rewards.

Susan: If we get away with, say a half million dollars worth of, as you put it
"icing" how will we ever cash it in? How will we even get it off the lead?

ME: Good questions, considering we haven't even found any fake gold bars yet.
Let's just see if we get access to the docs and spill some diesel fuel and make
an inspection.

Susan: Ok, I hope I can do this.

ME: If you can't pull this off, how do you think you will ever defend a criminal
and look the jury in the eye and say, let this creep go?

Susan: I thought I told you that I would pick my cases.

ME: I've got a secret for you. Innocent people don't need a lawyer.

Susan: Ok, were are we going to spend the night?

ME: Depends, I think it's your turn to pay.

Susan: In that case we'll be checking into the Bates motel.

ME: Haha, good one.

[We locate the warehouse and it's connected to the airport but not behind secure
gates. We go to a gas station and fill up a container with diesel fuel and go
back to the dock and pour it on the ground, making it look like something fell
off the dock and spilled.

Next day we go to make the inspection. I go in and meet the supervisor.]

ME: Hello, I'm inspector B with OSHA, we had a call this morning about a
chemical spill on your loading dock and we've been dispatched to make a report.

Supervisor: This is the first I've heard about this are you sure this is the
right warehouse?

ME: I think so, let's just walk out and take a quick look.

[We go to the dock and I point out the spill.]

ME: Yes, unfortunately I have to make a full inspection.

Supervisor: Oh no, whats going to happen now?

ME: It doesn't look bad at all, I'll just need to determine what it is and we'll
have to inspect your facility for safety compliance.

Supervisor: I had a feeling this wasn't going to be a good day.

ME: I really don't think you have anything to worry about but I have to do my
job. I'm not here to try to find something to cite you for. Let's just see how
it goes.

Supervisor: Ok, what next?

ME: First, are you the top supervisor who is in charge of this facility and the
safe operations of it?

Supervisor: No, I'm a junior supervisor but I've been here for over 10 years. We
have never had an inspection.

ME: Ok, here is my identification, you should go call the person or person's in
charge of this warehouse and explain to them that a possible toxic spill was
reported and I have been dispatched to make an inspection.

Supervisor: Ok. what are you going to be doing in the meantime?

ME: I'll get a kit from my car and try to determine what this is.

Supervisor: Ok, I'll be right back.

[He leaves, oh crap, I don't have any kit. I go to the car and tell Susan to
hold tight, everything is going well. I get a bottle of water and take it to the
spill. I wait around and when I see the supervisor coming I pour some water on
it.

When he approaches I say.]

ME: I think this is just diesel fuel, probably a small amount spilled from a
truck, maybe a auxiliary power unit. I don't think there is anything to worry
about.

Supervisor: Good, my supervisor has asked me to take care of this and comply
with your inspection.

ME: Thank you. I'll get my assistant now and we'll get started right away.

Supervisor: Ok.

ME: You should have someone who can go with us and answer questions about safety
procedures. You do have written procedures for the event of a fire or toxic
spill or security threat don't you?

Supervisor: Umm, yes we have some paperwork.

ME: Ok, I'll need to check that out too. I'll get my assistant and see you in a
few minutes.

[I go to the car and say to Susan.]

ME: Show time! Let's do this. Just poke around like you are looking for a dead
rat.

Susan: That's not funny, I'm about to pee in my pants.

ME: This will be fun. The guy is scared half to death, I thought women enjoyed
having a man by the balls.

Susan: I'm going to have you by the balls when we get out of here.

ME: I can't wait. Let's go.

[We go in and I introduce Susan as my trainee assistant, she is too scared to
say anything... I'm trying to keep from laughing.

We start to make our rounds and the supervisor goes with us.

I say to Susan.]

ME: I'll check out the forklifts and you check for spills and anything slippery
that may be on the floor. I think that the spill that was diesel fuel. There may
be more if it came from an equipment leak. It may be something like break fluid
or hydraulic fluid.

Susan: Yes sir.

[ I go to look at the forklifts and ask the supervisor.]

ME: Where are the extra tanks? I need to see that they are properly stored.

Supervisor: This way.

[We go take a look and I have a clipboard and jot down some notes I keep an eye
on Susan.

I continue to look around and ask about an eye wash area and what are the
designated smoking areas, etc.

[I notice Susan trying to signal me. I say to the supervisor.]

ME: Excuse me for a second, I need to speak to my assistant.

[I go over to her and say.]

ME: You think you have found something?

[She nods yes.]

ME: Time to shine sweetheart, start arguing with me.

[She starts talking.]

Susan: You're an asshole who is going to get me into trouble.

ME: Get a little louder and move your arms a bit.

Susan: You have a little dick and you have never satisfy a woman in your life.

ME: Tell me what you really think.

I'm going back to the supervisor and get him to go to the office, you get that
label.

[I return to the supervisor and say.]

ME: Gezz, I hate breaking in these new trainees, she wants to inspect all this
freight to make sure it's properly labeled.

Supervisor: What are you going to do.

ME: Let's go in your office for a second.

Supervisor: Ok.

[he leads the way once inside I say.]

ME: Listen, I'm convinced there are no problems here and I'm ready to finish my
report and leave but agent Fife out there is being a pain in the ass and acting
like a bitch.

Supervisor: What are you going to do?

ME: Just go along with me.

Supervisor: Ok.

[We go back and I can see the label is missing and she has moved to another
container I say.]

ME: Agent, we have a problem here, as you know we have the authority to inspect
anything at a facility where employees work, but we have to attain special
permission in order to inspect records or areas that a business has classified
as a trade secrets. The supervisor doesn't feel comfortable with this part of
the inspection because these shipments belong to his customers who may have
reservations. Either way, we would have to contact them and allow them to send a
representative here to be present during any inspection. Isn't that right
Supervisor?

Supervisor: Yes.

ME: How about this, let's take a lunch break and come back and spot check a few
boxes and look over the emergency procedures and wrap this up.

[Susan nods.

I turn to the supervisor and give little wink and say:]

ME: We'll see you in about an hour.

[We return to my van and drive off.]

Susan: Gezz... you do have brass balls.

ME: Hey, what can I say, I was born for this.

Susan: Now what?

ME: You have that label?

Susan: Yes.

ME: Do you think there are fake gold bars inside?

Susan: No way to know for sure, how much do gold bars weigh?

ME: About 30 lbs each, but gold is twice the density of lead, so if there are
gold plated led bars the should weigh about 15 lbs each.

Susan: This label is a little over $2,500 lbs but the volume is very small.

ME: What does it say is inside?

Susan: It just says raw non-toxic metals.

ME: Ok, well we can't know how many bars, if any, may be in the box and if the
bars are gold coated tungsten they would weigh the same as bars of gold.

I'm guessing that if someone does intend to replace some of the gold bars and
hope to fool the Chinese, and get away with it, they would use tungsten rather
than lead.

Susan: What do we do now?

ME: Let's make a copy of the shipping label and put the cell phone number on it
and go back and put that label on the box.

Susan: How are we going to do that?

ME: Hell if I know, we'll just kinda wing it.

Susan: You know this is critical, we can't get caught swapping labels.

ME: Well do you want to give him a lapdance while I do it?

Susan: No, but you can blow him while I do it.

ME: If I knew we could get that box out of here I would blow him and kiss his
ass.

Susan: Yuck.

ME: You would too, haha.

Susan: Let's get serious.

ME: What's your plan?

Susan: My plan? How is this suddenly my operation?

ME: Ok... I guess I'll have fix this.

Here is the plan, when we get back, we both start going over any procedures he
can produce on paper about what to do in case of fire, emergency and injuries,
at them most critical time, when he is fumbling around to find something to try
to satisfy our inspection I'll turn to you and give you a vial and instruct you
to go out and get a sample of the spill.

Susan: What if the employees are watching me? It wasn't easy to get this label
off with them hanging around.

ME: Gezz, I don't know, let me think.

Susan: Better think fast, I can't put this on the box if they are watching me, I
was lucky to get it off.

ME: Don't worry, I'll come up with something.

[We make a copy with the cell phone number on the shipping label and pick up a
small bottle of Advil at a quick mart, Susan dumps the pills and scratches off
the label and gives it to me. We return to the warehouse go in and meet the
supervisor.]

ME: Hello, we're back, do you have the emergency procedures?

Supervisor: We seem to missing our written records but we do have safety
meetings with the employees.

ME: Do you have anything written up?

Supervisor: Not really that much.

ME: Do you have any records of any accident or injury, or something like a chart
of number of days without an accident or injury?

Supervisor: We had a chart like that one time.

ME: Can you find it?

Supervisor: I've been looking.

[I turn to Susan and pull out the bottle.]

ME: Agent Feldon, can you go collect a sample of the spill while I conclude
here?

Susan: Yes sir.

[She leaves through the back.]

ME: Oh, do your employees have their fork lift certifications?

[He looks relieved, I think I have finally found something he can come up with.]

Supervisor: They had better have, we sent them to a training course when they
were hired.

ME: Can you call them in and have them show me?

Supervisor: Sure.

[He opens the door to the warehouse and calls the two workers to the office.]

Supervisor: Can you show the inspector your fork lift certifications.

[They start fumbling around, I sure hope they come up with something.

One of them finds his, the other is looking and looking.

I take it and make some notes then ask the guy who is still looking for his.]

ME: Do you remember when you got your certification?

Operator: About 4 years ago.

ME: You did get certified right?

Operator: Yes sir.

ME: Ok, good enough for now.

Supervisor: [To the men.] You can go back to work now.

ME: [To supervisor.] You don't have the written safety procedures that you are
supposed to have on file.

[Supervisor looks pitiful.]

ME: But you do have safe working conditions. The workspace is free from tripping
hazards and the general shop is clean, your equipment seems to be well
maintained. You just need to get those written emergency procedures. The next
inspector will be aware that you have been warned.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Supervisor: So we are ok?

ME: Yes, just keep an eye out for any spills when trucks come in.

Let me find my assistant and hit the road.

Oh, If I need to call you for anything how late will you be here?

Supervisor: We take shipments till 10 but my shift is over at 5.

ME: Ok, thanks for your cooperation, bye.

[ Susan is talking to the employees, trying to be all official and stuff and I
motion for her to go.

We get into the van and head down the road.]

Susan: Wheww, I'm glad that's over.

ME: What's over?

Susan: You know the fake inspection and all.

ME: Baby, we have just started.

Susan: What do you mean?

ME: We got to rent a truck and find a box and swap it for the one you put the
label on.

Susan: Tell me again, how are we going to do that?

ME: The supervisor didn't talk directly you to you so he doesn't know your
voice.

Susan: So?

ME: So about 10 to 5 when he is getting ready to clock out you call and read the
the shipping label and tell him that there has been a mixup and you have
dispatched a truck with the correct contents and correct labels to swap them
out.

Susan: And they will go for that?

ME: Not that easily, he has paperwork and will want to call you back for
verification.

Susan: So why did we do all that label swapping?

ME: Because you tell him it's after hours and he'll have call you back at the
emergency phone number on the box.

Susan: So he calls me back, then what.

ME: You tell him the truck will be there with the correct contents about 7 pm
and to please have it ready for the driver to pickup.

Susan: Why don't you just wait for the new guys shift to start and talk to him?

ME: Ok, if you can't do it then I'll have to - but we are losing our advantage
because this guy has already had a very bad day and he just wants to go home and
forget about it.

Susan: So you think he'll just tell his replacement to give us the box? That
simple?

ME: Yes, his replacement is even lower down on the ladder, he'll do whatever he
is told.

Susan: Well let's just go in and tell him we want that box if it's that easy.

ME: Hello, hello, he won't just do whatever WE tell him, but he'll do whatever
the dayshift supervisor tells him - without question.

Susan: What if the same forklift drivers are there?

ME: We'll be fucked then.

Susan: That doesn't sound like the good kind of sex.

ME: It's not.

Susan: Where will we get a truck and another box and something heavy to put into
it?

ME: How about we rent one? Dumpsters are full of boxes.... we just need some
rocks or scrap metal.

Susan: Won't the guy driving the forklift know they are different?

ME: That's why we are making the swap... The wrong stuff got shipped.

Susan: This is getting really serious.

ME: No guts no glory.

Susan: It's stupid to rip off someone who is way way way bigger that the Mafia.
they have your OSHA id info.

ME: All they will be able to find out is that I'm a legit OSHA inspector. But
the way that guy keeps records I seriously doubt he wrote down anything, anyway,
we can elope and live in the Bahamas if we want.

Susan: Do they take fake gold for rent in the Bahamas? Won't our suitcases be
awfully heavy?

ME: I never knew you to be such a worry wart.

[We rent a truck and take a break and then get ready to make the phone call.

Susan: Hello.

Supervisor: Hello, may I help you?

Susan: Yes, I'm calling from Dupont industries, we have a shipments that is
stored at your warehouse.

Supervisor: Give me just a second and let me look in my records.

[Susan reads off everything from the label we swiped and explains.]

Susan: We have found a mistake, the shipment was mislabeled and the wrong
materials were shipped in that box, we are sending a driver with the correct
shipments. We need him to pick up the one that is there and bring it back.

Supervisor: This is highly regular.

Susan: Yes, I know, several people here are in trouble over this mixup. Can you
help us straighten out this mess?

Supervisor: I'll need to get authorization first, can I call you back?

Susan: Yes, but you'll have to use the emergency phone number on the shipping
label because the office has close for the day. Our driver with the correct
shipment was sent out at noon and he'll be there around 7 pm.

Supervisor: I'll call you back at the number on the shipment bill of laden.

Susan: Thank you very much, bye.

ME: What do your senses tell you?

Susan: He is cautious, says this is highly irregular.

ME: Be nice and beg if you have to. Remember you are a damsel in distress.

Susan: I'll try.

[Phone rings.]

Susan: Hello.

Supervisor: Can you tell me more about the contents of this shipment?

Susan: It's mislabeled, it says non-toxic metals but they are actually toxic,
not high level but it should have had a hasmat label, that's why we are sending
our own truck to pick it up. It can't be returned through normal shipping
channels without the proper hasmat labeling.

Supervisor: Do you know what would have happened if this was discovered by the
DOT?

Susan: Yes, but shit happens, we're trying to fix it are you going to work with
us or do we need to contact the dot and pay fines or whatever it takes to fix
it?

By the way, as you know this shipment is going to China and with it mislabeled
it may cause an international incident, if hasmat material was shipped to
America mislabeled, homeland security could call it a dirty bomb, everyone here
is aware of how serious this mistake is.

Supervisor: You have the correct shipment on the way?

Susan: Yes, the truck and driver will be there with at 7.

Supervisor: He will have the paperwork and the shipment properly labeled this
time?

Susan: Yes.

Supervisor: Ok as long as the paperwork is in order we'll exchange the freight.

Susan: Thank you, we appreciate your help very much.

ME: WOW... That was your damsel in distress rap you laid on that guy?

Susan: Sometimes little boys need their mothers to make them behave.

ME: So that's how you are going to raise our boys?

Susan: What's the chances of me getting pregnant during a conjugal visit?

ME: I'll come to see YOU at the right time.

Susan: Ha ha funny man.

ME: You think he bought it?

Susan: I think so.

ME: That was quite impressive, all that talk about dot and hasmat, where did
that come from?

Susan: I guess I've been hanging around you too long.

[I back the truck up to the dock and get out and open the back door and a guy
comes to meet me.]

ME: Hello I'm here to drop off this shipment and pick up another one.

Worker: Ok, you have the paperwork?

ME: It's on the box.

Worker: Where is the bill of laden?

ME: I was told you already had it, your supervisor was contacted about this
mixup.

Worker: I'll be right back.

[He goes to the office, they both come out with paperwork and look over the box
that I'm picking up. Then they come toward me.]

Supervisor: Do you have the paperwork?

ME: Yes, it's on the box.

[He goes to the box and looks.]

Supervisor: This is just the shipping label.

ME: They told me you already had the paperwork.

Supervisor: We have paperwork for the other box.

ME: No, that paperwork is actually for this box here.

Supervisor: How did the wrong box get here?

ME: Hell if I know, I'm just a driver, I was told to bring this box here and
pick up the wrong one that was shipped. I was told everything was cleared with
your daytime supervisor.

Supervisor: I was made aware of the mixup and told the one we have should have
been labeled hasmat.

ME: That's why they rented a truck and sent me. It can't be shipped back through
commercial terminals with it mislabeled.

Supervisor: Ok, let's get this pallet off and get the other one loaded.

ME: Thanks, I got to get moving, I got a long drive before I get home.

[They make the swap and I close the door and leave, I get a few blocks away and
Susan follows me I'm getting so excited I'm about to hyperventilate. Could I have
gold coating fake bars? How far should I drive before I pull over and look?

I'm like a kid waking up on Christmas morning. I pull into a parking lot and go
behind a grocery store to the loading area. It's late at night and quite. Before
I can get to the back of the truck Susan is standing there.

ME: I'm about to faint, I'm so hyped up.

Susan: Me too, hurry, let's see what we got.

[I open the door and climb into the truck and start opening the box, Susan has
already climbed up too she starts helping me open the box, there is stuff on
top, we dig it out and yellow gold bars start to appear. We shout and dance and
celebrate... although we know the gold bars are fake.]

Susan: Now what?

ME: First, I think we need to get this gold unloaded and turn in the truck and
get the hell out of dodge.

Susan: Let's do it.

Susan: I still can't believe we have pulled this off.

ME: Me either, whooooo.

Susan: I guess we need some smaller boxes.

ME: I think we need to get hand towels and wrap each individual bar.

Susan: Why?

ME: I don't want them to get scratched.

Susan: Why? aren't we going to scrape off the gold anyway?

ME: Let's keep them in mint condition for now.

Susan: You think you can get away with selling them as solid gold?

ME: Let's just keep our options open for now.

[ I've forgotten we haven't eaten all day, we spent lunch break making a copy of
the shipping label.

ME: I'm hungry.

Susan: Me too.

ME: Want some gold soup?

Susan: Maybe for desert we'll have some icing.

ME: Haha, well run get some chicken. I'll go into the store and get some hand
towels.

Susan: You are going to leave the truck unlocked.

ME: Do you want to watch it while I get a pad lock.

Susan: I guess it will be ok for a few minutes, I'll go grab the chicken, you
pick up some drinks.

ME: Ok, see you in a few minutes.

[We meet back and sit on the back of the truck with the fake gold booty and
eat.]

ME: This is not a good place to move this gold into my van. Cops make their
rounds and would stop to see what we are doing.

Susan: We don't want that after all we have been through to get it.

ME: You got that right.

Susan: So what's the plan?

ME: First, let's get enough hand towels to wrap every bar, well go to a few
Walmarts and dollar stores till we have bought enough.

Susan: Then what?

ME: We'll park in front of Walmart away from other vehicles and get in back of
the truck and close the door and get the bars wrapped and stacked on the
tailgate and find a place and park the van right at the back door so we an just
grab the bars and turn around and put them in the van. It's not going to be
easy.

Susan: Yeah 30 lbs at a time, but it looks like there are about 80 bars I think
we'll be excited enough to move them quickly.

ME: I'm sure we will be.

[We find a quiet place and transfer the gold and turn in the truck and drop the
keys in the drop box and head back to Huntsville, we are riding down the road
and Susan says.]

Susan: I'm beginning to realize that we still have a long way to go. How can we
get the gold icing off those bars and how can we sell it?

ME: Maybe they are solid gold and we won't have to worry about getting the icing
off.

Susan: In your dreams. How much would they be worth if they were solid?

ME: Well each bar is 400 ounces and gold prices are near $1,200 per ounce so
that's about a half million dollars per bar, 2 bars make a million dollars so 80
bars are worth 40 million dollars.

Susan: How much do you think they are really worth?

ME: If each bar has one ounce gold coating, the value would be about 100
thousand dollars.

Susan: So we pulled off this risky scheme for only 100 thousand dollars.

ME: Yes, probably.

Susan: Suddenly I'm not so excited anymore.

ME: You should go back there and take a look again at those bars then, something
about looking at gold gives humans gold fever.

Susan: Just tell me why you really wanted these fake bars of gold, I know you
have something up.

[I smile and turn up the radio, Bruce Springstine is singing, I'm no angel.

We ride for another hour, Susan has knocked off 3 beers and dozed off. A couple
hours we are past Birmingham, Susan wakes up.

Susan: Hey were are we?

ME: About 3 hours from home, did you have a good nap?

Susan: Yep, I dreamed we stole 40 million dollars worth of gold bullion.

ME: You did? what did we do with it then?

Susan: I woke up before I got to that part.

ME: You should go back to sleep and find out.

Susan: Why don't you just tell me?

ME: And spoil all the suspense?

Susan: Yeah, I've had all the suspense I can take for one day.

ME: Promise you won't get mad?

Susan: I can't make a promise like that.

ME: I guess you'll have to hide in the bushes and watch then.

Susan: Forget it then.

ME: Did anyone ever tell you that you are so cute when you pout?

Susan: Fuck you.

ME: Ouch, do you know that men aren't impressed by ladies with potty mouths?

Susan: You're an asshole.

ME: Ok, ok, do you want to play Bonnie and Clyde?

Susan: Can I hear the plan before I answer?

ME: No.

Susan: Your audience is getting bored.

ME: They're ok, most went to get popcorn when you went to sleep, I'm just
rambling till they get back, then I'll reveal my big plans.

Susan: They're back, now tell me.

ME: Ok, as you know congress has to decide what to do with the surplus IRS
workforce since switching to a flat sales tax.

Susan: Continue.

ME: All the talking heads on the news channels agree that congress will NOT pass
any legislation to direct the surplus IRS workforce to regulate the spending of
tax payer's money.

Susan: Yeah, everyone knows that.

ME: 40 million dollars worth of campaign contributions may change a few votes.

Susan: You don't have 40 million dollars, you only have about 100 thousand
dollars worth of gold.

ME: You know what they say in the entertainment business?

Susan: No, what do they say in the entertainment business?

ME: They say that "perception is reality."

Susan: What does that mean?

ME: Suppose I went to the town square in 1964 with a guitar and stood on the
corner and started singing "she loves you yeah yeah yeah"

Susan: You probably did that, I think you were the village idiot in the town
where you grew up.

ME: Maybe, but the point is do you think millions of teenage girls would have
been screaming, fainting and peeing in their pants?

Susan: You weren't the Beatles.

ME: But what's the difference?

Susan: Unmm, they had talent and you don't?

ME: I'm not saying it's about the talent.

Susan: What is the point?

ME: The point is that when the Beatles became famous their fame grew out of
proportion because of the perception that was created around them.

Susan: So all those little girls got hyped up because their friends were crazy
about the Beatles.

ME: It wasn't their music, it must have been the perception.

Susan: But they were talented musicians, no one has ever produced as many hits
as Paul McCartney.

ME: I know, but they quit touring because with everyone screaming all the time
at their concerts no one could hear their music at all.

Susan: Ok, I'll agree that perception is related to reality somewhat.

ME: More than you think, for instance, I would trade all this gold, even if were
pure gold worth 40 million dollars for you, but would anyone else, except your
mother of father do it?

Susan: You are just trying to butter me up before you smack me.

ME: Haha, how am I doing?

Susan: Just get to the point.

ME: Ok, well those senators may vote to let the IRS regulate governmental
spending IF they thought they were getting a gold bar worth a half million
dollars.

Susan: So, if I'm hearing you right, you are suggesting we give away this gold?

ME: Why not?

Susan: Damn, we haven't even had it for 6 hours and now you are suggesting we
give it away to corrupt politicians.

ME: Do you think they'll take it?

Susan: Depends on how you go about it I suppose.

ME: I don't think we can just leave it on their doorstep with a note that says
vote YES to flip the IRS.

Susan: That's a better plan than going to prison for trying to bribe an elected
official.

ME: It's been established and tested and proven that campaign contribution are
not bribery.

Susan: Ok, let's suppose you give away all the gold, how can you be sure they
will vote for the amendment?

ME: They know the rules, if word got out that they took money and didn't deliver
the correct vote they would never get another offers from anyone, the element of
trust - in an otherwise corrupt system would be gone. They would be sidelined.

Susan: So you are just going to walk into a senator's office, unannounced and
say "here is a gold brick, vote yes:

ME: Pretty much.

Susan: Damn that is risky, if just one of them is honest and turns you over to
the authorities you'll rot in jail.

ME: Come on, you are starting to be a worry wart again, where's your sense of
adventure?

Susan: Stop using that line to con me into going along with your schemes.

ME: It's been working so far.

Susan: You don't need me to go to D.C. and give away this fake gold.

ME: But I'll be so lonely , the last time you left me in D.C. I couldn't live
without you and had to come home within 4 days after you left.

Susan: I remember that, it was the 4 most peaceful days I've had since you
reappeared. Anyway, I got to go back to work Monday morning, I live in the real
world remember?

ME: Destiny is calling you to help me save the greatest nation on earth, can you
rise to the occasion?

Susan: If you found senators to take the gold and if they voted to flip the IRS,
when they find out it's fake they will have you and ME killed.

ME: How will they find out?

Susan: Ummm, scratch a bar with their fingernail?

ME: We need a scheme to prevent that.

Susan: Once you turn over the gold they'll do what you keep saying you want to
do to me and "have their way with it"

ME: Now I've lost my focus.

Susan: Let's just go home and rest and discuss this tomorrow.

[Me turn on the radio, Lional Richard singing all night long.

We wake up the next morning and have breakfast and over coffee.]

ME: Are you ready to save your country today?

Susan: I told you I have to go to work Monday.

ME: Destiny is calling, hello Susan, hello, voices of our forefathers who
sacrificed everything they had and thousands who gave their lives so we could
have a better life are crying out.

Susan: I'm sure they are saying, go bribe elected officials with fake gold that
you have stolen.

ME: No, they are more like Timmy in the well shouting help help.

Susan: They are dead and gone, what do they care now?

ME: Come on, you are at least a little more patriotic than that.

Susan: Am I?

ME: Ok then, I'll go and try to do it all by myself.

Susan: What part would I play anyway?

ME: Moral support, backup, etc. You never know when there might come a need for
a strong mother figure to whip those little congress boys into shape.

Susan: [Laugh.] Damsel in distress... yeah, like that would have worked.

ME: See, I need you, you complete me.

Susan: Oh God, you are starting to sound weak and wussie.

ME: Ok then, Dammit, you are coming to D.C. with me.

Susan: I have a job. I've got to show up for work Monday morning.

ME: You missed Friday, you can be sick for a week, happens all the time that's
why they have sick leave.

Susan: Ok, ok, when do we leave?

ME: Thought you would never ask. Let's leave today.

Susan: You don't wasted any time. What if I want to make love to you all day
long? Will you still want to go today? Do you still hear those voices of history
calling help me, help me?

ME: Not so loudly but the neighbors will be hearing you voice calling "help me,
help me" if you turn me loose.

Susan: You are not a threat - you forgot what I told you in the warehouse when
we were arguing.

ME: You were joking.

Susan: Was I?

ME: Shutup.

Susan: That's usually my line, what's wrong, little boy is pouting.

ME: Hey, it's my script, I'm supposed to look good all the time.

Susan: Looks like you are struggling with some inner daemons.

ME: Probably, we all have them. So here is what we'll do.

Susan: Can't wait to hear this, passionate sex or save the world, which will you
choose.

ME: I can have them both.

Susan: Nope, you got to chose, what are those voices saying?

ME: They are saying: Bang her and then give away the gold.

[Put my finger to my ear and say:]

ME: hang on, this just in, special report, senator's offices are close till
Monday morning, no reason to hurry.

Susan: Just as I figured, my prince is still just a horny toad.

[Sunday morning we start out for D.C.]

ME: You know, I'm supposed to be back at work for OSHA tomorrow.

Susan: I tought you were done with them since you got the badge and made the
inspection.

ME: I am, but I think we can tie down a loose end, fairly easily.

Susan: There you go again, saying "we."

ME: I told you that I may have to call you up for reactivation on this mission.

Susan: What do you want me to do?

ME: Let's go together to visit my boss.

Susan: Why do I need to go?

ME: To administer the oath of secrecy.

Susan: I never heard of such a thing.

ME: I know, I just made it up.

Susan: The bullshit never slows down.

ME: Ok, here is the plan.

[Susan rolls her eyes.]

ME: We go in to his office together and I'll explain that I have been on
assignment from the FBI and show him my fake FBI badge.

Then I'll tell him that its a matter of national security that he supports our
covert actions.

Susan: Gezz, you are going to tell him we stole the gold using your OSHA
credentials?

ME: Hell no.

Susan: What national security actions did you take?

ME: Don't get too far ahead.

Susan: Ok, spell it out.

ME: After telling him I was on a covert mission I'll tell him that he has been
cleared for top secret security clearance in regards to this mission, but in
keeping with old time traditions where a man's word was his bond, you are here
to administrate the oath of secrecy.

Susan: This is just crazy, what would I say anyway?

ME: Just say something like, "Do you swear to keep the information we are about
to reveal a secret and do you understand that if you leak top secret information
to anyone you can be tried for treason."

Susan: Haha, you are nuts, he won't bye it.

ME: I'm 90% sure he will. Look, he has been in government many years in a boring
job, millions of contractors hate him because of the fines OSHA, his department,
has leveled on their companies. Nothing exciting has ever happened. He'll be
convinced he is finally significant.

Susan: Maybe, then what?

ME: I'll let him in on the secret.

Susan: What's the secret.

ME: That his organization has assisted the FBI and homeland security in foiling
a terrorist plot to attach the United States with a dirty bomb that was shipped
to Atlanta. I'll mention that the information we were acting on was divulged by
the hijackers a couple months ago when they were arrested and "convinced" to
talk - by any means necessary.

Susan: Won't he wonder why the FBI didn't just search the building?

ME: We FBI people work in secrecy, that would tip our hand.

Susan: We FBI people?

ME: Yeah, anyway, here is the deal... The FBI used a real OSHA agent to make an
inspection and to verify the information that the dirty bomb material was
actually located at the warehouse and then it was secretly swapped with
something safe. We are monitoring the shipment to find out where it's going to
end up and try to determine how it will be used so that we can better understand
how to prevent an undetected attack in the future.

Susan: It's a weak argument that the FBI needed an OSHA badge.

ME: The investigation is ongoing, should anything ever come up about the
inspection he will be needed verify the inspectors who came to the warehouse
that day were OSHA officials. It has to look like a coincidence because we have
no way of knowing exactly who is behind this and what connections they may have
inside the government.

Susan: You think that will tie up any loose ends should someone come looking for
us?

ME: I think it will lead to a cold trail should the people who put the fake gold
there follow it. Remember they will be suspicions of each other much much more
than they would be a legit OSHA inspector.

Susan: What if he wants to call the FBI to verify your claims?

ME: I'll tell him fine, just talk ONLY to Jack Crawford about this matter, he
will probably know that Jack sent me over.

Susan: I still don't understand why you want to go to all this effort to cover
that trail but then you'll go meet with 80 senators, face to face and offer them
a bribe.

What if just one of the senators is in on the plot to swap the fake bars with
real ones?

You are going to be in very deep shit if JUST one of those senators you approach
is connected with the fake gold swapping scheme.

ME: I know, I know.

Susan: Your plot is weak.

ME: Look, even if I approach a senator and he knows I'm offering him fake gold,
what's he going to do?

Susan: Have your ass put in federal prison.

ME: That would expose their plot.

Susan: How?

ME: Everyone would want to know WHERE I found fake gold bars, even an fumbling
lawyer like yourself would point that out.

Susan: Damn you.

ME: Relax, you are helping me figure out all these details I haven't thought
about I'll need all the confidence I can muster when I start meeting with
senators.

Susan: How will you go about getting a meeting and making your sales pitch?

ME: It won't be easy, I'll just have to keep visiting their offices and try to
get an appointment.

Susan: Millions of people are trying to get meetings with senators.

ME: Most want favors, the line of those offering contributions is much shorter.

Susan: Suppose you find some who take your offer, then what? You just leave the
bar of fake gold and hope they don't realize they have been scammed?

ME: We need to get them to put it in a safety deposit box.

Susan: They will think they are getting setup for a sting.

ME: I'll just have to be convincing and hope their greed will dominate their
fear.

Susan: That may be easy with some but someone will be suspicious.

ME: Well, I came here to give it the old college try.

Susan: You think it's worth all this personal risk to put the IRS in charge of
regulating governmental spending? Didn't they pass the Fairness Doctrine to
allow citizens access to monitor government spending?

ME: Yeah but that hasn't accomplished anything. They find and report waste,
fraud and abuses, make list of pork barret projects on their web sites, but
nothing changes. It's like locking the barn door after the mule got out. The
taxpayers money is already wasted.

Susan: Boy, I didn't know you were so passionate about this.

ME: I am, as they say, I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore.

Susan: I think we need to get a room and chill out, I can't see how you can be
an effective scam artist with so much passion. You need to relax, you bring your
"A" game when you are arrogant and cocky.

ME: I guess so.

[We pull over, get a room and eat and relax and we spend the night.

Next day we have a few more hours to drive to D.C. and visit my boss and take
care of the OSHA lose ends.

We get a room and start making phone calls to senator's offices to arrange a
meeting, it's not going well.]

Susan: I don't think this is going to work, we need another strategy.

ME: What do you propose?

Susan: Maybe we can find a way to meet senators outside their offices. They make
public appearances and dine out and enjoy their social status.

ME: Sounds good, how do we do that?

Susan: Senator X has lunch at the overpriced restaurant frequently.

ME: So we need to get hired there and you are his waitress and bust his table?

Susan: No, you idiot, we dine nearby and engage in social dialogue.

ME: But that place charges $50 for soup.

Susan: Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

ME: I'm suspicious, maybe you just want to be a high society lady and enjoy the
good life.

Susan: I would like that better than wearing sloppy clothes and inspecting
warehouse floors for hydraulic fluid spills.

ME: Ok, but I remember you said you rather live a life or quantity than quality.

Susan: I've decided I want both, have my cake and eat it too.

ME: Don't bite too deep, it may be bitter beneath the icing. haha.

Susan: Let's dress up and go meet a big wheel.

ME: Ok.

[We go to the restaurant and get seated, a senator shows up and there is clamor
around him as usual. We play cool and observe.

His party is seated and they order. We aren't close enough to initiate a
conversation but when he gets up to go to the restroom Susan nudges me and
says.]

Susan: Ok, show time, you're up.

ME: I can't go talk to a man with his dick in his hand.

Susan: You're about to panic aren't you?

ME: I'm sick, I can't do this, too much pressure, I'm too nervous.

Susan: You wus.

[She gets up and goes to the bar and watches for him to come out.

When he comes out of the restroom she speaks to him, he pauses for a minute and
they have a few words. He returns to his table and looks toward me and gives a
nod.

Humm what did she say? I think I'm going to throw up. I can't believe I'm
falling apart.

Susan returns.]

ME: What happened?

Susan: I told him I was a hooker and my client had money to spend on campaign
contributions. He told me to have you come over to his office later.

ME: You said you were a prostitute?

Susan: Yeah, I thought that was funny.

ME: You must have told him you charge $50,000 because he left laughing too.

Susan: Oh my rates are much higher for a real man with power, you wussed out. I
am disappointed in you.

ME: Every hero has a bad day once in a while.

Susan: Your bad day needs to end right now, you have to go make your pitch in
about an hour.

ME: I better order a strong drink.

Susan: You don't drink, you would fall down after one drink.

ME: Anyway, I got one hour to get my act together.

[We finish and leave, I go to a shop and get a nice briefcase and put a bar of
the fake gold into it and go to the senator's office. I meet his secretary and
she says senator X will be with you in a moment. I take a seat and wait, I'm
still feeling wozzie. She let's him know that I'm there and says.]

Secretary: You can go in now please.

ME: Thank you.

[I enter and shake his hand.]

ME: Good to meet you senator X.

X: Have a seat.

ME: Thank you.

X: Your lovely girlfriend mentioned you were possibly interested in campaign
finance.

ME: Well sir, let me be straight with you.

X: By all means.

ME: I'm a courier, a message boy, my boss is interested in this idea that's been
floating around to have the IRS monitor federal spending become law.

X: There are many problems with that proposal. The IRS will have too much access
to classified information, and...

[I interrupt.]

ME:..Excuse me sir.

X: What?

ME: The pros and cons of the bill that will come up for vote are totally
irrelevant to me. I could care less. I mean no disrespect I'm simply here to
offer a very substantial private donation to your campaign fund.

[I open my brief case and expose the gold bar. He is in mild shock. finally he
says.]

X: Is that what I think it is?

ME: Yes sir, it's 400 grams pure gold bullion that my boss recovered from the
sunken Titanic.

X: [he chuckles.] Are you sure this is not connected with terrorism?

ME: Sir, with all due respect, if Ben Laudin were sending this to you I would
imagine he would be wanting for you to vote to get the troupes out of
Afghanistan. My client wants the "flip" bill to pass.

X: What's this worth?

ME: A half million dollars.

X: I can't accept a donation of that size.

ME: My client isn't asking for a receipt.

X: This is highly irregular.

ME: I didn't know that, this is my first day on the job.

X: What assurances would you have that I would vote in favor of the bill if it
comes up?

ME: None, and it's really none of my concern. I'm guessing my boss thinks you'll
play ball.

X: Do you know how serious it is to make this kind of offer?

ME: Yes sir, but I'm getting paid well to take a calculated risk.

X: Why do you say calculated?

ME: If I'm arrested my lawyer will probably claim we had an agreement to do
something illegal and you got cold feet. Suspicions connected with a half a
million dollar gold bar showing up in your office might be brought up by your
opponent in the next election.

Sir, I don't intend to be disrespectful but I have several more meetings to set
up. We need to get to bottom line here and decide if you want me to take this
offering to my next meeting or do you want it?

X: So you just forget your briefcase and that's it?

ME: Not exactly, my boss wants you to put it in a safety deposit box and leave
it there for a couple years.

X: That would be a problem, how will I know it's going to be there?

ME: You can chose the bank of your choice and get yourself a safety deposit box
and I'll meet you tomorrow and we'll lock it up, you take your key and our
business will be concluded.

X: Any bank I chose?

ME: Yes sir.

X: But I could just take it out later that day.

ME: Yes, but that would considered misbehaving.

X: How do I even know this is real?

ME: Do you have any scales?

X: I think there are some scales in the workout room.

ME: Can we have some privacy there?

X: Yes.

ME: Let's go weight it, gold bars weigh 400 grams or 27.5 pounds, you can look
it up on the internet.

X: Let's go weigh it.

[I follow and put the gold bar on the scales and it comes up to 27 lbs.]

X: Ok, I'll meet you tomorrow morning at 10 am at the Commerce Bank of Beverly
Hills in D.C.

ME: I'll be there.

[I leave and go back to the hotel and meet with Susan.]

Susan: How did it go?

ME: Surprisingly well, I think I have one vote.

Susan: He took the gold?

ME: No, he agreed to meet with me at his bank tomorrow morning at 10 am to put
it in a safety deposit box.

Susan: He did? I wonder why he didn't suspect a sting?

ME: He was pretty much full of himself and it seemed to me that he was so
accustomed to making big deals and taking payoffs he was almost willing to dance
to get the gold bar.

Susan: I suppose you left it wide open for him to look at all the time?

ME: Naturally.

Susan: Ok then, we got one vote, that's a start.

ME: Looks like it.

[Next morning I go to the bank and sit and wait, about 10:15 senator X enters. I
get up to greet him.]

ME: Good morning senator.

X: Make this brief, there are many cameras in here.

ME: Understood, get your box and call me to the viewing room when you are ready.

X: Will do.

[ I wait till he makes the arrangements and goes into the room and takes his box
to the private viewing area and gives me then nod. I go meet with him, open my
brief case and transfer the bar to his safety box. He takes our a knife and
starts to chip at the corner.]

ME: Hang on sir.

X: What? I want a piece as a souvenir.

ME: I don't think you want to do that.

X: Why not?

ME: Because it will no longer be in mint condition, if you deface it, the value
will drop by at least 10%, that's over 50 thousand dollars.

X: I didn't know that.

ME: I realize that sir, you can do some research later and decide if you want a
small souvenir that will cost your 50 thousand dollars... but I would keep it in
mint condition.

X: You are right, thanks.

ME: I'll be going now, be careful, 30 lbs is not that easy to manage, you don't
want to drop it.

X: You are right about that.

ME: One last thing, can you set up an appointment for me with one of your
colleagues?

X: No problem, but it will NOT be a reference, I'll just say that you have an
interest in donating to his campaign.

ME: I'll call your secretary later for the info.

X: Yes, you do that.

ME: It has been a pleasure doing business with you, bye.

X: Bye.

[I return to the hotel and meet Susan.]

ME: Wheww, that was a chore.

Susan: What happened?

ME: First he didn't want to be seen associating with me so I had to hang back
then when he got the box and I met with him he started to cut a piece off the
corner of the bar.

Susan: What did you do?

ME: I told him that the value would decline by 10% if it wasn't kept in mint
condition.

Susan: I'll be he put the knife away.

ME: Yeah, in a New York minute.

Susan: What next?

ME: I'm calling his office later to get info about a meeting he is setting up
with one of his comrades.

Susan: I guess he wants to pay off a favor.

ME: Yeah, or bank one.

Susan: So we are going to give away all this fake gold?

ME: I'm thinking 75 bars will be enough. I think it only takes 60 votes to pass
the bill but since we only get one shot at this it won't hurt to have a few
extra votes.

Susan: Guess not.

ME: But here is our problem, we have spent two days on getting one vote, we need
a method to mass process this endeavor or we'll be here for 3 or 4 months.

Susan: Seems that way.

ME: Do you have any ideas?

Susan: You mentioned that he didn't want to be caught on camera with you.

ME: Right.

Susan: You may find even more resistance from other senators.

ME: I'm sure there will be all kinds of problems to deal with.

Susan: Here is a suggestion.

ME: Finally you are trying to earn your keep.

Susan: Shutup and listen.

ME: Yep.

Susan: How about you suggest the next crook sends his wife to the bank?

ME: You think these guys want their wife to know they have a half million
dollars in gold?

Susan: Some won't but it's worth a shot.

ME: Ok, well it's time to go to my next meeting.

Susan: Good luck, bye.

ME: Bye.

[I make the call and set up the next appointment and meet the senator and
suggest he sends his wife to the bank since he has such a high profile. I give
him my cell phone number and go back to the hotel.]

Susan: How did that one go?

ME: Piece of cake, I'm set up to meet his wife at 2 in the afternoon tomorrow.

[Phone rings.]

ME: Hello.

Voice: Yes I'm senator Y's secretary, I'm calling to inform you that he has time
to meet in about one hour.

ME: What's that address again?

Voice: 1600 Pennsylvania avenue.

ME: Thank you, I'll be there.

Voice: Have a good day sir.

ME: You too.

Susan: Who was that?

ME: Another meeting, this one in one hour, looks like senators are harder
working than the general public gives the credit for, this one is working after
hours.

Susan: Haha, if you call taking bribes work.

ME: I'm worried.

Susan: What now.

ME: If these guys have me followed they'll probably have me robbed before I give
out all the gold and get the votes.

Susan: What can we do about that?

ME: I wonder how much it costs to get a safety deposit box?

Susan: $40 to $60 per year for a medium size one that would hold a bar of gold.

ME: So if we get 10 and get a $40 deal we can stash 10 at a time then just move
them to the senator's box that's a pretty good investment of $400.

Susan: Yes, but it would be better to get 70 and just sign over the ownership of
the boxes.

ME: $3,000 yikes.

Susan: Yep, but if you had the bars in safety deposit boxes the transactions
would be fast and smooth, I could even meet the wives and help you... and the
gold bars would be safe from robbery.

ME: How are we going to get that kind of weight into the bank? Your prince is
strong but even if I could carry 2 bars in one briefcase and 2 in another, that
would be over 100 lbs per trip and I would be making lots of trips, it's just
not going to work.

Susan: Hire Brinks.

ME: I don't want some employees handling the gold, they'll tell everyone.

Susan: Don't tell them it's gold.

ME: It's too heavy, what do you think they will think it is?

Susan: Dress it up as change, put some coins on top.

ME: Good idea.

ME: Ok, lets wrap this up.

[ I meet more and more senators, finally my phone is ringing all the time.]

ME: [To Susan.] We need to knock this out by Friday and get out of town.

Susan: That's not possible, setting up these meetings and transferring the gold
at the banks takes at least 1 hour each. That's over 2 weeks work.

ME: I'm to the point I'm just telling the senators on the phone to send someone
to meet me at the bank. They already know the routine.

Susan: I'll line up Brinks to make a transfer.

ME: Excellent, and I'll take a nap if this phone stops ringing.

Susan: Good news travels fast.

ME: Yes it does, it's easier to give away 40 million dollars in this town than I
though.

Susan: You mean 100 thousand.

ME: Whatever, bye.

Susan: Bye.

[An hour later Susan returns.]

ME: What's the news?

Susan: I got everything lined up.

ME: This is wearing me down. Including our expenses to Atlanta and all these
fees and hotel expenses, yada yada yada, I've put about 10 thousand dollars on
my credit card to give away this fools gold.

Susan: Yeah, but you are getting what you wanted. These guys are lining up like
hogs at the trough. We need more help, you and I can't pass out the gold as fast
as they are coming to get it.

ME: Let's set up a senator's wive's party in the bank meeting room and just call
them down, assign them their box, put it under their name and give them the key.

Susan: We need to keep records.

ME: I don't care, let's just try to catch any of the dirty bastards that try to
get into line twice and take a double share.

Susan: Fine.

[Everything goes as planned, all the gold is gone and the phone keeps ringing so
I just turn it off. We pack up and leave when the last box is assigned.]

ME: Well sweetheart, how did it feel to be the most popular lady in the world
for a few days?

Susan: I feel drained. It was more work than fun.

ME: Isn't it amazing. We went to D.C. and gave away what people thought was 40
million dollars and left and no one ever asked who we were.

Susan: Yeah, even the banker didn't take any information, I told him the boxes
would be assigned directly to our clients.

ME: How about Binks?

Susan: I told them it was a private run and paid them in cash.

ME: Can you think of any loose ends we left?

Susan: We used our real names at the motel but I don't think anyone knew where
we were staying.

ME: Let's go home.

[We drive back to Huntsville and Susan goes back to work. I'm hanging out at the
apartment and watching the news.

The photo op at Ft Knox is coming up in a few days. The internet rumor about the
gold being open for public viewing has pretty much been debunked. Still they are
expecting a few thousand people to show up.

The independent audit begins and as expected politicians come out in droves, the
media is in full force and president even shows up, I'm sure the plan to get the
trucks out the gate was a success.

The independent accounting firm issues a press release that says they'll be
releasing their report in about 10 days.

Another wild idea pops into my head. Susan comes home from work and I'm all
excited.]

ME: Welcome home.

Susan: How much coffee have you had?

ME: Probably too much, you know that caffeine is my drug of choice.

Susan: What are you up to now?

ME: I'm going to get an appointment with the guy who is head of the accounting
firm that is auditing the gold reserve.

Susan: Want for?

ME: I'm going to give him a gold bar and "influence" the count.

Susan: You need to let this go, he's not going to issue a false report, even if
you gave him all 5 bars that are left over.

ME: We'll see.

Susan: Even if you could bribe him to falsify his report, too many people in his
firm will know the truth. It would leak out. He simply can't do it, even if he
wanted to.

ME: Maybe not, but if I always gave up without even trying, I would never get
laid.

Susan: Go for it then, your mind is already made up.

[I've researched accounting company on the Internet and found the name of the
guy that's the head honcho. I call him.]

ME: Hello can I speak to Mr. Crane?

Operator: Who shall I say is calling?

ME: I'm calling on behalf of Sheikh Aladdin form Dubai.

Operator: One moment please.

Crane: Hello, may I help you.

ME: Yes, thank you, I'm Mr. B. I'm representing Sheikh Aladdin from Dubai we are
looking for an accounting firm to manage our transactions in the US.

Crane: I appreciate your call but we are very busy at this time, I don't think
we can take on any new clients.

ME: I understand but this is not urgent, we won't need these services for
several month, do you have anyone you can recommend?

Crane: We may be able to assist you in that time frame but we are very busy now.

ME: Do you have time to meet for 15 minutes tomorrow? I could give you the
outline of the services we will be needing before I fly out of the county. There
are a few confidential matters that I rather not discuss over the telephone.

Crane: I can squeeze in few minutes but we'll have to keep it short.

ME: I'll see you then. Bye.

[The next morning I'm thinking about what Susan said about giving him all 5 bars
that are left over and decide to pack 2 gold bars incase I sense that 1 isn't
enough. I go to the airport and fly to Baltimore and take a cab to the
accounting firms office.]

ME: Hi, I have an appointment with Mr. Crane.

Secretary: Yes, go on in, he is expecting you.

ME: Thanks.

[I enter and close the door and greet him.]

ME: Hello, thank you for seeing me in such short notice.

Crane: How can we help you?

[I open my briefcase and take out the gold bar and sit it on his desk. He calmy
removes the hand towel and lays it flat on the desk, he looks at me and says.

Crane: What do you want me to do with this?

ME: It's a retainer fee.

[He picks it up and puts it on a shelf near the window.]

Crane: Thank you, what kind of services will you be needing.

[ I'm taken back by his apparent lack of interest in the gold bar. I've seen the
most powerful senators almost wet their pants when I put a gold in front of
them.]

ME: Do you think it's a good idea to leave a half million dollar gold bar, just
setting on a shelf like that?

Crane: That bar is worth about 2 thousand dollars. It's got about 12 hundred
dollars worth of gold plating on a 800 dollar bar of titanium.

ME: How can you be so sure?

Crane: Easy, you can spot it from here 10 ft away.

ME: How?

Crane: It doesn't sit parallel on a flat surface. It was dipped in liquid gold
for the coating, rather than electrolysis plating method. The dipping method
results in the lower end having a thicker layer of gold.

ME: You are sure?

Crane: Go look closely at the narrow end, you'll see where a screw was removed
and the hole was patched - the screw was holding the titanium bar when it was
dipped.

[I get up and go check, sure enough, its patched.]

ME: I thought it was real. It has the same weight as gold.

Crane: You know its not real, what are you doing here?

ME: First, tell me why someone would use this method rather than electroplating?

Crane: Speed, dipping can be done in a fraction of the time it takes to use the
electrolysis method. It's a more expensive method of salting gold because
dipping leaves a thicker gold coating - a thicker coating reduces the chances of
detection by simply scratching.

ME: Interesting.

Crane: So, what are you doing here?

[ I hesitate, I'm trying to read this guy. should I show him my FBI badge? I
think he'll call my bluff.]

Crane: I expected someone would show up and pressure us to make our federal gold
audit numbers match the Federal Reserve's official records but I didn't expect
anyone to show up with a fake offering.

ME: The Federal Reserve's records don't match what's actually on reserve. They
are 1,000 tons short.

Crane: No one has suggested that to me.

ME: They won't.

Crane: Who are you? How do you know all this? Why are even telling me?

ME: I'm nobody, just a citizen. I'm telling you because I have a strong sense
that you are the first straight shooter I've met, and I've met the heads of
several major governmental agencies as well as most senators.

Crane: How can "just a citizen" be so important to meet all those big dogs?

ME: It was fate, that's the only thing I can rationalize. It doesn't make sense
to me either.

Crane: What's your purpose coming here and offering me this "retainer fee" as
you have put it?

ME: You are a critical "clog" in my elaborate scheme.

Crane: I am? Please explain.

ME: I'm first and foremost a citizen who is fed up with the way my country has
been run into the ground by the government corruption.

Crane: But you are apparently attempting to corrupt the count.

ME: The count is already corrupt.

Crane: Who is behind this? This fake gold bar is not easy or cheap to produce.

ME: I'm alone. I stole that bar.

Crane: How? From where?

ME: I located it in a warehouse in Atlanta.

Crane: What was this doing in a warehouse in Atlanta?

ME: Sitting there, waiting to be loaded on an airplane with a real gold shipment
to China.

Crane: Why is gold going to China, I haven't heard anything about that?

ME: Few people are aware of it, it's a covert operation to prevent the Chinese
from cutting off our credit and dumping our dollars. Which would cause the value
of the dollar to plummet on the world market.

Crane: Suppose all this is true, I still don't know why you are here.

ME: As you know congress voted to establish a flat sales tax and abolished the
income tax system.

Crane: How well I know, it will hit accounting firms like this one very hard.

ME: Sorry about that.

Crane: Continue.

ME: The question of what to do with the IRS came to light and the idea was put
forth to use it to regulate federal spending. If the IRS is directed to approve
spending before fraud is committed, the taxpayer's dollars will go twice as far.
Abuse of funds for pork barrel projects would be denied, rather than simply
reported after the checks were passed out.

Crane: Senators will never go along with that plan.

ME: 75 of them have taken one of those gold bars and pledged their vote for the
bill when it's proposed.

Crane: At this point I would normally be asking what are you smoking, but I
still haven't figured out why you have come here.

ME: The senator's will be convinced they have real gold if your audit shows 80
bars missing from the Fed's numbers. They will BELIEVE they have it.

Crane: Maybe, but we have the responsibility to report what we count truthfully
and accurately.

ME: You accountants are being hauled around to the same vaults and will
eventually count the same bars enough times to match the numbers they want you
to report. Your count is bogus anyway.

Crane: The senators will turn in their gold bars if they think they were stolen
from the Federal Reserve.

ME: [Laughing.] At this point sir I would like to know what you have been
smoking. You should have seen these pigs feeding at the trough. They lined up
and drew numbers, and waited their turns to put those bars in their safety
deposit boxes.

Crane: It's just not possible that you could have pulled off such a grand
scheme.

ME: Why would I be here today?

Crane: I'm not sure?

ME: Ok, I'll just leave you to think about this. If I were from the Federal
Reserve I would be asking you to make your numbers match.

Crane: You probably would. But if the numbers don't match there will be a
scandal.

ME: According to the Federal Reserves count, there are supposed to be almost 600
thousand gold bars on reserve, plus or minus 80 bars is insignificant.

Anyway, no matter what you report, they'll just offer a logical explanation.

Crane: Like what?

ME: If you report 80 bars are missing, they'll say something like this: The
Federal Reserve's gold count include over 3,000 lbs of rare gold coins that the
accounting firm did not include when they counted the physical bars.

Crane: Why do you think they'll offer that explanation?

ME: Maybe you'll suggest it as a possible reason for the discrepancy.

Crane: I will?

ME: Yes, if you decide you want to see a PEACEFUL revolution and save our
economy and our government from collapse.

Crane: So you think we need a revolution?

ME: Everything that survives has a built in self-correcting mechanism.

Crane: And a revolution is that mechanism that can save a nation?

ME: Thomas Jefferson, seemed to think so when he wrote the first sentence in the
The Declaration of Independence.

*******************

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to
dissolve the political bands which have connected them...

*******************

Crane: And you think your scheme will "dissolve political bands?"

ME: I'm convinced it can dissolve some "bands of political corruption." Do you
have a better idea?

Crane: I'll admit, you have laid a heavy trip on me.

ME: I suppose, but I'm not asking you to die for your country, all you need to
do is take a number and subtract 80 from it.

Crane: I can't give you my decision at this time. It would be very difficult to
tamper with the numbers my accounts report. And your visit here may be some kind
of test.

ME: It's a test alright, but it's not a math quiz.

Oh look at the time. I gotta run. I have a plane to catch. I'll know your
decision when your report makes the news in a few days.

Bye.

Crane: Bye.

[I leave and take a taxie to the airport, on the way I pull out the phone that
we used to make appointments with the senators. When I turn it on the mail box
is full. I have too many messages to listen to. I see the phone has had hundreds
of calls. I return to the airport and have to wait over 3 hours for a flight
back to Alabama. I get something to eat and go to the waiting room and watch the
news on tv. A couple hours pass and the cell phone rings.]

ME: Hello.

voice: Thank God, I have been trying to reach you for weeks.

ME: Who is this?

Voice: Senator Z.

ME: To what do I owe the pleasure of this call?

Senator: I seem to have been somehow left out of the campaign finance package
that you were offering.

ME: Sorry, the funding for that project has dried up.

Senator: Are you sure there isn't anything left for someone who is passionate
about the bill to flip the IRS? My office has invested quite a bit of our
resources and I have determined that the bill is worthy of my full support.

ME: Excellent, one more vote is always appreciated.

Senator: May I ask, who is going to introduce this bill?

ME: I don't know, my boss probably has someone in mind.

Senator: It would be my pleasure to introduce the bill.

ME: Maybe my boss will contact you, just make your position known through the
media. I'm fairly confident he reads the paper.

Senator: Could you put in a good word for me?

ME: My involvement in this matter was concluded when the funding dried up.

Senator: Perhaps I could offer you a fee for your services if you could make a
strong recommendation in my behalf.

ME: I don't think you can afford my services.

Senator: What kind of fees would you require?

ME: For a "solid gold" one time recommendation I suppose my services would be
available for 100 thousand dollars.

Senator: Wheww, that's quite steep.

ME: Yes, I know, but as my girlfriend sometimes reminds me: "Nothing ventured,
nothing gained."

Senator: Ok, I'll hire you and you'll be paid when the "details" are work out
with your boss.

ME: My boss is known for making quick decisions. If he likes your proposal and
decides to scrape the bottom of the barrer and help you with your campaign
finances can you deliver my fee to Logan Airport within 2 hours?

Senator: That's possible.

ME: I'll call you back within a half hour, you need to make your arrangements
and be ready for action.

Senator: Ok, call me back.

ME: Bye.

[Amazing, at first I had to beg senators to take the gold but now they are
willing to buy it.

After about 20 minutes I call Senator Z and tell him.]

ME: My boss is impressed by your enthusiasm. You need to send someone with my
fee to Logan International airport and I'll meet them and swap briefcases in the
parking garage.

Senator: How will I know my fees are safe?

ME: You won't, but remember YOU called me. I've got what you want, have your man
put my fee in a black briefcase and drive around in the upper parking deck with
his windshield wipers on. I'll find him and conclude this transaction.

Senator: Ok, he will be there in a few hours.

ME: I have other important business engagements to attend tonight if he is not
here within 2 hours, I'll be gone.

Senator: He'll be there within 2 hours, thanks for your assistance.

ME: Just one more thing.

Senator: What's that?

ME: You'll be contacted with the details of this bill you are so excited about
introducing.

Senator: Yes, but you know all bills have to include compromises in order to get
the votes that are needed to pass it.

ME: This bill already has the votes needed to pass.

Senator: Still there may be compromises.

ME: If the final bill does NOT give the IRS the authority to remove wasteful
spending BEFORE the checks are written for all federal programs, my boss will be
very disappointed. That's the only thing that matters to him. Is that clear?

Senator: Crystal.

ME: Excellent, whoever said that politics can't be fun?

Senator: Days like this make it exciting for sure.

ME: Yes indeed, take care, bye.

Senator: Bye.

[I'm glad I brought along that extra bar. I'll meet him and make the exchange
and get back to Alabama tonight. Susan won't believe the day I've had.

I get back to her apartment and get in bed. She wakes up and says.]

Susan: How was your day?

ME: Unrelievable.

Susan: Well you came home. At least you didn't get arrested.

ME: No, not even close.

Susan: What happened?

ME: The accounting guy spotted the fake gold instantly but I think we still have
a deal.

Susan: Why would he make a deal knowing the gold was fake?

ME: He may not, I just made the case that history is calling for him to step up
and left it at that.

Susan: You are implying you may have finally found an honest man - to make a
dishonest report?

ME: I hope so, maybe God can save Sodom and Gomorrah.

Susan: How could God use a dishonest man?

ME: Honesty was never the issue.

Susan: What was it then?

ME: It was RIGHTEOUSNESS.

Susan: What's the difference?

ME: Many of God's chosen people were dishonest - but righteous.

Susan: They were? I thought none were righteous?

ME: Bible says Noah was a righteous man.

Susan: Didn't he pass out drunk and naked in a tent?

ME: That's what I head.

Susan: Who else?

ME: Some who were in Jesus' blood lineage, for example Jacob deceived his father
and stole the birthright from brother, the Bible says Tamar was righteous even
though she deceived her father-in-law and had sexual intercourse with him to get
pregnant. Even John the Baptist lied and Jesus said that he was "Greatest born
of woman."

Susan: When did John lie?

ME: Jesus told his followers that John was the Elijah to come but when they went
and asked him, he said no he wasn't. So either Jesus or John lied.

Susan: But I thought Satan was the father of lies?

ME: I'm no theologian but it seems that God sometimes uses fire to fight fire.

Susan: And that's what you are doing?

ME: I suppose, but I haven't thought about it.

Susan: Well, it sounds like you may accomplish your goals, but you don't seem so
happy, I know you must be tired.

ME: I'm not that tired, I'm just a bit depressed.

Susan: Why?

ME: Let me tell you what else happened.

Susan: Shall we get up and put on a pot of coffee?

ME: No, I can sum it up.

Susan: Tell me, what did my little boy get into that makes him so sad?

ME: Remember the cell phone that we used to make the appointments and pass out
the gold?

Susan: Yes.

ME: Well I turned it on and about a couple hours later a Senator called, begging
for any left over campaign funds.

Susan: Haha, why does that not surprise me?

ME: Well, I had an extra gold bar and decided to "play" him.

Susan: You did?

ME: Yeah, it was just too easy.

Susan: What happened?

ME: He offered to introduce the bill AND I told him I didn't care about the bill
but for a fee I would make a recommendation on his behalf to my boss.

Susan: Who is your "boss" you keep mentioning?

ME: I have multitudes, they are watching my movie.

Susan: Oh I see. What about that fee?

ME: Yes, and within 2 hours a guy showed up with 100 thousand dollars cold cash
and we made the exchange for the extra gold bar I had taken along.

Susan: You did?

ME: Yep.

Susan: So you should be very happy.

ME: I should be, but do you realize that after we gave out a few gold bars we
could have been collecting 100 thousand dollars in fees for our services? We
could have easily left D.C. with at least 10% of the perceived value of the
gold. That's 4 million dollars. Thats why I'm depressed.

Susan: You would have been an idiot to think that no one would have had their
gold analyzed if they were paying for it. The whole scheme would have fallen
apart before we got out of town.

ME: Yeah, you are probably right.

Susan: Anyway, you came home with 100 thousand dollars. That will buy you two
nights of pleasure!

ME: I'm still pouting. 4 million dollars would have bought me a lifetime of
nights filled with pleasure.

Susan: Let go to sleep.

[Several months pass and congress passes the bill to have the IRS regulate
governmental spendings. Many congressmen were outraged. They couldn't believe
their colleagues had voted to take away their pork barrel spending but the
senators who passed the bill we on tv, claiming it was a righteous act that had
to be done to save the economy.

One day, I was with Susan in a drugstore and there was Professor's Beck's book
in the $2 bin.]

Susan: That is the guy who ripped off your ideas. You know he almost went crazy
trying to build a grass roots movement to put senators in office who would pass
the bill to flip the IRS?

ME: Oh really?

Susan: Yeah, and when the corrupt politicians in power passed the bill it was
too much for him to comprehend.

ME: I suppose Victor Hugo was right when he said: "You can resist an invading army
but you cannot resist an idea whose time has come."

[Break]


[I'm returning home from a workout at the gym and open the door and find 2 armed
men holding Susan at gun point. I immediately take out my FBI id and say.]

ME: FBI, STAND DOWN!

[They turn their weapons toward me in surprise.]

ME: I SAID STAND DOWN, holster your weapons.

[They look confused and nervous.]

[Susan speaks out.]

Susan: These guys claim I rented a truck that was used in a theft at an Atlanta
warehouse.

ME: Gentlemen, please holster your weapons. I'll explain.

[They look even more confused.]

ME: I'm an agent with the FBI, I used her identification without her knowledge
for an emergency covert operation.

Man 1: What do you have to say about the robbery?

ME: Who are you? I cannot divulge classified information in this manner.

Man 1: We are investigators from a top level department of the government.

ME: The FBI is the top level investigating department of the government. Where
is your identification?

Man 1: We don't have to show it to you.

ME: Is the way you normally run an interrogation... with weapons drawn?

Man 1: This is a very serious matter.

ME: Ok, I can see that you are serious, but she has nothing to do with this. We
need to go somewhere and talk.

Man 1: Ok, come with us.

ME: Susan, if I'm not back in three days. Call Jack Crawford.

Susan: Why should I wait 3 days?

ME: I think this matter can be resolved but I may have to take a trip with them.

Susan: Ok, 3 days, that's all.

ME: Let's go gentlemen.

Man 1: [To Man 2.] Check him for weapons.

Man 2: He is clean.

[We go to their car and I'm asked to sit in the front passenger seat. I feel
like I'm being kidnapped.

ME: Where are we going? I need to see your identification.

Man 1: Forget it. We are here to retrieve our gold.

ME: That won't happen.

MAN 1: Why not?

ME: It was given to congressmen. They have it in their own individual private
safety deposit boxes in various bank vaults.

Man 1: That can't be. Why would they have it?

ME: It was given to them as souvenirs.

Man 1: Do they know it was stolen?

ME: I don't know what they may or may not know. But I do know that I shouldn't
be discussing classified information to anyone who doesn't have security
clearance and especially to anyone who doesn't show any kind of identification.

Man 1: We are here to get it back by any means necessary.

ME: You better contact your boss and let him know that the wiser course of
action is to just let this matter go.

Man 1: He won't like that.

ME: Let me talk to him then.

Man 1: [To Man 2.] What do you think?

ME: It doesn't matter what he thinks. You need to get on your phone and let him
know that some top level decisions have to be made.

Man 2: I think we had better call him.

Man 1: Ok, I'll pull over and you watch him while I call the boss.

[Man 1: makes the call and comes back.]

Man 1: We are going on a road trip.

ME: I don't have my toothbrush.

Man 1: You won't need one if you fuck up this meeting.

ME: Sounds personal.

Man 1: Very.

ME: I'll keep that in mind. How long is the ride?

Man 1: We are going to Atlanta. Boss will fly there and meet us.

[About an hour into the ride I say.]

ME: Anyone else need to pee? I'm about to burst.

Man 1: We'll pull into the next rest stop.

[We pull into a rest stop and I start in. They follow and we take care of
business. When we get back to the car I open the back door and start to get in.

Man 1: Hold on, we want you in the front so we can keep an eye on you.

ME: Screw that, I'm going to lay down and take a nap. I want to meet the boss
and clear this up so you goons don't come back.

[I just get in the back seat. They look at each other and get into the front. We
ride for a while and the passenger starts to non a little and I carefully ease
my cell phone out of my pocket and turn off the ringer and put it under the
front seat.

We get to Atlanta and the driver gets a room at a motel. They escort me inside
and the driver leaves to go meet their boss.

About 2 hours later he returns with the man who came to meet me.]

ME: You know your guys have kidnapped an FBI agent. That's a serious offense.

Boss: I understood you bummed a ride to this meeting with them.

ME: They were threatening my girlfriend.

Boss: Your girlfriend rented a truck that was involved in a heist that removed
our merchandise from a warehouse near here.

ME: I told you assistants that I had borrowed her identification for an
emergency covert FBI operation and she had no knowledge.

Boss: My assistants tell me that some gold bars were given as souvenirs to
congress.

ME: I haven't seen anyone's identification. No one is cleared for classified
information.

Boss: I assure you we have property security clearance.

ME: You probably do but I don't think your escorts do. I can't say anymore about
this matter.

Boss: You will talk, one way or the other.

ME: I'll accept your credentials on faith and speak to you only.

Boss: [To his men.] You can wait outside. I'll call when I need you.

[The leave.]

ME: Thank you. Now we can discuss anything you want.

Boss: How did this happen?

ME: As you know, gold is easy to come by. You can buy enough for your project on
eBay. However the tungsten bars it coated were high quality. Tungsten has to be
highly refined to match the density of gold. As you know tungsten golf clubs
aren't nearly as heavy as those tungsten bars.

Boss: So?

ME: So there are only a few places in the world to get tungsten that quality.

Boss: Continue.

ME: As you know, the NSA monitors all communications that are connected with
precious metals, uranium being a precious metal that is highly valued by
terrorist. The NSA picked up information that someone was looking to purchase a
large order of refined titanium and thought it should be investigated so they
turned over the information to the FBI to determine if it was connected to
terrorism.

Boss: And?

ME: We determined that it wasn't terrorist related but we were suspicious and
kept an investigation open. We did not know about the plot to use the hijacking
diversion to get the gold out of Ft. Knox and ship it to China until after the
hijacking attempt was foiled.

Boss: Still, how did you suspect anything and know where to find our gold?

ME: We thought that secretly shipping 403 tones of gold would be too tempting an
opportunity for some of it to disappear.

Boss: How did that lead to our bars in the warehouse?

ME: When the FBI became involved with the plot to secretly ship the gold to
China, we did a through investigation of all routes and stages of the operation.
We discovered your gold coated titanium in the warehouse because we use the DOT
to check all shipments that were there when the original diversion took place.
Your container came from a suspicious address. And it was still sitting in the
warehouse. That made it highly suspect.

Boss: Why was it suspicious?

ME: Because the factory you shipped it from mainly ships liquids. We first
suspected it may be a bomb that was intended to be loaded on the flight with the
gold. We though the gold would be unloaded somewhere in route, perhaps where the
plane fueled up before making the long flight over the Pacific Ocean. Then once
the gold was unloaded the plane would be blow up... causing everyone including
the Chinese to think the gold was at the bottom of the Pacific. The gold would
disappear and the Chinese would be pissed at Ben Laudin.

Boss: So you checked the container?

ME: Yes, however when we realized it wasn't a bomb we didn't know what action,
if any, we should take but we did take a bar to be analyzed. When we realized
the fake bars were such poor quality we knew that the Chinese would identify it
and they would be very unhappy.

Boss: But the bars were perfect replicas, exact same size, weight, shape etc.

ME: Our experts realized they were fake simply by looking at them 10 ft away,
there is no way they would have fooled the Chinese. They gold coating was not
evenly applied and the screw holes that held the titanium when it was dipped
were obvious.

Boss: We thought we had done a good job.

ME: Far from it, you could have used electroplating and perhaps turned out a
more convincing product.

Boss: Still, we want that gold back.

ME: That won't happen unless you go ask the senators to give it to you.

Boss: We may do that. Why would you give it to senators?

ME: We had our reasons but it doesn't matter. Look, you just have to face the
reality, you made a 200 thousand bet that you could end up with 40 million
dollars worth of gold and you simply lost the bet. You would be wise to cut your
losses and regroup.

Boss: Should we?

ME: I will tell you that we don't have a clue who you are, other than the fact
that we can assume you had knowledge of the original attempt to ship the gold to
China. Unless you do something stupid in the future that is highly illegal or a
threat to the security of the United States, you are in the clear.

Boss: What are we to do with you?

ME: Take me to the bus station and send me back to Huntsville. If I come up
missing someone will look for me. Your only problem is that you lost a bet. Shit
happens.

Boss: Ok, but you had better forget about this. If I hear about you making a
report it won't be over.

ME: Look at the time. I've got to go.

[Boss calls the men and tells them to put me on a bus. I return to Huntsville
and call Susan to come pick me up at the bus station.]

Susan: What happened? I was scared shitless.

ME: Yeah, that was quite serious. I finally convinced them that they should look
at it as if they lost a bet and there was nothing to do but move on.

Susan: And they let it go? Just that simple?

ME: The boss was smarter than those goones he sent.

Susan: How can we feel safe and live stress free after that?

ME: Life's a bitch then you die.

Susan: Please be serious about this. I'm afraid.

ME: I understand but I lived on the run a couple years, hiding and worrying
about getting caught ever waking minute. I can assure you that is not any way to
live.

Susan: So that's the end of it?

ME: Maybe not.

Susan: You aren't seriously thinking about messing with these guys are you?

ME: They put their pants on one leg at the time, just like I do.

Susan: This is one time that I don't find a brave, macho man attractive. I
rather have a smart, healthy, live one.

ME: Wouldn't you like to know who these guys are?

Susan: It's pretty obvious to me that they climbed out of the sewer.

ME: But you stole their gold.

Susan: We thwarted a major international incident. The Chinese would have found
the salted bars.

ME: Yes, we are so righteous. Have you thought of running for congress?

Susan: I would have a bar of fake gold in my safety deposit box.

ME: You have 3 under your bed.

Susan: I don't need to run for office then.

ME: Anyway, let me tell you something.

Susan: What?

ME: While on the way I turned off the ringer on my cell phone and hid it in
their car.

Susan: So?

ME: So Jack can track it and find out who these guys are.

Susan: Then he would know about the plot to swap the gold and our scheme to use
him to get the OSHA job. And our warehouse robbery and all our criminal
activities.

ME: I don't think I'll mention any of that.

Susan: Then how would you convince him to track your cell phone?

ME: I've been down this road before... I'll think of something if you don't.

Susan: I think it's a bad idea to mess with those guys.

ME: I don't want to mess with them. I just want to find out who they are and how
are they connected at such a top level that they had advance knowledge about the
secret gold shipment, so they could get fake gold ready to swap for real gold.

Susan: I'm sure Ben knows. They are probably his cronies.

ME: Why didn't Ben show up himself? He bragged that I was at a meeting with him
and said I was starting at the top. He clearly thinks he is the top dog.

Susan: A top dog sends people to do their dirty work.

ME: Sometimes, but I believe that if I had scammed him for a quarter million
dollars and caused him to lose 40 million, he would have personally shown up.

Susan: Not if he knows it was you - the guy in the meeting. He would send
someone else.

ME: Maybe you are right.

Susan: So there is no reason to mess with those guys, even just to find out who
they are.

ME: Consider this, suppose senators discover their gold is fake.

Susan: We'll have a lot more problems than we just had with those thugs coming in
here with guns drawn and forcing you to go for a ride. Anyway, I thought you
were confident the plan to report gold missing from the reserves would convince
senators they had the real thing.

ME: Still it wouldn't hurt to have a backup plan, a plan that would point to
another branch of the government, or somewhere, rather than to us.

Have you considered what a mess it would be should senators have their pride
injured?

Susan: It would definitely shake things up, but probably not for the good of the
country.

ME: How could this be leverage for the sake of the people?

Susan: What do you mean?

ME: When my dad got out of college in the 70's he was able to get a pretty good
job and make enough money that he had some disposable income. He was able to
build a home, buy some land and he even took up a hobby of flying. He had a
couple boats and he even bought a brand new pickup. By the mid 80's he was just
barely getting by. There was no disposable income for him or millions more like
him. Since 2000, he has been out of work more than he has been employees and the
last 6 months he hasn't been able to find any job at all.

Susan: Maybe he isn't trying that hard?

ME: When I talked to him he motioned that he has applied for 2 or 3 jobs every
week. He is only getting by because he has been selling off his property.

Susan: Yes, the economic conditions and standard of living for most Americans
has come down to that equal or below underdeveloped third world countries. But
there is nothing that can be done about it. We have just lost our wealth.

ME: We have lost a lot wealth but we haven't lost it all.

Susan: What do you mean?

ME: There has been a major shift of wealth, not only overseas but to a very few
Americans. The wealthiest 3% have more wealth than the 97% below them and the
wealthiest 1% have more wealth than the entire bottom 50%.

Susan: Well they worked for it, capitalism is designed to reward those who
provide goods and services society wants and needs.

ME: Yes, thats the ideal but within 100 short years after our government was
established the leaders began to realized that it was too easy for some sectors
of commerce to exploit the consumers.

Susan: They did?

ME: Yes, by 1890 they had established antitrust laws that prevented companies
that had become monopolies from eliminating competition.

Susan: Yeah, I remember a quote made by John D Rockefeller that said all
competition is evil.

ME: That's the view of any business, even if you are just selling flowers on the
corner. When you see another person across the street selling flowers too, you
realize that your sales will be cut in half.

Susan: So tell me, what has this got to do with the current situation?

ME: Well, congress went on to apply the antitrust laws to break up Standard Oil,
At&t and other businesses that had become too strong for any competition to
penetrate their markets. And congress used antitrust laws to protect citizens
from being exploited by electric companies, water and sewage utilities, and
other areas of commerce where it would be impractical for consumers to be
offered a choice.

Susan: How did that work?

ME: Essentially the regulated profits these monopolies could make, making the
goods and services affordable to the public.

Susan: That's anti-capitalistic.

ME: Capitalists would look at it that way, however it did work to make the
capitalism system survive for another hundred years.

Susan: I guess it's still working.

ME: Not very well.

Susan: Why do you say that?

ME: As elected officials became more and more corrupt they started taking
payoffs and turned their heads to allow consumer to be exploited.

Susan: Like how?

ME: Duhh, like every sector that is connected with essential goods and services
such as health, energy and banking.

Susan: It's impossible to do anything about that. The consumer has lost the
battle.

ME: Yes, the consumer has lost the battle but the war isn't over.

Susan: What do you mean?

ME: What if the government was on the side of the PEOPLE? Congress would set
profit margins for all essential goods and services and for example, all
insurance companies would be required to return dividends to their customers
after claims had been paid each year.

Susan: Dividends?

ME: Yeah, I guess that's what you might call them. It would be like the tax
refunds that the IRS sometimes returns to people who overpaid during the year.

Susan: I wonder what a gallon of gas would cost at the pump if the oil companies
were only allowed to make 10% profit?

ME: I'm sure it would be a lot less since you can buy a gallon of gas in some
countries today for 14 cents, where the oil companies are non-profit.

Susan: But as you mentioned, congress is corrupt, they have been bought out, or
hired to work for big business rather than the people.

ME: Yes, everyone knows that. But that's got to be changed.

Susan: You think voters can hire back the corrupt politicians? I don't think so,
they would all, or at least a majority, have to be voted out of office to be
replaced.

ME: Now you are talking like professor Beck. Remember he went insane trying to
get voters to replace corrupt politician with righteous ones.

Susan: But you are out of fake gold offerings and even if you had all the gold
in the Federal Reserve it may not be enough to "buy back" the power from
congress and give it back to the people.

ME: There must be some way to wage war between the government and the big
business who are pulling the puppet strings.

Susan: Dream on. Congressmen, and women, have the best job in the world. They
can set their own salary and collect billions from labor unions and big
businesses and they even set their own punishment or simply ignore the laws of
the land. It's called congressional immunity. They have established a system of
corruption that is the envy of every crime syndicate in the world. In one year
alone, 1998, they used congressional immunity 83 times when stopped for drunk
driving. 

ME: I thought they had solved that problem by having 2 senators from every state.

Susan: How?

ME: One was supposed to be the designated driver.

Susan: Haha

ME: But nevertheless there is strife between puppet and master.

Susan: Like what?

ME: Only a few months ago the masters came to the puppets with hat in hand
begging for a trillion dollar hand out to stay afloat.

Susan: They got it too.

ME: Yep, and they may get it again and again, but old timers know that if you go
to the well too often, you'll eventually find that it has dried up.

Susan: I guess so.

ME: Isn't it ironic that consumers bought millions of houses and turned around
and SOLD them to capitalist bankers for MORE than they were worth, pocketed the
loans and then told the bankers they could have the houses?

Susan: Haha, seems the public did "get over" on the system.

ME: Yes, a few million did. It started a vicious circle. The citizens ripped off
the banks and the banks went to congress to rip off the citizens.

Susan: So we should take out loans and then say "oops" the money is gone, can't
pay you back.

ME: It may not be so easy to fool the bankers a second time.

Susan: That's true.

ME: Congress got squeeze because they were caught in the middle of it all. I
wonder what a little more pressure would do? You never know which straw it will
be that breaks the camel's back.

Susan: Yea, but you can make a prediction.

ME: I predict there is quite a bit of tension between big business and congress.
Congress is paying off big business. It used to be the other way around. What if
you boss started making YOU pay to come to work?

Susan: I would give him the pink slip.

ME: Haha, so would I... if I had a job.

Susan: Speaking of jobs, how long are you going to be writing these screenplays
that no one seems to be knocking down the door to buy?

ME: I suppose I'll keep doing it until the phone rings and I get a job...or the
electric company comes and turns off the power. But even then I'll have a pen
and paper and I'll just keep writing.

Susan: Speaking of electric bills, I think it's your turn to pay this one.

ME: I'll see if I can take out a loan.

Susan: You do that. And when you don't pay it back the bankers will have to go
to congress again. Your bad loan may be that straw that breaks the camel's back.

ME: Could be, but I really don't what to break the camel's back. It's not good
for the camel or anyone else. It would be a collapse of the entire system.

Susan: I thought you wanted to create conflict between government and big
business and destroy the entire system?

ME: No, not at all. That would be like throwing the baby out with the bathwater.
The system needs to be fixed. I don't seek destruction, only realignment.

I see the world as a rubix cube that has potential if the puzzles are solved.

Susan: So you are a dreamer.

ME: I'm not the only one... many people believe in the kingdom of heave on earth.
The challenge is that men of violence take it by force.  Not always military but
mostly through economic and political oppression.

Susan: So how are you going to fix it then?

ME: Jesus, how did I get myself into this situation?

Susan: What do you mean?

ME: I just laid out a big problem with no solution.

Susan: And you wonder why no one is buying your books or making your movies. You
had better grab a rake and start walking around the neighborhood and see if you
can find someone who will pay you 5 or 10 dollars to rake their lawn.

ME: That's so depressing. How could I go from giving away 40 million dollars one
week to raking leaves for spare change the next?

Susan: It happens, in 1966 Aaron Neville had a hit song, Tell it like it is,
that reached #2 on the charts. It made millions. But poor Aaron didn't get paid.
A few short months later he was back at the docs in New Orleans, in the hole of
a ship unloading freight for minimum wages.

ME: Yea, but he still had his voice and made a comeback with Linda Ronstadt 20
years later.

Susan: Maybe in 20 years you'll come up with something so you can pay the
electric bill. In the meanwhile, turn off all the lights when I leave for work
and don't watch tv.

ME: [Turn up the tv, Rod Stewart singing.] Have I told you lately that I love
you.

Susan: [Rolls here eyes.]

[Susan goes on an errand and I'm left to ponder.... what can possibly be done to
shake up the "you wash my back and I'll wash yours" arrangement between
government and business. How can the system be fixed to work for the people the
way it once did?

Susan returns.]

Susan: You don't look so excited, are we out of coffee?

ME: I don't think coffee will be strong enough to solve this problem. I'll
probably need some crystal meth.

Susan: Want me to see if I can score some?

ME: No, I read that it rots your teeth and I don't have any insurance.

Susan: Congress passed a health care bill. The government will fix them.

ME: You got to be joking, the only thing that will come out of that health care
bill is a $750 tax... that people can't afford.

Susan: Well they'll have to afford it or they'll be tossed in jail like a guy
who fails to pay child support.

ME: Isn't that ironic, when I go to jail I'll be given free health care - for
not being able to afford health insurance.

Susan: It's a crazy system when you put it that way.

ME: Yep, anyway, I can't help but wonder who those guys were. I don't think they
are in the government. They are connected with big business.

Susan: Maybe, but what difference does it make?

ME: How could big business be connected with the Federal Reserve in such a way
that they would have known about the secret gold transfer to China?

Susan: I don't think you have the resources to figure that out.

ME: I know. I'll just have to ask Jack to find out. He has the resources of the
entire FBI.

Susan: Yea, but if he brings those guys in for questioning or arrests them it
will be very bad news for us. And you would have so much explaining to do to
convince Jack to take on another assignment from you.

ME: Maybe not, by nature the FBI is primary an INVESTIGATION organization, they
monitor thousands of criminals and terrorist - that they have sufficient
evidence to lock up and put away. But they just sit back and watch them and use
them to gain more important information.

Susan: Yea, like a cop will try to follow a street dealer to the distributor.

ME: Exactly, so I'm going to take a chance and call Jack and just give him
enough taste of this thing to make him curious.

Susan: You had better not say too much. This is a very delicate situation.

ME: Umm, do you want to talk to him?

Susan: No way. I don't even know him.

ME: Ok, I'll call him later but I got to get another cell phone.

Susan: I suppose you need to borrow some money.

ME: Naturally, honey bunny.

[I buy a phone and call Jack's secretary.]

ME: Hello, I need to speak with Jack Crawford.

Secretary: Who is calling please?

ME: Agent Mr. B. I met you a while back when I flew up from Memphis for a
meeting there with Jack.

Secretary: Hold please.

Jack: I thought I told you not to call my secretary.

ME: You did, but I lost my cell phone, can you call me back?

Jack: Why? I thought we had concluded business when I helped you get that OSHA
job. By the way, what are you doing with them now? The director called me the
other day and said you hadn't picked up any of your paychecks.

ME: Damn, I thought I had set up a direct deposit. I guess you'll be looking to
arrest me for writing bad checks. I'll get on that right away. But for now, call
me right back.

Jack: What is it this time? Did you stumble upon a box of bad lettuce?

ME: No, it was bad oranges, you should see the green fuzzy mold that is covering
them.

Jack: You'll have to call waste management, they take out the trash.

ME: You do too, so call me so I can tell you where to make the pickup.

Jack: Ok but you better have something important.

[I hang up and wait for Jack to call back.]

Jack: Ok, what's up?

ME: Some goons payed me a visit and kidnapped me and took me to Atlanta to meet
with someone who questioned me about the gold transfer.

Jack: According to my information that deal went as expected. Everyone is happy.

ME: Obviously not. I was taken into "custody" and questioned.

Jack: By who?

ME: They would not show me any identification.

Jack: Who did they say they were with? What did they ask?

ME: They said they were with a top level department of the government but I'm
almost certain that they weren't.

Jack: Why?

ME: They behaved like thugs and they were not using a government vehicle. Also,
their threats were physical, not like yours to lock me up.

Jack: Did you forget that I said that I could shoot you?

ME: You said you "could" they said they "would"..that's a big difference to me.

Jack: What did they want to know?

ME: They were looking for missing gold and though I had information about where
it may be located.

Jack: What did you tell them?

ME: I told them I didn't know anything about any missing gold. It was clear to
me that they had been involved with the plot to make the transfer from the very
beginning. I couldn't pretend I had no knowledge at all.

Jack: And they just let you go?

ME: I told them you had it.

Jack: We don't have any gold.

ME: I know. I didn't say you specifically, I just implied that there were
numerous governmental agencies that could be holding any missing gold and that I
was just a little man and didn't know anything.

Jack: Well this is all fascinating but what do you want me to do about it?

ME: Remember I told you that I had lost my cell phone?

Jack: Yes.

ME: Well I lost it under the seat of their car. I figured you had the resources
to find it for me.

Jack: So you want me to use the resources of the FBI to find your $19 cell
phone?

ME: Yeah, that's pretty much why I'm calling.

Jack: You are an idiot.

ME: Oh really? I think you are the idiot.

Jack: Why?

ME: Because you went to a LOT of trouble to convince me to come to D.C., create
my phony background and pay for air travel, hotel, food, sit yada yada yada,
ONLY to try to get Ben to tip his hand.

Jack: And I owe you a favor so you want me to find your cell phone?

ME: Jack, Jack, Jack, did you sleep through classes during FBI school? You have
an opportunity to find out who was involved in that scheme. Didn't someone
mention that "knowledge is power" at the FBI academy?

Jack: So we find your phone and gain insight as to who was involved in the
scheme to send China the gold, then what?

ME: Jack, this isn't over. Someone is missing gold that they think is theirs.
Remember I told you that they probably ordered so many extra trucks to make it a
shell game because they didn't trust each other?

Jack: Yes, so you think someone got some of the gold?

ME: The possibilities are endless... the Chinese may have only demanded 400 tons
of gold, leaving the parties who made the arrangements 3 or 4 tons of gold to
split up. For all we know the Chinese were never involved at all. Someone may
have been robbing it all.

Jack: We tracked the gold. It ended up in China.

ME: Did you track the weight too? It's just too easy for something to fall off a
truck, as crooks put it when they try to sell a hot dvd player.

Jack: I'll see if we can find out who has your cell phone.

ME: Just leave me out of it. If you find my phone just throw it away.

Jack: It's probably in a rental car.

ME: Someone had to have rented it, you can't even rent a truck without people
finding out about it. Anyway, some kind of internal conflict is going on that
probably won't go away. I would think that it would be to your advantage to have
some knowledge of the players who are involved when this comes to a head.

Jack: I agree. Thanks for the heads up.

ME: You have my new cell phone number, call if you need to bring me up from
reserves. And thanks for telling me that OSHA didn't deposits my checks.

Jack: Welcome, bye.

ME: Bye.

[I go back to the apartment.]

ME: Hello sweetheart.

Susan: Don't sweetheart me, get a rake and go look for a job.

ME: I have a job and I have a pile of paychecks waiting for me to cash.

Susan: Where? No way.

ME: Way.

Susan: Where?

ME: OSHA kept me on the payroll, Jack said they called him and asked if he knew
why I hadn't picked them up.

Susan: What did you say?

ME: I said I have been writing bad checks because I thought I was set up for
direct deposits.

Susan: You always have the bs ready to flow.

ME: I guess I did that time.

Susan: What is Jack going to do?

ME: He is going to try to find my missing phone.

Susan: Then what?

ME: I don't know but I'm sure he will figure out who was working with Ben and
keep an eye on their activities. I told him that some goons had questioned me
about missing gold and there was probably conflict and betrayal among the
parties involved with the gold transfer. Jack assured me that the gold had been
delivered to China but he had no way of knowing how much weight was delivered.

[Watching the news with Susan.]

Reporter: Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, today committed the United States
to 100 billion dollars per year to address the climate change needs of
developing countries.

[I turn off the tv in disgust.]

Susan: What now?

ME: This pisses me off to no ends.

Susan: Why?

ME: Several reasons, first we need those resources to help our own citizens, we
have 1.5 million kids here is America that are hungry, thousands sick and
homeless, but our government had rather put money in the pockets of foreign
dictators instead. It makes me cry.

Susan: But even if you don't believe there is climate change, you still
understand there is a need to reduce pollution.

ME: Yes I agree, but why must we shoulder the burden.

Susan: Because the USA is the major contributor to world pollution. We only have
4% of the world's population, yet we contribute 25% of the worlds pollution.

ME: I'm so sick of hearing that. It's total nonsense.

Susan: It's a fact, a commonly known statistic.

ME: You know what they say about statistics?

Susan: What?

ME: Statistics are like a bikini, what the reveal is interesting but what the
conceal is vital.

Susan: So what do you think is concealed in those statistics?

ME: Ok, let's pretend you are the USA and I'm some small developing mining
country in Africa.

Susan: Ok, continue.

ME: I use a few machines that burn diesel fuel to dig up the earth, maybe the
equivalent of a few dozen trucks on you highways.

Susan: Ok, your country is not polluting the environment.

ME: Wait, I take my profits and buy 10,000 automobiles from your Ford and GM
plants... if GM is still open for business.

Susan: Ok.

ME: Do you realize how much an automobile contributes to world pollution just in
the manufacturing process?

Susan: Some I guess.

ME: Some? Think of the pollution created to make the tires, the pollution your
steel mills are pumping into the air to make the frame and body, the highly
toxic pollution your companies are producing to make batteries.

Susan: I suppose it's quite a bit.

ME: Yeah, and you are to blame for all that pollution.

Susan: Not exactly, if you didn't buy those cars we would not have polluted.

ME: Exactly my point, you get the blame for OUR indirect pollution. The USA is
making products that go out all over the world but the US is left to clean up.

Susan: We just have to include cleanup in the cost when we sell to them.

ME: And that will jack our prices up and we won't be competitive and they will
buy their automobiles from other countries.

Susan: Then they'll have to clean up the pollution.

ME: Who will make them? No one. In the end they have taken your sales then your
government says 100 billion dollars a year in your taxes will be paid to clean
it up their pollution. How long can that last?

Susan: Not long I guess.

ME: Me either.

Susan: Calm down Mr. B. Your head is about to explode. You can't fix everything.

ME: I know.

Susan: How are you going to "dissolve the bands" that have put consumers at a
disadvantage with Government and commerce?

ME: Maybe I'll rent a bunch of classic movies that deal with the subject of
power struggle like "The Lion in Winter" and figure out something.

Susan: Almost all movies deal with struggle and conflict.

ME: How are the struggles resolved between three parties.

Susan: Usually the stronger two squash the weaker and then they peacefully enjoy
the spoils.

ME: But if the people are squashed, government and commerce no longer have a
purpose. There is NO government or commerce on Mars because there are no people
there.

Susan: Good point, so if the system is to survive...

[I butt in.]

ME:...there has to be some self-correcting mechanism.

Susan: Yes, all you have to do is find and implement it.

ME: When are you going to offer a solution? The last time you had an idea it was
to hire Brinks to tote the gold from the van to the vault.

Susan: My roll is a supporting character. I wouldn't want to steal the spotlight
from the leading man.

ME: Well whisper in my ear and tell me, then I'll take credit.

Susan: If I blow in your ear you'll be bringing me flowers tomorrow.

ME: Yep, if they still take your credit card at the flower shop.

Susan: You had better not be buying my flowers with my credit card.

ME: Hey, I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat.

Susan: Grrr.

[Break]

[Couple weeks later - Susan comes home from work.]

ME: Welcome home sweetheart, I'm making dinner, the house is clean, laundry is
done, I bought you some fresh flowers.]

Susan: Excellent, but why do I suspect you have been looking at porn on the
internet?

ME: There is porn on the internet? I never knew that.

Susan: What do you do on the internet all day long then?

ME: Research.

Susan: What kind of research.

ME: Army training sir... haha.. No, I'm trying to figure out who is really
running the government.

Susan: Many people have concluded that no one is running the government, they
haven't solved any big problems since they built the Hover Dam to keep the
lights on at the crap tables in Vegas.

ME: That would be funny if it wasn't the truth. But didn't you forget they put
men on the moon?

Susan: Yea, if they hadn't brought back all that green cheese we would have
starved by now.

ME: You sure are sassy today.

Susan: Ok, what are you up to?

ME: In trying to figure out who is running the government, it seems that there
are a lot of influence including the media, Federal Reserve, CIA, labor unions,
foreign powers, big business, of course everyone making a campaign contribution
gets the ear of congressmen.

Susan: So you haven't narrowed it down much?

ME: No, The only conclusion I can reach is that it's not the people.

Susan: It all comes down to one question: "How can the power be returned to the
people?"

ME: Congress must expand and enforce anti-trust regulations to protect citizens
from price gouging from all industries that provide essential goods and
services.

Susan: Won't limited profits crush innovation, research and development?

ME: That issues will have to be addressed.

Susan: Yeah, as they say "the Devil is in the details" So what's your plan?

ME: I need a plan that would motivate congress to limit profits. But business
will fight that to the death.

Susan: What did you think? Did you think there would be some nice way, some
sweet way to do it? You should study Theodore Roosevelt. Within two weeks of
taking office as president he said that the nation had to take control and
supervise "great cooperations." He said that the government was responsible to
protect the public against monopolist abuse.

He went on to establish a division in the department of justice that was charged
with the responsibilities to conduct investigations and compile data concerning
cooperations. His efforts were carried into the next administration under
President Taft.

ME: Wow, you have been doing your homework! I'm impressed.

Susan: What were you doing all day?

ME: I milked the chickens.

Susan: What does that mean?

ME: Is a term that basically means going in circles, it's a type of script where
there are random flashbacks and disconnects and the audience doesn't know
anything and even when they are done watching they don't know anything.

Susan: You think that kind of movie script will sell?

ME: There have been a lot of them made, for example Fight Club, A Clockwork
Orange, some of the Matrix movies, 2001 A Space Odyssey, and many more that
attempt to leave the viewer to their own imagination about how to interpret the
movie. Was it a dream or reality? Why did it end like that, it doesn't make
sense.

Susan: I thought the point of your script was rescue the American consumer from
the evil capitalist empire and their price gouging.

ME: You've just presented the blue print to accomplish that.

Susan: How?

ME: Someone just has to wake up the Department of Justice's antitrust division.
They already know what to do, if not they can dust off the 100 year old
Roosevelt manuals and catch up.

Susan: Sounds easy enough.

ME: Congress will have to pass broader laws to regulate entire industries.

Susan: I saw on the Department of Justice antitrust web page that they currently
have about 1,500 cases in court. Looks like they are trying.

ME: I guess they need some of the surplus IRS labor force to come in like the
Calvary.

Susan: Do you think a Calvary of any size can break the morale of capitalism?

ME: We don't want to break it, just throttle it to the good of mankind.

Susan: But you are proposing the equal distribution of wealth, a Marksist
ideology.

ME: Not equal, but fair. I don't see economic justice in taking away a person's
house when they need medicine or taking away a child's education when their
parents are forced to overpay for fuel to commute to work.

The anti-trust laws need to work. I only want to stop businesses from cheating
customer when they have an unfair advantage. I want to give consumers disposable
income.

Susan: If consumers have disposable income, they will just dispose of it.

ME: I'm sure they would, but rather than 97% of capital going to 3% of the
population, the wealth would be more evenly distributed.

Susan: Spread the wealth huh?

ME: I have no problem with that. Let consumers decide.

Susan: We see how that has worked, consumers decided to buy foreign goods and
send their disposable income to China.

ME: Yean, I guess the wealth will continue to go to either a very few fat cats
or to foreign countries offering cheap goods. We should be thanking the
government and big businesses for gouging us and doing what's in our best
interest - keeping the wealth at home - out of the hands of foreign governments.

I suppose there is nothing left to do but bring out the dancing bears on
tricycles to entertain he audience.

Susan: There goes my academy award for supporting actress.

ME: Well to quote Homer Simpson, "We have tried and failed, now we have learned
a valuable lesson."

Susan: What's the valuable lesson?

ME: Homer said: "Now we know to never try again."

Susan: Don't worry, time is a great teacher.

ME: Maybe, but unfortunately it kills all it's students.

Susan: I doubt you'll get any votes with that defeatists attitude.

ME: I'm not running for any office.

Susan: I know, but what would you do if you were in charge and had the keys to
the kingdom?

ME: Oh it would be so radical you don't want to hear it.

Susan: The Declaration of Independence and the Constitution were very radical.

ME: Ok, first I would have top economist work on a plan to set profit caps on
businesses that provide essential goods and services while allowing them
sufficient profit to innovate. Antitrust regulations would be expanded and
enforced.

Susan: Yes, you have mentioned that, what else?

ME: Next, I would establish a national public service program for all young
people. We are spending much more to fight crime and to build prisons and
incarcerate criminals than we do on education. Reduction in the crime rated
should start with educating and training our young people to be civic minded.

At high school graduation, or no later than 18 years of age, every young person
would be required to enter a 4 year public service program where teamwork, self
discipline are taught and drug use - including smoking - would not be allowed.

During their public service they could do voluntary work for public programs and
work on their college degree or support our military or learn a trade by doing
voluntary work for a small business where in return for their labor they would
be taught a trade. This would help small businesses succeed. Men AND women would
be required to participate.

The success of America today is largly due to the "greatest generation" who
fought in WW2 because they were exposed to military-style leadership and that
sense of everybody in an enterprise pulling towards a common goal, and then that
carrying on through the rest of their lives. Now, we get the short-sighted,
numbers-focussed "leadership"increasingly run by groups of investors who put
intense pressure to make the quarterly numbers any way possible... make money
for me NOW or you're fired!

Susan: What will you do about the women who have babies?

ME: They'll have to extend their terms of service to work in daycare to repay the
system for the daycare they were provided. But like the military, pregnancy will
be seriously discouraged.

Susan: What do you mean? You can't regulate pregnancy.

Me: The US Army has already made pregnancy a punishable offence including court
martial and possible jail time.

Susan: Amazing. But this system will be very expensive.

ME: Yes but several nations, as well as many religious groups have realized the
value of giving young people "missions" in public service to prepare them for
their future and help mold them into better citizens.

Susan: I don't know who would oppose that. It doesn't seem so radical. 
What are your radical ideas?

ME: My most radical idea would be to offer the Jewish people refuge in the US
and withdraw military troops from the middle east.

Susan: There is no way they will leave their homeland, it's sacred.

ME: Maybe the preservation of their lineage is more sacred.

Susan: Why do you think their lineage is under threat?

ME: Ahmadinejad demanded that "Israel must be wiped off the map" in a public
broadcast and that seems to be the attitude of the majority of Arabic world. No
one can find or offer any solution to the violence, so Israel is getting bombed
every few days.

If the Arabs want them gone so badly, why would it be impossible to think that
someone couldn't broker a buyout?

Susan: That's an interesting theory but I don't think they will sell.

ME: It really doesn't matter what they think. It's just a matter of time before
Iraq gets the atomic bomb and drops it on them, killing everyone anyway. Hillary
Clinton already said that WHEN IT HAPPENS the US will retaliate with nuclear
weapons. I think "obliteratino" was the exact word she used.

They know better than us what is coming, Israel has began distributing gas masks
to its entire population and their officers can't travel outsice their country
without fear of being arrested for war crimes actions including the killing of
1,400 Palestinians. 

Susan: And you think the nation of Israel would be welcomed to come here?

ME: We are sending our sons and daughters to die for them. Wouldn't it
be preferable to have them for neighbors than to dig graves for our
loved ones and fellow countrymen - and spend our wealth on bombs and
military missions?

The United States became the first nation to recognize the newly created
Jewish state in 1948. Perhaps a nation founded on the notion of giving us "your
tired, you poor" may still have enough of that founding spirit to welcome
intelligent, educated, refuges, bringing us back suitcases full of our money we
spent on Middle East oil?

Susan: And we have room for 7 million people?

ME: I doubt over half will come and there is almost enough vacant real estate
available in Las Vegas and Pittsburgh alone to take in half the population of
Israel. I have a feeling the real estate agents and banks across America would
be delighted to close deals with customers who have cash.

Susan: No, there is no way that more than a few would leave.

ME: The people of Siagon didn't want to leave until the last few days. Then they
were hanging on the wings of airplanes. It's not likely that anyone will know
when Iraq will drop the bomb on Israel but when they test a nuclear bomb
everyone will know the end is near. We would be remiss to pretend we can do
anything to prevent it.

***
Between 1980 and 2000, Egyptians registered 77 patents in the U.S. Saudis
registered 171. Israelis registered 7,652.

These innovators are the most mobile people on earth. To destroy Israel’s
economy, Iran doesn’t actually have to lob a nuclear weapon into the country. It
just has to foment enough instability so the entrepreneurs decide they had
better move to Palo Alto, where many of them already have contacts and homes.
American Jews used to keep a foothold in Israel in case things got bad here. Now
Israelis keep a foothold in the U.S.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/12/opinion/12brooks.html?ref=opinion


Israel's ancestors made the sacrifice and left Egypt for their sake. Maybe they
would be willing to make the same sacrifice for the sake of their children and
for the sake of world peace?

This time they could leave with the wealth they had accumulated rather than a
few items tied up in a rag on a stick - and no road map.

Anyway, what's the big deal about moving? In the last few decades over 50% of
Americans have moved to the suburbs. We are all floating on a rock through
space. Is latitude and longitude really that important?

The time will come when we'll have to say to the Jewish people, "Sorry, we can't
die for you any longer, you'll have to change your zipcode and come live with us
or you're on your own."

Susan: What will they do when they get here? They will need jobs.

ME: Almost 1 million Vietnamese Refugees came here in the middle 70's and no one
seemed to hardly notice. And they were very poor and uneducated. Israel is one
of the most educated and wealthiest nations in the world. It would stand to
reason that their presence would probably enhance any nation they lived in. We
already are aware of the contributions of Jewish people like Oppenheimer
who gave America the military superiority of the atomic bomb, Albert Einstein,
countless leaders, educators, entertainers and let's not forget Jesus Christ.
Susan: That's asking a lot, would you be willing to leave your country?

ME: I know, it's not easy... Edelweiss, Edelweiss, Bless my homeland forever.

Susan: You think that will resolve conflict in the middle east?

ME: The mere existence of Israel seems to be the root of conflict there. We have
send our finest young men and women to die for a cause that will eventually be
abandoned. It would be inhumane NOT to offer the Jewish people a refuge before
we pulled out of the middle east.

Susan: I just don't think they will leave.

ME: Maybe not but I have the same attitude as John Belushi, aka Jake, had in the
Blues Brothers movie when Sister Mary told him the orphanage would be closed due
to a lack of funding. Jake offered to raise the money and she refused then Jake
said: "I guess ure really up shit creek."

Susan: How will you fight the people who are attacking and trying to destroy us?

ME: We put birth control in cat food to help control the problem of unwanted
pets.

Susan: But we don't have terrorist eating out of our hands.

ME: Maybe we can spray them like fruit fly bugs in California.

Susan: Incredible.

ME: Do you think I'm the only one who has thought of this idea?

Susan: So why hasn't this method of warfare been used?

ME: Well Hitler did use it against the Jews, but there is so much profit from
traditional war that our own businessmen want us to be in wars all the time. We
are paying 5 thousand dollars per second on the wars in the middle east.

Susan: Wow, that's expensive!

ME: Yes, It's double the amount we spend for health care and three times the
amount we spend on our entire education system - in the same length of time.

Susan: So, your method to fight future wars is to take away the reproductive
rights of the enemy?

ME: 28 states already have laws that allow involuntary chemical sterilization of
the mentally ill. 65,000 sterilizations were undertaken in the US during a 61-
year period at the turn of the century. In 1930, 30 states had passed laws
requiring mandatory sterilization for a great number and variety of committed or
anticipated crimes or moral offenses. Laws even prescribed compulsory
sterilization for drug addicts and prostitutes.

I would argue that the people who instigate violence upon others are mentally
ill and a danger to society that warrants sterilization.

It would be much cheaper and more effective that traditional methods of fighting
wars, and wouldn't birth control be more humane than dropping bombs on citizens?

Susan: But that would be chemical genocide.

ME: Chemicals are often used to get rid of pests.

Susan: Wow, this script got heavy.

ME: It's heavier for the thousands of families who have lost their fathers and
mothers, sons and daughters on both sides of wars. War is wasteful, it's
devastating for the health and the prosperity of the citizens on both sides.
In Iran alone over 1 MILLION of their citizen have been killed since the war
against Sadam started.

Susan: I guess it is. But would it be a deterrent?

ME: Multiplying was God's second blessing to mankind. If the threat of taking
away that blessing does not deter those who seek to cause violence, war and
oppression upon others, it would be their own end within 20 years. Remember, war
is when old men send young men to die.

Susan: Suppose our enemies use the same method on us?

ME: They probably will try.

Susan: Then what?

ME: Darwin's theory of natural selection, survival of the fittest, will decide.
The inferior members gradually die out, leaving only the superior members of the
species.

Susan: Do you think we are superior?

ME: Damn, you pose tough questions.

Susan: It's a logical question to ask.

ME: I guess, but it doesn't matter what I think. The reality is that it's
difficult to guess how natural selection might work.

Susan: Why?

ME: Consider the movie about the virus that wiped out everyone on earth except
an old drunk man and a crying baby. A military satellite mission returned and
after extensive research they finally figured out that the microbe that killed
everyone could only survive at the normal ph level found in human blood, but the
old drunk and crying baby had a ph level either too high or too low for the
virus to survive and kill them.

In that case the ones who appeared to be the weakest had survive.

Susan: How would that apply to chemical sterilization?

ME: Perhaps the smarter, most educated, wealthiest people with the most advanced
technology would be wiped out, only leaving only a prenative tribe living in
deep in the rain forest to carry on the human race.

Susan: Is that where you'll go if chemical sterilization breaks out?

ME: I suppose, if I want my Alabama redneck genes to survive. You'll have to
come with me though or they won't be any red headed, freckled faced,
bucktoothed, Howdy Doody look alikes left to roam the earth.

Susan: haha.

ME: But I don't think it will come to that.

Susan: Why not?

ME: Because, if mass sterilization was used, once would be enough... like the
atomic bomb. After a couple bombs were dropped in 1945 they haven't been used in
the 60 years since.

Susan: The "A bomb" is very difficult to build but chemical sterilization is
fairly simple.

ME: We grow our own food and feed most of the world. Who do you think would be
more easily sterilized?

Susan: They could still contaminate our water supplies and use other methods.

ME: Yes, but we would have almost a full year head start before our enemies
realized they were not procreating.

Susan: Didn't the Geneva Conventions prohibit chemical and biological warfare?

ME: I doubt birth control would even be considered a chemical weapon by the
Geneva convention standards. Consider some of the outrageous violations that go
on, such as Sadam using chemical weapons to kill thousands of Kurds. Agent
orange was used extensively in Vietnam and it causes sterility as well cancer.
Waterboarding is considered torture and against the Geneva Convention, so is
flying aircraft into building to kill civilians.

According to the Unite Nations, terrorism drug trade is poising our citizens and
our allies with 400 billions of dollars worth of opium per year. If the Geneva
Convition is silent about that that, then how can they care about birth control?

ME: How would you propose we deal with those who seek to destroy us?

Susan: Tough to answer, but it may be a better idea to invest more effort into
trying to resolve conflicts before they escalate to war. Ted Turner recommended
military solutions should FIRST consider relocating people caught up in conflict
and establishing buffer zones - BEFORE sending in stealth bombers and destroying
an entire region.

ME: That's what I'm talking about doing - but simply expand the "buffer zone" to
include relocating ALL the people from one side of the conflict. It would be
easier to move 7 million Jews than 350 million Arabs. The new Airbus could move
a million people in just over 1,000 flights. If half the people in Israel were
willing to change their zipcode, and bring about world peace, it could be done
for less than 3 million dollars, and we are spending MORE than 3 million EVERY
week on the war in the middle east.

I think terrorist have made it pretty clear that they want us out of their part
of the world and to stop supporting Israel.

Susan: And that would be the end of it?

ME: I would like to find out. What we are doing now isn't working. Our new leader
is convinced that he can play nice and that would convince terrorist to like us.

Susan: Didn't Jesus say we should love our enemies?

ME: He tried that and they murdered him so we are told that when he comes back
he will smite the nations and he will rule them with a rod of iron. That seems
to imply he will be armed.

You can't deny that the Chicago way is effective.

Susan: The Chicago way?

ME: Yeah, a quote from a movie: "They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one 
of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That's the Chicago way!"

Susan: I thought you wanted to avoid conflict.

ME: Of course, but many would argue that it's effective. When President George
Bush spoke at Ground Zero - 9/14/01 he said: "The people who knocked these
building down will hear all of us soon." 

America has the most superior military force and technology on earth, yet they
leave North Korea alone because the tiny country of only about 20 million people
has nukes. Timothy McVeigh claimed to use this principle when he said "What the
U.S. government did at Waco and Ruby Ridge was dirty. And I gave dirty back to
them at Oklahoma City."

Susan: Any more radical ideas?

[I turn up the stereo and Beach Boys sing: "Two girls for every boy,"]

Susan: Turn that off.

ME: What's for dinner?

Susan: Let's go to someplace nice.

ME: Good idea, just as long as they don't have table cloths.

Susan: Sigh, you would be happy to hang out at the counter at a quick stop and
eat Slim Jims.

ME: Nahh, just get your big purse and let's go to the buffet.

[After dinner we come home and watch tv, my phone rings.]

Jack: Hello.

ME: Is this Jack?

Jack: Yes.

ME: Did you find my phone?

Jack: We know where it was but the battery ran down.

ME: Don't tell me the last signal was coming from inside my apartment... eek eek
eek.

Jack: Do you want to go overseas?

ME: Not really, I'll enlist in the military if I get the bug to travel.

Jack: Ben has requested you join him in a meeting with the European Union.

ME: What did you tell him?

Jack: I told him that you had been reassigned to another department in the
government. But you may be available.

ME: I don't think Ben wants an associate who would champion the cause of the
little man. It's the total opposite philosophy of the Fed.

Jack: When did you become a champion of the little man?

ME: I got religion when I realized how much the little man would suffer if the
dollar fell in value.

Jack: Haven't you heard, congress is now on the side of the little man. They
voted to put the IRS in charge of monitoring the spendings of the taxpayer's
dollars.

ME: I seem to have heard about that. No one on the news could figure it out.

Jack: Word on the street is that they got religion too.

ME: I guess it's contagious.

Jack: Well the little man should be happy now.

ME: He'll be happier when he gets a job and he isn't cheated at the gas pump and
when he can afford medicine if he is sick.

Jack: What a novel idea, you should write a book.

ME: I'll think about that.

Jack: Well, what will it be?

ME: I think the meeting should be called off.

Jack: Why?

ME: Didn't they just have a big meeting in Copenhagen that cost the taxpayers 10
million dollars to fly everyone over and put them up in fancy hotels?

Jack: You wouldn't have wanted to go there?

ME: Yeah, I would have wanted to go and lock Hillary in her room so she wouldn't
promise to give dictators 200 million a year of taxpayers money.

Jack: Well someone let her out.

ME: Yeah, you failed your mission.

Jack: We weren't invited.

ME: You seem to be getting left out of all the action.

Jack: Yeah, that's why I want you to go with Ben.

ME: I'm not even an agent but you want me to be a double agent?

Jack: Something like that.

ME: Where did my phone end up?

Jack: At a transport company.

ME: So that's why they were in on the plan, to assist the Fed in the transfer.

Jack: Probably.

ME: How could those thugs be trusted to deliver the gold once they had it in
their possession?

Jack: Someone was needed. I suppose they came highly recommended.

ME: I guess you want me to ask Ben?

Jack: Not really, we just want to know what goes on at the EU meeting.

ME: Won't Ben file a classified report?

Jack: Yes, but independent verification is important.

ME: I may go to work for Ben. Even if he offers me minimum wages that's more
than you've paid. Then his secrets will be safe.

Jack: I thought you were working for the "little man." What's he paying these
days?

ME: Not much. Why didn't Ben call me? Do you think he felt he needed you to give
him a reference?

Jack: You are a hard man to contact.

ME: I thought Ben sent those thugs to visit me. He must known where to find me.
Maybe he is just using you to contact me to keep his cover.

Jack: Maybe he did. You have a pretty good understanding of how thing might
work. Anyway, where is your sense of adventure? Don't you want to play along?

ME: This may become a dangerous game possibly with collateral damages.

Jack: You can't represent the little man if you don't show up at the dance.

ME: Ok, I'll do it but first I want to have a face to face meeting with you and
be briefed about everything you know about this meeting.

Jack: You'll have to pick up the pace, Ben will leave the day after tomorrow.

ME: Ok.. leave me a ticket from Birmingham tomorrow around lunch and I'll meet
you tomorrow night.

Jack: Ok, see you tomorrow night. Bye.

ME: Bye.

Susan: What was that all about?

ME: We are getting married.

Susan: We are?

ME: Yes.

Susan: You know you are supposed to be romantic, down on your knees with an
expensive ring when you ask for my hand.

ME: What can I say, I'm a spontaneous kind of guy.

Susan: What was it that prompted your spontaneity?

ME: I've just lined up our honeymoon in Europe!

Susan: It sounded to me like you were going back to playing spy vs spy.

ME: I kinda figured you would be worn out after the fist two hours of passion
and would need a rest so you won't miss me when I go to some dull meeting.

Susan: Well get down on your knees and ask me properly.

[I get down on my knees and say.]

ME: Susan, I love you and if you'll accept my hand in marriage I'll pledge my
eternal love to you.

Susan: [Crying.] yes.

[We embrace.]

ME: Ok, get packed, we have a plane to catch tomorrow.

Susan: Tomorrow?

ME: Yes, why not?

Susan: We need to have a marriage ceremony first.

ME: Let's do something we'll remember and can tell our children about. Let's get
married on the airplane to Europe, by the captain.

Susan: An airplane captain can't legally marry anyone.

ME: Why not, the captain of ship can.

Susan: That's a widely believed myth. Both the United States and British laws
forbids captains to do free-lance weddings.

ME: Not true, In Fisher vs. Fisher in 1929 the New York Court of Appeals held
that such a marriage was valid because Congress had enacted a statute requiring
a vessel's master to keep a log book recording every marriage taking place on
board.

Susan: In 1898 case in California, Norman vs. Norman, the court ruled the
opposite.

ME: 1929 trumps 1898.

Susan: You are serious aren't you.

ME: Yes.

Susan: Why do you think the captain would do it?

ME: I'll just ask him to return a favor for the guy who thwarted the hijacking.

Susan: Ok, ok. It's takes too much energy to argue with you.

ME: [Singing.] Going to the airplane and we're gonna get married.

Susan: What are you going to tell Ben?

ME: I'll tell him we are on our honeymoon.

Susan: That will be the first time you told the truth.

ME: What do you think this meeting with the European Union is all about?

Susan: It's obviously about the new world order.

ME: I see no rational reason, whatsoever, that I would be invited.

Susan: Maybe will become obvious later. I'm going to pack.

ME: Ok, I'm going to research on the Internet.

[Next day we fly to D.C. and I meet with Jack.]

ME: Hello, how's your hammer hanging.

Jack: Fine and yours?

ME: Couldn't be better, I'm getting married.

Jack: Congratulations, when?

ME: On the way to Europe.

Jack: On the way?

ME: Yeah, we are going to ask the captain of the plane to marry us.

Jack: Well that should be interesting.

ME: Ok, what's the scoop?

Jack: The European Union has been pressuring the US to sign on to the new world
order.

ME: I thought that was why we sent the Chinese the gold, to keep the value of
the dollar as high as we could so that when we bought into the new world order
we would have the biggest share.

Jack: We aren't so sure we want to buy in.

ME: You mean now or never? It's just a matter of time till we have to join.

Jack: The new world order is not simply a monetary system, it's a government
too.

ME: What's wrong with a new world order? This one isn't working so well. People
want a revolution. Wasn't that the theme of the hippy movement and Woodstock?

Jack: Allow me to quote George Washington "Government is not reason; it is not
eloquence; it is force! Like fire, it is a dangerous servant and a fearful
master." In other words, George had a healthy sense that government was indeed a
danger to freedom.

ME: Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. We don't have freedom now. Have you
seen how the people in poverty are living?

Jack: If you think big national government is a threat to freedom then you
should realize that a world government would be a larger threat to our freedom.

ME: Are you sure you haven't been reading those conspiracy theories about the
Rothchilds and Freemasons on the internet?

Jack: It's as serious a threat as terrorism.

ME: I don't know Jack, every time I have read about the new world order on a web
page I find a ton of ads that are selling books about the new world order. The
conspiracy looks like a conspiracy to sell books.

Aren't capitalist just taking advantage of the religious fear of the end times.
It's like Christianity totally ignore or forgot that Jesus said that the Kingdom
would not come with signs to be observed.

Jack: The EU is a threat to our national sovereignty. That's not good for the
little man - whom you seek to protect.

ME: Jack, I just don't know. All I can conclude is that the idea, the very
mention of a new world order scares the hell out of religious people, our
leaders, and common people, all who believe it to be a conspiracy of occult,
mind control, surveillance, population control, perhaps even run by aliens. How
could anything evil be so perfect? And if it is that perfect, why is there even
hope that we can defeat it?

Jack: It's powerful alright, the trillion dollar bank bailout a while back
mostly went to the EU.

ME: Why didn't our banks just default on the loans like the homeowners? Surely
the world banks that made loans to our financial intuitions had collateral?

Jack: You'll need to discuss those issues with Ben.

ME: If I talk stright to him, like I do with you, he probably cancel my
invitation to tag along. I still don't know why I have been invited on this
journey.

Jack: Maybe it's just fate, like when you got on the hijacked airplane.

ME: I can't believe it's an accident that I'm being invited to this top level
economic meeting. I haven't seen any parachutes.

Jack: Maybe you saw something you didn't recognize was important.

ME: That thought will keep me awake at night.

Jack: Anyway, I'll call Ben and tell him you are set to go tomorrow.

ME: Tell him my wife is coming along.

Jack: Ok, we'll need to get your passports tomorrow morning.

ME: Ok, we are at the Marriott hotel where you stashed me last time.

Jack: Good luck, bye.

ME: Bye.

[I return to the hotel.]

ME: Hey sweetheart, have you enjoyed your evening?

Susan: Yes, but I was nervous about going out in public, afraid I might meet
someone who recognized me. How was your meeting with Jack?

ME: Somewhat interesting.

Susan: Did you find out what's going on?

ME: I don't have a clue. The meeting has something to do with the new world
order. I don't even know where I stand on the idea.

It's got Jack nervous. He says it's a threat to our national sovereignty and
as serious as terrorism.

Susan: He did?

ME: Yeah and he mentioned that the bank bailout went to the EU because our banks
had to pay back loans.

Susan: Sounds like the banks getting squeezed from 3 directions.

ME: Three?

Susan: Yes, the EU, Communist China and the people who took cash mortgages on
their homes and walked away.

ME: It's a mess alright. I wish someone would explain it to me.

Susan: It's like the movie, Other People's Money. Danny DeVito said: "How can
you say I don't make something, I make money."

ME: I think that was Richard Gere in "Pretty Woman."

Susan: Same idea, bankers, and accountants add and subtract numbers, move them
from one column to another and presto, they have created wealth through
mathematics. That's what the EU does and they are so good at it that everyone is
afraid of them.

ME: That sounds like what the government does when they take tax payers money and
use it for a stimulus. They move money around, like dipping water from the deep
in of the pool and pouring it into the shallow end... while thinking it will make
the water level go up.

Susan: Exactly.

ME:  If everyone is afraid of the EU how can they expand?

Susan: Just a few years ago they picked up at least 10 new members from the
former Soviet Union. The are big enough to dictate that you either join or you
are crushed. They cut off credit to Greece who had been a member since 1981.
Their decision are based on profit alone.

ME: Sounds like a powerful labor union.

Susan: Now you are catching on.

ME: But that's good for the laborer, they get safer and better working
conditions, better benefits, and mo money.

Susan: At the expense of company profits and consumers paying higher prices. 
Labor unions have caused more companies to close or move abroad than any
other single reason.

ME: Ok, enough. Shouldn't we begin practicing for our wedding night?

Susan: Do you think you need practice?

ME: Maybe you do?

Susan: Watch out now, I haven't said "I do" yet.

[We get our passports and meet Ben at the airport and we're airborne.]

Susan: [To a stewardess.] Hey do you know you have a celebrity onboard?

Stewardess: Who?

Susan: This guy beside me.

Stewardess: I'm afraid I don't recognize him.

Susan: He was onboard the hijacked plane from Atlanta and helped take down the
terrorist. He's even got a scar from his wounds.

Stewardess: On really! I'm honored to meet you. You are a hero to everyone who
flies for a living.

ME: Thank you.

Stewardess: I'll tell the captain.

ME: I would be happy to meet him, my father was a private pilot and I flew with
him often.

Stewardess: Ok, I'll be back in a few minutes.

Susan: Are you really going to ask him?

ME: For sure.

Susan: I can't believe this is happening.

ME: Well I can't give you wealth or good health or fame but I'll do my best to
make sure your life is never boring.

Susan: How sweet.

Stewardess: The captain would like to meet you.

[I get up and follow].

Captain: I hear you were fighting terrorist a while back.

ME: Yeah, I thought I was too young to die and adrenaline took over.

Captain: A very good friend of mine was the navigator on that flight.

ME: They probably didn't even need him.

Captain: Why?

ME: Because all they had to do was follow I 20 to La.

Captain: Haha, yeah it leads there from Atlanta.

ME: Do you think you could do me a favor?

Captain: You want to fly the airplane? We get that a lot.

ME: Not tonight, I'm on my honeymoon with my wife but we didn't get to have a
wedding before we left. Could you marry us, as captain of the ship?

Captain: I can't legally marry you.

ME: We know, we just thought it may be something we could tell our friends and
children about when we get old.

Captain: Ok, it's a long flight and it would amuse the passengers.

ME: Wonderful, here name is Susan.

[The captain gets on the microphone and announces the marriage and then performs
a ceremony. The passengers are happy and Susan is the queen of the flight. Even
Ben is smiling.

We land and go to a hotel and get our rooms, I still haven't talked to Ben.
Finally he has someone call and invite me to come to his room for a meeting.]

ME: Hello, Ben. It's been a while since we got together.

Ben: Yes, but the last meeting turned out to be a fruitful one.

ME: Is that why I got the invitation to this one?

Ben: It had something to do with it.

ME: I heard that you made an inspiring speech that lead congress to vote on a
flat sales tax and abolish income tax.

Ben: How did you hear about that?

ME: I asked a senator why they passed the flat tax that had been opposed for so
long and he said you had some persuasive arguments.

Ben: When did you talk to a senator and why would he have told you anything that
happened in a classified meeting?

ME: My wife had bumped into him at luncheon and mentioned that I had some
ideas for governmental reform. He asked her to have me to come over to his
office later.

Ben: You seem to just pop up in the most interesting places from time to time.

You seem to be everywhere. You met me with the head of the FBI, you took a job
with OSHA and you meet with senators. You were even in Boston recently. That's
where the independent auditors have their office, and in spite of the efforts we
made to guarantee the gold audit would match, it still came out different.

ME: So, you think I'm a "mover and shaker" and that's why am I popping up at
this big meeting?

Ben: I thought it would be interesting to hear your take on these proceedings.

ME: But I'm no economist. I don't even like banks, I keep my money in a shoe
box.

Ben: Well, just take it all in and on the way home, tell me what you think.

ME: Fair enough, Thanks for financing my honeymoon.

Ben: See you already understand the fundamentals of finance.

ME: What's that?

Ben: Have someone else pay.

ME: The crackheads you pass on the way to work know that.

Ben: I suppose they do. Ok, we'll have the first meeting at 10 am tomorrow.
Don't wear yourself out on your wedding night.

ME: No worries.

[I went to the meeting the next morning.

The meeting was like 1001 reasons the US should join the EU and establish a
common currency, theirs, and agreed to finance world causes like pollution,
disease and hunger.

Then the speaker started to harp on the downside of not being a member. It was
getting a bit heavy handed toward the end.

Finally we are asked to break into small groups for discussion.

I go to the discussion room and it comes my turn to speak.]

ME: I must apologize, I'm new to this so if you could bear with me a few moments
and allow me to ask some questions.

Aren't decisions of how to run things at the EU based on profitability alone -by
people who aren't democratically elected?

Should we abandon democracy and voting altogether and let "experts" who
understand how advanced democracies actually work run everything. Isn't that the
implication?

If you let grubby little ordinary people start deciding stuff, where will it
end?

Finally, As you all know, America is struggling financially, we have huge
outstanding debts. I'm wondering why a system that is motivated by profit would
want to bring in a new member who couldn't afford to pay their union dues?

I think we make it pretty clear in 1776 that we didn't want to belong to a
European Union?

I understand the aim of the EU is to make it easier for Europeans to buy and
sell things to each other. This is done by changing the rules that control
trade.

I applaud your goals but I think we should sit this out until we see how well
your experiment works.

[The meeting concludes and I tell Ben that I'll catch up with him in Washington
and spend a few more days with Susan on our honeymoon.]

Susan: How did the meetings go?

ME: I got a chance to speak and asked a few questions that went unanswered.

Susan: So do you think the US will join the EU?

ME: It will be a hard sell but I think they have our financial intuitions but
the balls and are trying to make an intellectual appeal to encourage a smoother
transition before they shake us down.

Susan: So you are done with this?

ME: I'm meeting Ben in Washington when we get back, for now we are going to
enjoy our honeymoon.

Susan: Sounds good to me. [Love is strange is playing.] How do you call your
lover boy? I say come here lover boy Oh, but what if he doesn't answer I say, Ah
come here love boy But what if he still doesn't answer I simply say, Baby, oh my
baby Don't tease me like.

[We return to Washington and I visit Ben.]

M: Hello.

Ben: Come one in, close the door. How was your honeymoon?

ME: Excellent, how was your trip back?

Ben: Fine, what was your impression of the event?

ME: They seem to want us to join the club but I'm not exactly sure why.

Ben: What do you think about that?

ME: In the words of the immortal Grouch Marks "I don't care to belong to a club
that accepts people like me as members."

Ben: Well you aren't alone.

Ben: I'm sure you heard about the trillion dollar bank bailout a while back, the
EU is in worse crisis, they need a 4 trillion dollar bailout.

ME: Speaking of the bailout, didn't your department cause the mess that lead
to this crisis?

Ben: Why do you think that?

ME: Didn't you use the Community Reinvestment Act to "forced" banks to loan money
to people who couldn't pay it back?

Ben: We only follow the rules but how could a piece of 1977 legislation be
significant to the deterioration of mortgage standards 25 years later?

ME: You pushed interest rates down. This made refinancing more attractive. Wall
Street’s financiers abused the opportunities offered them by deregulation and
ordinary home buyers became aware that lax lending standards would allow them to
buy bigger homes with little or no money down. In short, the lax lending
standards had dug a pit that was waiting to get filled when the circumstances
were right.

Ben: The Clinton administration threatened mortgage companies to comply with
lower lending standards and then President Bush pushed hard for lax lending
standards far beyond what the Community Reinvestment Act required.

ME: Ok, enough playing the "blame game" what can be done to fix all this?

Ben: It's a mess. We are trying to work our way through it.

ME: Why don't you just go back to traditional standards when bankers, had skin
in the game and were responsibility to depositors - when they were paid
salaries, not commissions on the volume of loans they wrote. Go back to the time
they expected to be fired if their loans prove imprudent.

Ben: That would take an act of congress. It's not politically correct to oppress
minorities and the poor and deny them loans simply because they can't pay them
back.

ME: I think the poor already know they can't pay back large loans, it's the big
bankers and wall street tycoons who are making commissions on worthless loans
who are politically incorrect in this equation.

Ben: They run the government though.

ME: They are sucking on it's teats. They'll straighten up if the milk dries up.
You just have to convince congress to let them fail.

Ben: Easier said than done. They'll cut off campaign financing and congress
knows that.

ME: Campaign financing won't get them re-elected if they keep giving away tax
payers money in these corrupt scandals. There is already a growing momentum
within several movements to simply throw all the bums out. Groups like "Clean
Sweep" and "No More Incumbents" are gaining ground. A recent poll revealed that
90% of the people think that NOT voting for any incumbent is a good idea.

Anyway, I don't think congress likes to be held hostage. The situation has
flipped-flopped. Campaign contributors are coming to congress with hat in hand
demanding a hand out.

Ben: Of course you are right but dream on.

ME: Well something must have convinced congress to vote to give away a
trillion dollars of tax payers money to bankers.

Ben: They were afraid of total bank failure, Feb 10th there was an electronic
run on the banks and within a couple hours 550 billion dollars had disappeared.

ME: I doubt it "disappeared" nothing just disappears, some pencil pushers just
moved it from one column to another with a few strokes of a keyboard. It was a
snow job. The Bank of North Dakota did not need a bailout.

Ben: Nevertheless, there was a run on the banks. Without the capital they are not
banks.

ME: Why don't you just have another "come to Jesus" meeting with the top
congressmen like you did when you were instrumental in convincing them to drop
income tax and switch to a flat sales tax?

Ben: We are the Federal Reserve, we can't single out bankers and financial
institutions.

ME: Well don't single them out.

Ben: What do you mean?

ME: Ok, they are awaiting your big report from the meeting with the EU, so when
you make your report you need another motivating crisis. Never let a serious crisis 
go to waste.

Ben: We have a crisis. The EU is trying to force us to join and make our banking
and commerce system comply with their economical socialist new world order.

ME: Excellent.

Ben: Why do you say that?

ME: One of the most popular books ever, was written by Napoleon Hill and he
said: "Every adversity carries with it the seed of an equivalent or greater
benefit."

Ben: Where is the benefit?

ME: Ok, here is the plan, impress upon congress that our financial institutions
are under great stress by the EU and you recommend that the best course of
action is to transfer the wealth from the financial institutions to the
citizens.

Ben: More bad loans?

ME: Yeah, you can give me one now...

No, bad loans aren't the solution, have congress expand and enforce antitrust
laws on all essential goods and services, that way the financial intuitions will
not be singled out.

Ben: How will that work?

ME: Simple, any business providing essential goods or services will have profit
limits. Revive Theodore Roosevelt's antitrust policies and make them work.

Ben: Interesting but that will be a very difficult sell.

ME: Senators already took their hit when they voted to have the IRS monitor and
regulate the spending of taxpayers money. They'll just be leading the way to
protect the little man from corporate greed.

Ben: So we give citizens the wealth. Won't congressmen ask how this will solve
the problem of the EU's demands?

ME: Explain to the senators that it will force the EU to take up their cause
with the American citizens because the financial intuitions no longer control
the wealth, and leave it at that.

Ben: Even if the wealth was put into the hands of citizens they would just spend
it on foreign made goods.

ME: We'll have to deter that.

Ben: How?

ME: Tax imports enough to make goods made in America cheaper. That will allow
congress to lower the flat sales tax rate and make them look like they are the
champions of the little man.

Ben: Other counties will do that too and we'll get a sort of domino effect. As a
result we won't get the same bang for our buck. If you try to confine spending
within an artificial boundary, you will end up paying more money to get less.
Also, the United States is a major exporting nation. That move could really harm
our commerce.

ME: That's the same thing they said in the EU conference but Roosevelt said,
"Thank God I am not a free trader." He was a big protectionist. He raised
tariffs. They were gonna build a transcontinental railroad and said we could get
the steel cheap from England. He said, ah - wait a minute, we’re gonna build our
own steel mills, and then we'll have not a railroad but we'll have steel mills
too.

Eisenhower, he protected oil. Jack Kennedy protected textiles. Ronald Reagan
protected computers and Harley Davidson.

There was a "buy American" provision in the stimulus package to get the American
economy going. If Obama spends $1 trillion it won't get our economy going
unless we actually spend that money here and create jobs here.

Ben: The Chinese sure won't like that.

ME: I suppose they'll continue to loan us money to buy their goods forever,
after all, they are just Communist and will never realize how capitalism works.
How could they possible ever figure out that there is no profit in giving us
money to buy their goods? 

Ben: But what about oil? We can't produce nearly enough to meet our demands.

ME: Yes, we'll still have to buy oil from abroad, but if we get our ass in gear
and build nuclear power plants and get them online they will supply the energy
to heat millions of homes, freeing up the home heating oil to be refined for
transport. Oil should only be used for transport, where it's not possible to
connect to the power grid.

Nuclear power does not emit carbon gasses, which make the global warming crowd
happy.

Ben: It will take more than a few Nuclear power plants to make the global warming
people happy.

ME: The global warming movement is limited to a few business tycoons who would
enjoy significant financial gains. No one who believes the Bible could accept
the concept that the polar caps will melt and the earth will be flooded.

Ben: Why not?

ME: Because God promised after Noah's flood: "The waters shall no more become a
flood to destroy all flesh." Then the rainbow appeared as a token of the 
covenant.

Ben: Maybe you can speak before the congressional committee when I deliver my EU
report?

ME: I'm afraid not. I may slip up and tell them that you are the worlds greatest
counterfeiter and you stole 403 tons of gold from the federal reserve deposits.

They may think you are my boss and that wouldn't look good.

Ben: Why not?

ME: Because that would make me #3.

Ben: #3 isn't that bad.

ME: I guess not.

[I turn to a tv, Scrubs is on.]

J.D.: Holy inferiority complex, Batman! How low is my self esteem if I'm the
sidekick in my own fantasy?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOoUteabhgc